H is really starting to open up to me, but I’m struggling to validate. I’m doing really good at listening to him, but I’m often at a loss for words when it comes to responding. I’ve looked at the validation cheat sheet and even watched some videos on YouTube. I’m trying to practice on everyone I interact with, but this is a big struggle. Does anyone have any tips?
Never use the word “but” in your responses... whenever you use the word “but”, you cancel out anything you said previously that validated his feelings. If you find yourself wanting to use “but”, use the word “and” instead. It’s not a terrible thing if you have no response. Not everything requires a response and too often, peoples’ responses are made in an effort to defend themselves as oppose to validate. Sometimes all you need to do is nod your head.
Your H sounds like he has a lot going on to have been moved on for more specialized care. There may be some things going on from a mental health perspective that you are not yet privy to. I would give him as much time and space as possible to give him a chance to work things out with a therapist.
I think things are going well. I finally asked H if he still wanted to convert the separation agreement to a D, and he said he wanted to keep the separation agreement. This is definitely a step in the right direction, but I’m not sure of the logic behind his decision. We seem to be getting closer, despite a complete lack of intimacy. He actually loitered at my house for over an hour last night after coming to get the kids. He said the kids wanted him to stay.
I’m still working on validation, and working on myself. I’ve completely changed my look and wardrobe, been working out a lot, am keeping my house spotless, etc. I suppose it’s working, but the one thing that kills me is his wedding band. His is tattooed on, and he’s currently in the process of getting it lasered off. I’m trying to ignore this, but it just feels like he’s trying to erase me. I asked him about it at one point, and he just made the comment that I’m not wearing my ring. I took it off because I had zero hope after BD—I wasn’t expecting things to get better. I’ve considered putting my ring back on, but I actually feel like that would be a “push” behavior at this point.
What are your GAL plans for tonight? Tomorrow? This weekend?
I’m getting ready to take the kids out of town for the holiday weekend. I’ve got lots of stuff planned for us. We’re headed to Grandma’s house first, but I’m planning to take the older two to a movie, and one of my sons wants to go looking for trains, so we’ll spend some time driving around doing that. Aside from exercise time, I probably won’t have much time for myself this weekend. I am planning to bring my fancy camera—I was just starting to dabble in photography right before BD, and haven’t touched it since. It will be nice to pick it up again.
I'm starting to feel like H is stalling on the legal paperwork. I mean...he has been busy at home, but I emailed him the final draft of everything about a month ago, and I am still waiting for H to review, print, and sign everything. This is literally the last thing we need to do before we can file legal separation and see the judge.
I've talked to him about the paperwork several times over the last month, and H no longer acts like it's a priority and even told me there was no timeline to get it turned in. This is a complete 180 from his how he was after BD, when he wanted to file as soon as possible.
I'm not sure if this is good or bad, or if I should try and push anything?? If he doesn't sign, my only real options are to give up, keep asking, or hire a lawyer and force him. I'm really conflicted here.
WASs are notorious for not moving the D forward. It is as if they love limbo. What usually happens is the LBS decides that limbo has gone on long enough and decides to move the D forward. We've seen that dozens of times.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well...I had a great Thanksgiving break with the kids. We were gone nearly five days. I didn't hear a whole lot from H while I was away, but he did send the occasional text about what he'd been up to. I tried to stick to the DB principals as far as my responses went.
H still hasn't made any movement on the legal paperwork I sent him, but he did have a whole bunch of my stuff packed up when I arrived back at his house. I think I must be succeeding at detaching, because I didn't react to this at all. I just told him I'd be back for my stuff, but I did not feel like loading up the truck in the dark after just spending the last three hours driving in post-Thanksgiving traffic. He seemed to accept this.
What's really weird is that as I was leaving, H kept telling me to drive careful. This might not seem like a significant thing, but even prior to BD, H wouldn't have expressed so much concern. I live less than five miles away, so it's not like I was going far. I tried to avoid interpreting any sort of meaning from this, but about thirty minutes after I got home, H sent me a message to thank me for bringing the kids dinner. This was weird too--I always send the kids home with dinner, and I couldn't help but wonder if H was actually fishing for a response to see if I made it home ok. I took the bait, in any case.
Later that night, I unintentionally stumbled across something I wrote about the breakup we had prior to our marriage. It was something I wrote after we were already married, and was about signs the "ex" gave when they were starting to come back around. In my husband's case, the first obvious thing I noticed (and H later admitted I was right) was that he started getting concerned for my safety, especially while I was driving. I guess this could be an odd coincidence, but who knows. I'm just trying to play it cool and stick with the DB stuff.
What's really weird is that as I was leaving, H kept telling me to drive careful. This might not seem like a significant thing, but even prior to BD, H wouldn't have expressed so much concern. I live less than five miles away, so it's not like I was going far. I tried to avoid interpreting any sort of meaning from this, but about thirty minutes after I got home, H sent me a message to thank me for bringing the kids dinner. This was weird too--I always send the kids home with dinner, and I couldn't help but wonder if H was actually fishing for a response to see if I made it home ok. I took the bait, in any case.
I would just take his comments/messages at face value. Don't think too much into it. I've been there too, trying to decipher any little comments/movements that H made and seeing if I could figure anything out. usually there answer is no.
I'm happy for you that you had a great break with the kids. I'm focusing on planning all the fun with my kids for the holidays as well!
