Jackie - here's a question: Does H LIKE disneyworld or not? My H hates theme parks, so it would be crazy to have him go with - everything just annoys him. On the other hand - if this is an activity he normally would have enjoyed - studies on dating and falling "in love" show that the ideal date to have someone fall in love with you involves an adrenaline rush - like a rollercoaster or scary movie. So if your H DOES like theme parks - see if you can get him to go, get a sitter for the kids one evening and go to the park with just the two of you.
I read you about your Disney dilemma earlier and wasn't quite sure what to tell you. But now after reading Optimist's post, I think going on your own while leaving your H with the option of joining you sounds like the way to go.
He seems to have problems making up his mind about most things these days anyway. Providing him with the option of joining you may take the pressure off of him.
Just make sure that you don't have any expectations and have a good time with the kids. And yes, I vote for the convertible! I am all for PMA boosters!
You've gotten some great advice Jackie! Only you would know if Disney would be fun for your H. I got engaged there and my X and I had wonderful times there...but now he's taken the OW there so it kinda ruins it for me. But then, that's what he was hoping I think.
Back to you: I think that when men get into this deal with pressure, work, kids, guilt, and esp. if OW are involved...they just don't have the foresight to look at what WE are doing. Yep, you need to make home a soft place for him to fall and yep, it means giving up having him make his arms your soft place to fall. It seems that the stresses of being a mom just arent' understood by many men.
Mine never understood. He retaliated when I didnt' make our home his soft place to fall, but never, no matter if I were sick or injured or sad or in menopause...well, he never gave me those arms wrapped around me to tell ME things would be ok. It seems like when they are down, that men just need us to give, give , give.
So, if you want to save the marriage, then that is what you have to do and you have to think of it as a long term giving without getting much. If and when he gets over HIS overwhelmed state, he might then be able to appreciate you. But sometimes they never change...and I've started to wonder, if MOMS don't set up their sons to be this way.
The thing is...you KNOW there will be some HO at work ready and willing to tell your H he is the best thing since sliced bread. So you hardly have a choice if you wnat to keep your marrige afloat.
I hope you can find a good support group to build your PMA, while you are giving to your H and not getting much back. But heres something that is more positive: I have found that when men feel loved and appreciated in great measure that they will, of their own accord, start giving back those things we women hold so dear... You can't ask for them in anger or sarcasm or even martyrdom..but you can smile and hug and kiss when he does something teeny and the next time he will do a little more...its like they want to please but you have to be willing to goose them into pleasing you the way you want to be pleased... oh well, good luck. You've been working so hard. Hang on a little more! gd
Just catching up with your thread. I vote go and have a ball and leave the door open for H to join you if he would enjoy that sort of thing!
I have always wanted to go for a ride in a convertible, I think that sounds real cool.
Reading your goal sort of hit me upside the head. That is what I have not done for David.
I drove him away with my meltdowns and then the anger over OW. I think I may be seeing some tiny baby steps. Got to keep those emotions under lock and key this time around.
I think you sound like you are doing a great job here, controlling the anger and making your home a safe, soft place for him to be.
{{{{Jackie}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
The goal, I don't know if letting him the know "the door is wide open to work on the marriage" will bring you closer to your goal. Being more mysterious would possibly help, the whole detachment thing, but pretty hard when he only leaves overnight. If he leaves for another "night" maybe leave for a week before he gets back!! Pretty helpful aren't I
I agree with the majority.....go and let him have the option of joining you. And rent that convertable!!!
You sound as though you are weathering this pretty well. You are a good woman Jackie, and I'm hoping he realizes it in time. But you will be fine, I have no doubt.
I read somewhere here where going to Va. Beach had brought back memories of trips you and he had made there.
I had never been across the Bay Bridge tunnel except with my STBXW, or trhough Va. Beach (we used to take that route to the Outer banks). The first time I ever crossed it was on our honeymoon.
It was sad on one hand because of the memories........but, now I can say that I have been across it without her. It's just another tiny piece of letting go.
See, Jackie, we have an unanimous decission now. It is Disney and a convertible for you and the kids!! If H wants to go, cool . If he does not, his loss.
LOL
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Yup, looks like Disney is a go. I hope he joins us, if not, oh well. He loves Disney, he could be there every 6 months and be happy. Now I just have to plan the dumb thing.
He found an apartment. It is under consturction and will be ready mid-October (yeah, our anniversary is 10/15)
He thinks going as a family to Disney would be weird because then the next week he will be moving out and what would the kids think. I don't think they are going to understand whether he comes to Disney or not. So we'll see what he decides to do. My folks come Friday and I chickened out telling them today about us. It is so hard when we seem like the perfect couple to the outside world.
I don't know what next week will have in store for us, my parents should be here about 10 days.
I think I am a bit detached, but I want to be straight up with him about what I want. I have told him I'll get on with my life, but I prefer that it is with him. If he thinks I have turned my back on him, he would do the same to me and I don't think I would then have a prayer to continue.
It is a tough question. I told my folks and now wish I had not. I do not dare tell them we are back together. They think we are going through with the D...
It depends on how they would react. It would be difficult to digest while they are with you. And how would it affect their behaviour towards your H?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
That is what I have not done for David.
. If he does not, his loss.