So today's been rough. Trying to stay strong. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I feel confident, the next I want to crawl into a ball. I've signed up for an online workout program, so hopefully that'll help keep me busy. This is definitely a 180 for me. Staying hopeful!
Nervous, because my son comes back next week, and then we'll have to interact more often (He has soccer practice twice a week, and meet the teacher is coming up).
Trying to stay strong. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I feel confident, the next I want to crawl into a ball.
It gets better with time. Just stay the course. Remember your goal is to become the best version of TonyS there has ever been. Focus on you, not her, even when you have to interact with her more. Read and know and live sandi's rules.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thats a great idea. I got myself set up financially because I accepted that D was coming. Drop all expectations of your MR. You are no longer MR. Its just a piece of paper now.
Every day that you successfully DB, you will feel better and better. You will eventually get to a point where your WW has zero affect on your emotions. Even if the detachment works and your WW stops what she is doing and tries to come back, you may not want her back. Your goal is to get yourself healthy emotionally and get to a point where you are comfortable with your life moving forward no matter what.
I decided that cheating was a dealbreaker. Coupled with the extreme emotional abuse, gas lighting and mistreatment, I was done. I now have a younger GF who is absolutely amazing and treats me much better than my EXWW did even when she wasnt cheating.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. You will get through this and you will be fine single or not. YOU DESERVE BETTER! We all deserve someone who cherishes their relationship with us and would never hurt us like our WW did.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks for the words of encouragement! Today is day 4 of going dark/no contact. Started out a little rough; Mortgage company said I can't currently refinance due to debt-income ratio. Unfortunately, I took on most of the debt in the relationship, so will have some digging out to do. I'm determined to stay the course, though. It'll be tight for a while, but I know my kids will appreciate the hard work in the long run.
They absolutely will. You will show them how a responsible adult handles a situation like this and comes out stronger.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
You've got to let her go so she can miss you. If she doesn't want you as a husband, she shouldn't be able to have you as a friend. You can read up on some of the pursuit / distance resources here.
As a benefit, not seeing someone is incredibly helpful in detaching. No contact really lets you deal with your own issues and helps the LBS fog to dissipate. Be prepared for when she contacts you though - they don't want us around, but they don't want us to get over them either.
Yeah, I'm really trying to mentally let her go. I have been able to stay no contact for going on 5 days now, but it's been really hard. She hasn't tried reaching out at all, but I know it's coming. Every time in the past when I've gone dark (even for a day or two) she's reached out. This is probably the longest we've gone our whole relationship without contact.
What's driving me the most crazy right now, is all her stuff is still here. She literally packed an overnight bag in June and left everything else. I've already taken down all of our pictures, but the sheer amount of stuff you accumulate over 10 years makes it difficult to put her stuff away.
Yeah it sure is strange talking to someone everyday for years and then not talking to them for days or weeks. If anything the lack of contact will help you to detach. Try to get out and do fun things if you are having a sad day.
That’s good you took down pictures and such. Try to get some new things and really make the place your own now. I put up a ton of sports memorabilia in almost every room after W moved out. Looks pretty cheesy but I like it and am proud of how it looks now.
If possible try to move all of her stuff out of the way or out of sight. If she does contact you remember to only rely if asked a question and keep it very brief. Good luck
(((Tony))). You may not feel this way but you are doing really well Tony. I was a mess for months. Did not think I would EVER get over my H and could not even conceive of liking anyone else let alone liking them enough to want to sleep with them. The very thought of it made me want to throw up... I had that feeling a lot in the early days. My H was the first thing I thought of when I got up each morning and the last thing I thought of before bed every night. It felt like he would never leave my thoughts and I honestly just wanted to throw DBing out the window and curl up into a little ball and die.
But I persevered and slowly but surely things got better. Seeing him or talking to him started hurting less and disrupted my day less. And I started to have days where he would be the second or third thing I thought of. In those days when I had my kids full time during the week, he would pick up my daughter twice a week in the am to take her to tutoring. I used to get up extra early to shower and get ready so that when he stopped in and was in my presence for five minutes, he would see me looking good and we would have a friendly exchange. My week would revolve around those five minute meetings. Eventually though, my need to do that started to fade until one morning, I was in my bathroom drying my hair and singing along to my music in my bathroom when I glanced down at the clock and realized he had come and gone and I hadn’t even thought of it. That was a great day and it has been that way ever since. He still picks up my daughter when I have her and I cannot remember the last time we crossed paths in the morning.
Once my days stopped revolving around him and I had a lot less contact, I started to be able to see some of the problems in our marriage. I still think they were resolvable if my H had chosen to make me aware of his unhappiness and we had worked on things together but that was never going to be his path. He is an avoider and a runner. He would rather reinvent himself and start over then look in the mirror and own some of his feelings and behaviours. So we were always going to end up here. Accepting that was my next step to healing and it gave me the courage to face one of my fears which is that I was too old and too flawed and unloveable to find anyone else. So I started online dating and was pleasantly surprised to find out that not only were there plenty of people out there who would be interested in me but that I was seen as a “great catch”. That ego boost was, I think, enough to really keep me moving toward the future... that and the knowledge that one of my worst fears was realized (losing my H and my MR) and I survived and some would even say, thrived. I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I have met a great guy who may not be perfect for me but he has brought a lot of joy to my life and reminded me that I am a very affectionate person (my H’s neglect of me had drained that from me). I love the physical aspect of our relationship as much as the emotional/mental aspect of it. Not sure if we will be together in a year or even six months but I don’t even care at this point. I am living my life in the now and it feels great.
Did not want to hijack your thread by writing all of this Tony but I just wanted to lend you my support and to provide you with a living, breathing example of someone who did not save her marriage but did save herself and is doing great. Also...re: the stuff... I hear you. My H still has lots of stuff here which he is slowly moving to his new home. It is limited to the storage room and the garage at this point but it is annoying (I want my house free of him completely). However, it does not affect me emotionally any longer. My advice to you is to put all of her stuff into one room and to close the door and forget about it. Maybe give her a deadline and tell her that if she has not picked up her stuff by then, you will donate it or take it to the dump. I haven’t done that with my H because I am trying to preserve a positive co-parenting relationship with him but I may at some point.
Keep doing what you are doing. Focus on yourself. You will get there and look back on this and wonder to yourself why it took you so long...lol. (((HUGS)))
Thank you so much for your reply! I definitely appreciate you sharing your story. The more and more I interact with everyone on this board, the more sure I feel about my future/self-discovery.
I know I'm still really at the beginning of my journey, but I already am seeing little flickers of hope
I do have a lot of fears about the future, but I have also noticed that my anxiety has decreased greatly the past few days. I still have moments of desperate thoughts flying through my head, but instead of acting on them, I'm distracting myself, which in itself is a HUGE step!
I think one of the biggest issues is her job is less than a mile from my job, and her brother's house is also less than 1 mile from my home. We live in a very large city, so it almost seems comical how close we are still in proximity. I've passed by her co-workers (even the boss at the center of the betrayal) several times, and I've unfortunately had to give up my local Starbucks because it's also frequented by her co-workers.
I'm learning every day about what triggers me, and how to avoid them. But honestly, I think this board has been the greatest help so far! I'm still looking for an individual counselor (The one I tried was ehh...) lol!!! But one step at a time!
