Other than backing off and working out, what else should I be doing? How should I act around him? Friendly? Distant? Like everything is okay? Limit affection? Not make love? Should I still call him the pet names I always have? I have a hard time hiding my anger. Because I don't really know what to say, My anger doesn't cause me to yell at him or insult him. I just don't say anything at all. It hurts so darn bad. He goes on like nothing is wrong at all. Not a care in the world. At least his outward appearance seems to be his conscience isn't bothered in the least. I feel less lost but am still so unsure. I was able to get ahold of a few books yesterday but have not had time today to do any reading.
Act like a friendly roommate. Dont initiate conversation but if he does be friendly.
Dont get into in depth discussions about your R. If he talks about the R, listen and validate his feelings.
Be busy around him. Be occupied. Read. I would suggest being so busy with yourself and out doing things with friends , family or alone that you rarely see him.
Edit to add. No pet names. No I Love Yous. Just be friendly. Be mysterious.
Last edited by SoTorn; 08/01/1906:26 PM.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Read Cadet's welcome message (the first response you got). All links.
Act friendly, upbeat, pleased, content.
Do not start conversation but fully engage when he does. If he launches into R talks, listen and validate. Do not be overly sharing. Treat him like you would a friendly cashier at the store.
If you suspect any chance of a PA do not make love. Protect your sexual health. If there is no PA and you are sure, then if he initiates you can, but attach NO MEANING TO IT. It doesn't mean things are improving.
Read the detachment thread.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I want to thank everyone for their help. Keep it coming
I read the detachment thread and I didn't really get much out of it. I just don't have a good grasp of what it truly is and what I'm supposed to do. It was very unlike the validation which I understood very well and have put it to good use.
I have backed way off, using validation as much as I remember too, try hard not to control him or nitpick and I've been a little aloof too. I know it's only been a few days, but I've noticed his behavior has changed at times. He's become more playful and affectionate for one thing. It's a start .
Hi Mindy, sorry you find yourself here. But this forum has been many of our survival guide thru the eye of the storm. Sometimes advice here may not make sense, but have trust that it is eventually meant to see you thru this. Your WH is acting like a teenager who wants to run away from mommy and wants to keep his secrets. What mature adult behaves this way? He clearly knows all these things are hurting you immensely but he still continues doing it, in a very cruel way that is sending you a very clear message . Do not think of this as your own sitch, if one of your friend was going thru this and her H was treating her this way what would you tell her? Marriage is a great institution and we all uphold its value but it is also a sacred agreement of love and respect between 2 adults. This man child behavior is very unappealing almost repulsive isn’t it? Why would the strong, independent Mindy put herself thru this abuse? EA or PA it’s wayward behavior I know early on , detachment sounds hard to even wrap our heads around but eventually it will become a way of life. For now to start detaching, set your boundaries very clearly with him, follow thru those and turn the focus 100% on yourself Plan your life irrespective of what the outcome of this will be. Be kind to him so he knows how you should be spoken to. As soon as he breaks the no contact rule with his GF follow thru with strict consequences. Only you can define those as they are all specific to each of our sitches You have a lot of friends here, we all stand by you, will support you and promise to stay with you as long as you need us. Because you are worth all the love in the world. Hugs
Hi MindyMin, to me Detaching is related to Get-A-Life. The more we satisfy our wants and needs without our partner, the more we get emotional support without our partner, the less what they do matters.
I'm still figuring these things out, two months and change in.
Thank you! It is repulsive. I think it's disrespectful to me for him to continue a behavior that jeopardizes our marriage and a behavior that's inappropriate for a married man and a behavior that is hurtful to me. I didn't answer his MULTIPLE calls today. I had an appointment this morning and then took some time out for just me to exercise and think. He knew I had an appointment today. I ignored his texts and calls while I exercised. I thought it was good to be unavailable for a little bit. I ALWAYS answer my phone but not today . He continued to call when I got home but I had a meeting on the phone and ignored his calls. He called ALOT. I did finally answer his texts with a simple "Just got out of a meeting. " I decided I was leaving before he got home. I grabbed some of my relationship books and took off right after work. I did text him "Got some errands to run and other things to do. I'll see you later." He replied 'OK babe.' As persistent as he was to make contact with me, I was a bit surprised by his response. He talked to her today for about a half hour today. She wants to see him. He replied he 'was on a short leash' and she said she thought I would loosen it by now. All I have said to him is that I would rather he not visit with her or the guy she lives with. Maybe it was easier to blame me than say he didn't want to see her or whatever. I don't know. I just know the entire evening is mine.
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