So my ex husband (legally separated, not officially divorce) is still in the replay stage of his crisis. OW still very much in the picture. I have so much respect for all of you that have chosen to stand, for me it wasn’t the right decision. I still, however, have to live with his crisis somewhat because we have young children. And although I don’t want a life with him, I still care about him and want him to get better. My question is this...do you think by not standing, him knowing he can’t ever have what he threw away (assuming he would want that of course), do you think it prevents him from ever completing the crisis? Like would he think to himself, well I’ve already screwed everything up, what’s the point? Interested to hear what you guys think.
I believe our standing or not, has no, or very little affect on the MLCer’s crisis duration, path, or outcome.
A crisis is the emotional torment from long ago pains and traumas that as young people they could not cope with and hid deep within themselves. When these unrelenting painful feelings bubble to the surface they have no idea why. After so very long enduring such distress they finally explode and bomb everyone and everything around them, including themselves.
Their crisis has nothing to do with us. I’ve seen my XW change personalities in mid sentence, a different age of herself. She is most of the time a young teenager around 18, push her and she revert to around 14, and there has even been a seven year old girl inside her I’ve talked too. I’ve only seen W, the 47 year old woman twice since BD. Both times was exceedingly short and ended with something from within visibly twisting and pulling her back down into the depths. That may have been the spookiest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Their crisis is reliving their unknown torment over and over. That is why they run, to escape. There is no reasoned idea of what they thrown away or lost. They are emotionally driven and absolutely need to run. It is a crisis.
The completion of this crisis, is beyond our control. It is probably beyond their control, and that is a sobering realization of the magnitude of this. They need to grow and realize whatever it is they are emotionally lacking. Realize that it is not their fault. See that authority person from their childhood for who they are and what they did. A tall order for someone so troubled.
I believe there has to be a catalyst to help the MLCer along their path, and that is not us. It’s some bit of fate that pushes the MLCer just the right way and in just the right direction.
In speaking generally I really do not think we can do much to steer their journey while they’re running. If / when they have an awakening perhaps then our behaviours may come into play. They will still exit their crisis regardless, but they’ll remember how we treated them.
Just my two cents.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 08/09/1903:46 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The most important thing I think for me is not to stand still in my life
MY XH crises is his and he chose his path.. I was patient, cordial and more than understanding to him while he was still in this area.
I would still be cordial and kind to this day if he called and needed something that was reasonably within my ability to help-- BUT my life is for me to live...he is gone..I chose a long time ago to let go and move on and Im so glad i did
I dont think anything I did or have done since his crises affected him for the worse nor has helped him either
Im not sure any of it matters,,its more up to them to seek help from a professional help to deal with their unresolved childhood issues..This is the part I think they run from (not us) and no matter what we do it cant make them better
Hope that helps
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Not sure if you have read Cadet's Welcome Posting, but you will want to read the threads to help you better understand MLC and what is happening in your situation.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been in this a few years, have read so much, been following your situations. I don't really post much, I have bad anxiety and paranoia when it comes to posting a lot of detail about my life on the internet. I feel confident in my decision to not stand, it was and still is the best decision for me. And although I am not standing, I continue to work on me. Just because I am not standing, does not mean I am not subject to my exes crisis. He is still deep deep in crisis, and I learn a lot from this board on how to Respond to him or handle certain situations. I think I’m doing well most the time, I must be because for the most part we get along well. Although I still struggle, ex husband can be quite chatty and like his old self sometimes, especially if OW is not around, I know he misses our connection, but at this point I am not interested in a friendship. I do like being friendly for the sake of the kids though. My new beau is amazed how I handle myself when ex is being nutso. I guess sometimes I just feel guilty not being his lighthouse, but I maybe I still can be through kindness? I don’t know. Maybe I am doing some things right, as he seems to be having more better days lately. It’s so weird after all this time, I still know him so well, I feel so sad for him. Ok I’ll stop babbling now ;-)
I think you are doing well and would work on letting go of the guilt
this was his decision and you allowed him to peacefully choose his path standing is a choice and if it dos not feel right, you have to honor that
I stood for about 2 years..during our separation process Each of us has our limits to how long we want to wait and what feels right for me it was when he filed, we D and XH immediately M OW--
trust yourself-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I feel so sad for him. Ok I’ll stop babbling now ;-)
Babbling is good for you. If you went through the mess of blather that is my old - and seemingly current threads you'll know that you aren't unusual here at all.
I struggled for a long time on whether to stand or not. I believed a lot of the MLC diagnosis as it is described here and in similar places. My ex went through a lot of depression, acted out, got an OM, left (eventually). She even got the requisite tattoo - I think the MLC thing must come in a kit or something like that.
She perhaps went in to it about 4 or 5 years ago when she was in the midst of peri-menopause, empty nest and the whole turning 50 things.
I threw the towel in when it became clear that she preferred OM to me even though their relationship was nowhere like stable.
As far as I know, she's got a fairly standard life going on. Her and OM are still a thing although I don't believe they co-habit but they do occasionally vacation together I've heard. She's gotten a reasonable relationship with her kids.
I don't interact with her at all but the last times, during the divorce show her to be a very angry bitter woman.
So yes - perhaps they do come "through" the crisis but there are many paths out of the briar patch and I personally believe that few of them lead back the way they came. That requires effort, hard work and accepting responsibility for the choices they have made. Something that most, including my ex-wife aren't capable of.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
