HCLACS, I’m kinda speechless. What you explained was like a bolt of lightning. That concept goes a long way to helping me understand my inner turmoil. Logically, I shouldn’t want to be with someone like my H, but I feel unable to let go. Why? I’ve been beating myself up over it for weeks, thinking I’m weak and allowing my heart to overrule my head. Now I realise it’s not because I’m being a doormat, but because I am acting on principle. Something I’ve done consistently this entire time. That actually shows tremendous strength. It’s not to say I haven’t reacted emotionally at times, because I have, but that isn’t necessarily weakness either. It’s authentic. I’m teaching my son to validate and process his emotions. I cried driving home from my Halloween party tonight, so I tried to reassure him through the tears.
M: Mama is sad. It’s okay to feel sad. We all feel sad sometimes. That’s when we ask for help or a cuddle. S: Mama sad. M: Yes, but it’s okay. Do you want to hold my hand? S: Hand please. M: Love you, S. S: Love you, mama.
DS, I called my parents and they came to spend some time with me and hear me out. I’m relaxing now with a cuppa watching The Office. Thanks for caring. Ps. I saw The Chemical Brothers, love 90s music! Enjoy.
Hey scout how are you today? Sorry to hear you cried but glad to hear your parents were there for you. Stay strong! Chemical bros would have been awesome! I’m going to see stp, bush, live etc on the sunny coast can’t wait!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
To recap... H walked out to crash with friends and get some space. The six first weeks he just wanted a break so he could sleep with other people. Then he wanted a permanent separation with intent to divorce after the 12 month waiting period. We finalised the custody agreement and financial settlement in writing, but nothing has been filed and he hasn't seen a lawyer. I have. He started paying child support, I have 100% physical custody of S1.5. A month ago he officially moved out to his own place and immediately bought a new motorbike.
Now OW has been confirmed and I'm acting under the assumption that this isn't new. I don't waste time or energy thinking about that person - they are just a fart in the wind to me. A symptom of H's MLC and nothing more. I'm guessing he's deep in his affair fog. A month ago he was insistent on getting the last of his stuff out of my house, including his precious sports car. He was insistent on chasing me for his share of settlement money. Since he moved into his own place, presumably spending lots of time with OW - crickets.
Now the real detachment begins. We have no reason to talk now that logistics are sorted. This is freeing to me. I can live my life independently, and he gets to experience exactly what he wanted. A true separation. No family connections, no financial connections, sticking to my friendship boundaries. I really didn't truly get it until now. I kept fighting even after proclaiming I had surrendered. He tried to tell me again when I confronted him about OW and underneath the usual accusations of control and criticism was his truth - "I just want to have my own opinions and make my own decisions."
I get it now. He has to try this new life on for size. I have to let it happen without interference.
I'm at peace with my emotions now after wavering big time. My decision is to continue to stand for my marriage, but do nothing and say nothing. H won't come back unless he deals with his emotional issues at a fundamental level, and I won't accept him back unless he does. Therefore I am able to accept either outcome. I can continue to make new friends and even date casually without feeling like I'm compromising my moral commitment to marriage or my continuing love for H. Until he either returns or files for divorce in 7 months, I will stand.
Here are the positive things I've achieved in the past week with the help of family and friends:
- Finished off some backyard landscaping after four years' procrastination - Organised and cleaned my filthy outdoor storage area - Donated or dumped a lot of stuff leftover from H's move out - Threw out printed wedding photos (still have digital copies) - Refreshed my wardrobe and donated my 'post natal depression' clothes - Hung new professional family photos of me and S - Bought a lot of plants to put around the house - Met with a mortgage broker and submitted my refinance application - Had a professional valuer come out to value my property - Bought some erotic artwork for my bedroom to embrace my femininity - Booked a massage and hair cut/colour
I'm thinking of enrolling in a counselling course to become a trained counsellor. I want to learn better communication skills and help people who are suffering. Will see how my financial situation pans out before committing to anything.
We got together when we were 20/22. We went through the motions of becoming adults together - dating, moving in, engagement, buying a home, marriage, baby - and it's as though H is rejecting it all now at age 29. In the days following BD he said that his happiness peaked at age 20, when life was all about casual work, video games, motor vehicles, and hanging out with the boys. It's obvious that he is not grateful for the life we built, nor does he value it. That's fine. He is free to go and create a life that he will appreciate. I can carry on building the life I intended and instilling my values into my son.
I came across this quote the other day and want to frame it:
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
If my son grows up living life by these principles, I know I will have succeeded as a mother.
JWe finalised the custody agreement and financial settlement in writing, but nothing has been filed and he hasn't seen a lawyer. I have. He started paying child support, I have 100% physical custody of S1.5.
