Is the rest of my life ruined???

[Ske0187]

Good Morning!

Received the DB Book yesterday from Amazon. Reading in my room being paranoid that she'll discover I'm hiding something. (I've never hidden anything but presents from her.) It's not because she'll be mad I'm hiding something, I'm trying to do the DB stuff and don't want her to see the book as recommended. I just mention it because it just seems to be just another weird thing that's going on around here lately.

One more thing I forgot to mention in my opening dialogue. We work for the same national organization. I'm now a senior manager and before that, I was in our training division for around six years so I know just about everyone. She's been here for around 20 years and knows everyone as well.

She's in the A with the coworker/peer so if I expose at work it's definitely going to blow back on me too. Unfortunately, think exposure may be the best chance I have of "forcing" her hand a bit to end the A. There's really no danger of anyone losing their job. I'd like an opinion on this and the next too.

Get ready to flame...I know there's really none of that here but...

I have a dilemma. My wife is probably going to have surgery to resect part of her intestine due to endometriosis. So...Do I just take care of the kids or do some additional level of support for her? Must I still stay completely held back and detached?

Side note.

Normally, I'm a model H and very attentive to her during her medical issues. Seriously. (She's had many serious issues over the years.) Ironically, in her rewrite of history spew, she says I was never there for her. (12 Major surgeries since we've been married.) Total crock O bullhockey.

Not providing some level of care for this type of issue strains my feeling of moral responsibility. Even if it is to care for this alien person's needs during this event, not providing support feels really wrong and ice cold. I know this is supposed to be "no more Mr. nice guy" but this seems extreme. I feel it would actually push us apart and turn family away. I just don't think "games" (no matter how serious) should be played during times like this.

I know if it wasn't so serious I'd really have no dilemma. It'd be something like, "HE can go visit you." or something even more stupid.

Thanks.

Anybody?

[LH19]

You should absolutely support her during this time. Just don’t have any expectations that it changes anything.

[DaB35]

Yes I think offer support and be there for her but not too much 'in that way'.
As LH19 says above, don't overthink any interaction as it'll drive you crazy.

[Max2k10]

Be nice to her, but do not react to her response...good or bad.

My wife tried to start a couple fights over the weekend, but I declined to engage. I walked away. She then acted a bit like she did pre-ILYBNILWY...but I did not get my hopes up and she acted like a deranged, angry lady yesterday. I generally ignored her...which helped me to remain happy.

Your wife is thoroughly messed up inside. She’s riding the most vicious emotional roller coaster imaginable and has no clue what is true and what is a lie. Let her face it...picking/taking a fight just gives her an external target to distract herself. Early in the Civil War, Secretary of State William Seward wanted to declare war on Britain in the hopes that it would unite the North and South against a common external enemy...Lincoln famously responded with “One war at a time”...try to let your wife fight the war against herself without your intervention. She’s in a personal civil war.

[AnotherStander]

Received the DB Book yesterday from Amazon. Reading in my room being paranoid that she'll discover I'm hiding something. (I've never hidden anything but presents from her.)

Maybe get some innocuous book that is similar size and wrap the cover around it so you didn't have to worry about her seeing you read it. I only read mine when she wasn't around and hid it when she was.

She's in the A with the coworker/peer so if I expose at work it's definitely going to blow back on me too. Unfortunately, think exposure may be the best chance I have of "forcing" her hand a bit to end the A.

I know there are some sites out there that recommend blowing the A up, but here we do not recommend it. The A is a symptom of your bad marriage, not the cause of it. The marriage went bad FIRST, THEN She had an A. So you've got to fix the cause, not the symptom. Now if she doesn't know that you know about the A and you want to confront her, then that's a different scenario. But when you do confront her, expect her to lie about it or go even deeper undercover with her activities. Because of this we typically say just to state something like "I know you are having an affair and I want you to know I consider it very disrespectful." Then if she asks for proof or denies it, don't get drawn in. Just say "you and I both know the truth" and walk away. But no, do not blow it up at work because even if that ends the affair she's not going to come back to you. She'll seek out another OM (and another and another). And she will likely resent you even more for exposing it.

I have a dilemma. My wife is probably going to have surgery to resect part of her intestine due to endometriosis. So...Do I just take care of the kids or do some additional level of support for her? Must I still stay completely held back and detached?

