ok she's calm for now. It was interesting to see the dynamic. She was furious. I was cool as a cucumber
Yep. Staying calm. Resolved. But firm is the right approach. And afterward notice you have none of the guilt you had from the other night when you went scorched-earth.
Calm and steady. Make that your new state of being. I was a hair-trigger, fly off the handle over spilled milk kind of guy before my sitch. My life is so much better now than it was before!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KB, I don't like what you're describing about your W, I see some red flags in her behavior. She's being abusive. She's already escalated her abuse from verbal to throwing things which is usually the precursor to physical violence. Please be ready to protect yourself and your son. If she so much as raises her voice I would immediately put her on notice that you will not tolerate it. Calmly tell her that based on her out-of-control behavior from the other night, that you are very concerned for the safety of yourself and your S and if she shows any signs of violence then you will immediately call the police and have her removed. If she continues to escalate then CALL THE POLICE. This is setting a boundary, and a boundary must have consequences or it's worthless.
This is one type of conversation you can have. Stick to ONLY ONE TOPIC for each convo:
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Calmly tell her that based on her out-of-control behavior from the other night, that you are very concerned for the safety of yourself and your S and if she shows any signs of violence then you will immediately call the police and have her removed. If she continues to escalate then CALL THE POLICE. This is setting a boundary, and a boundary must have consequences or it's worthless.
After you state your boundary, confidently walk away and do something productive.
The other type of conversations are parenting.
I am not sure how much parenting books you have read, but we all can be better parents. Add this to your personal growth. S10 was crying last night. Have you had alone time with him to discuss is feelings? I am sure you child was confused,scared,sad, etc. He needs guidance from his parents to process his emotions. I tell my kids it is OK to cry. It is OK to be angry. It is not OK to be physically violent. It not OK to break other peoples things.
From what you described, W blamed you for his tears. This is bad parenting on her side. There are ways to address this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She did not respect your boundary. If it was me, Today, I personally would go buy a new doorknob with a lock for your MBR, and do the exact same thing as yesterday. "I need time and space to make some important decisions".
I do not know if this is the best approach. Anyone else have an opinion?
To help PROTECT you and your child, I strongly suggest you set up free consults with the TOP THREE lawyers in your area. Have a list of questions ready. If you can get them set for next Tuesday,Thursday, and Friday, that would be best.
This does three important things:
1) It answers your main legal questions. 2) If needed, It lets you pick who you think is best. 3) And most important, it blocks her from retaining the other two.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Start listening to some classical music...find one of those Fall asleep Utube videos....
ASMR videos on youtube.........those were my life-saver! EVen if you don't have ASMR (I do) you can use them to relax and fall asleep.
totally agree with Steve on this one I came across these videos very early out of my switch and it actually is what put me to sleep very soothing and calming
Ok, yes. My boss knows a few good lawyers in the area and I will be setting up some consultations with them. I recognize the need to get ahead of the legal game.
I have made the decision to not stay in the same house as my W. She’s toxic right now. I do not see any way that we can remain amicable especially since she is deep in her A. I’m losing more respect for her as the day goes by. She’s gaslighting me a lot, telling me that I’m psycho, paranoid, etc, totally trying to flip the script on me. I rent and luckily am on a month to month lease. More than likely, we will all leave that house, she will go her way and I mine. What’s hard is our son. I know I’ll be able to afford an apartment for him and I, but not confident that she can find a place and afford it on her own. Since we will probably be splitting time with our S, I don’t know what to do. I do know that I DO NOT want my son staying with my W and the OW should they be shacking up together. Thoughts?
Your absolute first priority right now is your S. You are a close 2nd! I could be wrong because as you know, I’m still learning here too, but I think you have to trust your gut right now and do what’s right for the two of you...especially if safety is of any level of concern.
I have made the decision to not stay in the same house as my W
If possible, I wouldn't leave until you see an attorney, especially if you're abandoning kids without an agreed upon parenting schedule. This could have long-term child custody and psychological consequences.
Originally Posted by kbuenob
I know I’ll be able to afford an apartment for him and I, but not confident that she can find a place and afford it on her own.
The courts will help make this work out for both of you. In the US she can request alimony and child support so she gets a similar amount as you. Your income and savings are a result of teamwork. Attorneys and online calculators can tell you guideline amounts in case you want to plan what you'll end up with.
Originally Posted by kbuenob
Since we will probably be splitting time with our S, I don’t know what to do. I do know that I DO NOT want my son staying with my W and the OW should they be shacking up together. Thoughts?
Once you separate, assuming she's not committing any crimes, what she does is no longer any of your business. You parent on your time as you see fit, and she parents on her time as she sees fit. This assumes the OW is not a sex offender or felon, in which case you make have a leg to stand on.