Speak to your L about formalising all this through a Consent Order asap. XH doesn't need a lawyer for a consent order to be filed and sealed. Speak to your L about the pros and cons of refinancing before you file a Consent Order. I assume you mean by this refinance the mortgage and payout XH. I would be very, very wary of carrying out any of the significant terms of your written agreement without a consent order being made first. Speak to yor L about nailing in the sole lives with for your S1.5 (and what about parental responsibility??). SPeak to your lawyer about checking ownership of home and severing the joint tenancy in the meantime if warranted. Check your Will and change your Will if warranted, and change beneficaries on your Super death benefit (indeed any other form of insurance) if warranted.
Originally Posted by scout12
and it's as though H is rejecting it all now at age 29.
A lot of men at age 29 are still like kids. Manchild is a term I've heard often.
Originally Posted by scout12
I get it now. He has to try this new life on for size. I have to let it happen without interference.
Exactly. But, if XH is blowing money on motorbikes, see my first para about speaking to your lawyer about doing the Orders etc as soon as you can. If he rides recklessly, all I'm going to say is make sure you and your S are legally secure by having everything formalised.
Originally Posted by scout12
- Finished off some backyard landscaping after four years' procrastination
[/quote
Haha nice one. Bunnings I imagine will be your new go to!
[quote=scout12]
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
Love this message. Can you frame 2 and give one to my XW. Since my BD, I've often mused on just how much personal happiness at any cost has pervaded our culture. As humans though, we have evolved into beings who need community and companionship. We wouldn't have survived without it. The current ethos around personal happiness will, if it grows more momentum, take humanity into unchartred waters.
Keep up the great work Scout!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Speak to your L about formalising all this through a Consent Order asap. XH doesn't need a lawyer for a consent order to be filed and sealed. Speak to your L about the pros and cons of refinancing before you file a Consent Order. I assume you mean by this refinance the mortgage and payout XH. I would be very, very wary of carrying out any of the significant terms of your written agreement without a consent order being made first. Speak to yor L about nailing in the sole lives with for your S1.5 (and what about parental responsibility??). SPeak to your lawyer about checking ownership of home and severing the joint tenancy in the meantime if warranted. Check your Will and change your Will if warranted, and change beneficaries on your Super death benefit (indeed any other form of insurance) if warranted.
Hey DS, cheers for the advice. At this stage I'm just looking for refi pre-approval so I can file the consent order with confidence that I can pay him out. The custody arrangement has been documented with Centrelink so I can get benefits, and with CSA for child support, so it is on record there at least. I'm just being cautious and not rushing through anything. At this stage, it looks like I won't be approved for refi until there's six months worth of child support payments anyway. I will absolutely file before actioning anything - I'll have to pay stamp duty on the title transfer if I don't.
Originally Posted by DS9
I've often mused on just how much personal happiness at any cost has pervaded our culture. As humans though, we have evolved into beings who need community and companionship. We wouldn't have survived without it. The current ethos around personal happiness will, if it grows more momentum, take humanity into unchartred waters.
I totally agree. I'm of the opinion that my H is now cursed (for lack of a better word) to never achieve true happiness. There's no such thing as happiness as any cost. If your happiness comes at the expense of others, guilt will always be lurking, and prevent you from self-actualisation. In my opinion anyway.
Good luck with the pre approval. I've found a good broker really helps that process. Check if you can short circuit the 6 month wait if you can lock H into a 'binding child support agreement'.
Yep, transfer of title by Order will waive stamp duty.
Originally Posted by scout12
[quote=DS9]
I'm of the opinion that my H is now cursed (for lack of a better word) to never achieve true happiness.
Perhaps 'destined' cf cursed?
I think there may be a lot of bouncing around with your H doing different things, trying to find that happiness. I hope he comes around fast and realises what he's done.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I should have known that once I posted about his lack of action, something would happen!
H dropped off our son this afternoon after his visitation. I was dressed to the nines in high heels and a cocktail dress thanks to a work function for the Melbourne Cup. I said we were heading straight out the door to sushi train for dinner. H made a joke about S1.5's train obsession. He shared something funny that S1.5 did at daycare and I laughed.
He then said he would work out a time with his friend to come and get the car. I said okie dokie. He noticed something had fallen onto his car in the garage and rushed to check it. I said is your car okay? He said it looked alright and my cats probably knocked it over. I said yeah, maybe.
He asked how the bank stuff was going and I said I'd email him. He asked if there was anything else and I said nope. He asked if he was coming over on Thursday morning and I said that's the plan. Despite the visitation schedule being solid and unchanging, except when he flakes, he consistently double checks and it is annoying. I didn't let on though. He said thanks for that and we all left.
Not sure why but that exchange left me with high anxiety. I'm sitting at sushi train with S1.5 still shaking.