Support her as much as she WANTS to be supported, which may be not at all. As shocking as that may sound, she may not want any help from you. After BD I snooped and saw a message from my XW to her BFF that said her WORST NIGHTMARE was thinking about getting sick and having me care for her. WOW! She wanted NOTHING from me after BD. So don't just assume she wants help, ask her how she would like you to help her. My XW ended up having a breast cancer scare after BD. She had to go through some treatments. I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she said no. And that was that. Ironically she asks me for more help now then she did back then. Anyway, ask her, and then honor her wishes even if it's leaving her alone.

[Max2k10]

AnotherStander makes a very good point about the downside to confrontation: it will cause her to become more careful.

I confronted my wife in early June. Big mistake. She is just as bad about her emotional affairs, but is even more careful to hide them. She seems to be experimenting with using her computer to call EA1 so that there isn’t a phone record. Pretty sure she coordinates with EA2 mostly via FB messenger. EA3 I don’t know...they both have iPhones and iMessages don’t show up on phone logs (they are data sent via Apple not txts via Verizon).

My wife simply resented me all the more and further justified herself as a result. I came across as insecure and needy to her...even though her initial response was positive.

Affairs are a symptom of a bad marriage...not the cause.

[Ske0187]

Sorry to do this.
I was reading a thread today that was all quotes reposted by one person.. I thought it was in newcomers, the second thread from the bottom. It had around 7 links to these quotes pages. I normally wouldn’t be so vague but it was such an awesome thread that I’m sure someone knows where it is. Thanks!

[Tryhard]

Try this http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1386710&page=all

[Ske0187]

Thank you!!!!


Edit - threads merged

[Ske0187]

UHG!

Critique away....

There I was getting my D's SSN at the SSA Office.

I get a text from the babysitter about something (The W is on the string), the lady behind the window was off getting a copy of something so I answered the text. About 30 sec later I get a call from the W. I can't answer because the lady is coming back so I hit the "go to VM" button. She calls my work phone immediately. This is basically code for this is important. The SSA lady is basically done so I send to VM, knowing I'll be calling back in like, two minutes.

I call back ask what's up and she starts in on me about why I couldn't answer but I could text? I thought about it and decided it would be worth answering because she needed to get past this so I could get the info she wanted to give me that was worth calling my work phone for. I said I was getting the SSN and couldn't answer. W "But you could answer the text?" I said yes. She basically blabs about me not telling the truth blah blah blah again. I said, it's unfortunate you can't believe me when I tell you the truth. She then tells me "Well, I wanted to tell you the permission for the adoption for our S came through." Then we get cut off. She's never hung up on me before so I didn't think that was it. That's big news so I called back.

That was a mistake....

She starts saying how she understands that part of this situation is her fault but I need to know that I'm part of the reason we are where we are. I validated that yes, I realize that I have a part in the erosion of our marriage but I accept no responsibility for her poor decision making that led us the this crisis. She asked who did I admit that to? I said, you...and that I'm sorry that maybe she is recalling our conversation differently. She spouts off about how perfect I think I am blah blah blah. I said thank you. Then, "I don't want to continue this conversation when you are in the mindset you're in and I'll talk to you later." The last thing I heard while hanging up was her raising her voice to "My mindset!!!!"

I'm soooo mad right now that she ruined that news. We've been fighting for this adoption for almost a year and a half. This was supposed to be happy news. I guess I'm going to take it as still happy news so she can't control my feelings.

I sure wanted to share that news with my wife instead of this alien....

I'm starting IC tonight and need her to be home. I hope she shows up so I can go.

She was so civil this morning...

I asked her if she would be home tonight by 430 to watch the kids because I had to go out. She said where? I said Dr's appt. She asked if I was Ok. I said yes, I'm going to go see a therapist, that I have some things I need to take care of that I'm going to need some help with.

I figured I would share that info so she could see that 1. I was taking care of things for myself and that 2. Her infidelity had consequences that went beyond what is between her ears. I know that's really not going to get through to her right now but It's the only way to let her know how much this has affected me without telling her how devastated I am or appearing to pursue.

To be honest with everyone here, with the way my head is now and that I'm new at this, I'm not sure if I'm justifying or being reasonable. I 'm trying to detach and do 180s while still balancing boundaries, validating and being cordial.