I have a LOT of refinement to do on my methods. I think I'm doing pretty good for being so new, but it's that last 20%+ that's really hard (I'd imagine).
Quick recap: ILUBNILWY a month ago. Wedding ring given back. Suspect EA, maybe PA (she's on the road a lot for work). I'm not ready for confirmation yet. Live together, sleep in same bed. Almost an in-house S, she is free to run away and close the door. I'm staying away as much as possible. No real spew yet, no more R talks (only three before I really knew better... that's not happening anymore). Only once was the D word used, but she talked extensively about running. No questions from me beyond how was your day (that may be ending too). Staying nice and upbeat to her face, and being a ghost most of the time (95%). We are avoiding each other, I'm not chasing. She has done a tiny, tiny bit... microscopic. I'm not biting, pulling away even more (but I love to see it).
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S3
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It was mostly getting the lay of the land for my coach, but she was very encouraging and had some really good tidbits.
Looking forward to the next call because that's when it'll really get interesting with exercises and such.
She said I was doing a good job with what I've been doing so far, so that was a BIG relief to hear. I feel a lot better now.
Se really zeroed in on problems which contributed to getting to MLC.
I'm still confused about how much bumping into each other is good, and how much is bad. I also need a lot of refinement... a LONG way to go. More space... more time....
Having a blast at the gym. Love it. Been talking to God a lot, and he's been replying in amazing ways (incredible) and wonderful lessons.
I can honestly say this experience really is an awakening and I'm thankful for it. I just wouldn't listen if I wasn't brought to my knees.
I'm so sorry for my W that she's having a terrible time. I'm sorry that I will be allowed to become something much better while she's in agony, but I must get better to help her later..... I will not abandon her..... never. No matter what she does, no matter what she says. I'm the husband, and I am the rock.
My silence is courage, restraint, self-control and patience. My loyalty is my vows upheld without temptation. My time is my own and God's. My love is my growing empathy and compassion for my W. My caring is my forgiveness, which I will give freely for all past and future hurts. My body hardens, my mind sharpens.......... Only a fool would throw me away.
You have a good attitude and I'm glad you are enjoying your spin class. Keep up the good work. You are on the right path.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm doing the coaching calls, second one is Monday..... I liked the first one.
If at some point W suggests we get help, I want to jump all over that.... YES YES YES. I don't know if she will want this at some point, but it occurred to me that I need to be prepared and have the way paved instead of her picking some quack that affirms her and sends us down the divorce turnpike with me screaming all the way.
So..... has anyone used the Divorce Busting Center, or the MWD two day intensive? And are they the best for dealing with MLC (to the MLC'er directly that is)? I read DR, it was great.... but it was very obvious in the MLC chapter, that it was the most sparse part of the whole book. To sum it up: "It's going to suck. Buckle up buttercup. You will learn patience, and then more patience, and then some more. Sorry".
So IF she every wants consoling at some point, is it a good idea to drag her over to Boulder Colorado?
I do not think that she's going to want to seek out counseling at this time. You should continue w/your counseling for as long as you think you need it.
If your wife decides to seek out counseling, it might be wise for her to see a counselor at first on her own and then go from there. She may have a lot of issues that she will need to discuss w/a professional and she may not feel comfortable and open up w/you in the room.
If and when it is time to seek "couples" counseling, you may want to look into solution based counseling in your area. Sure, you can drag your wife to CO, but wouldn't it be best to locate someone in your immediate area that you can make appointments to see periodically.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just I'm just hesitant about counselors.... they wield a lot of power to validate something which is wrong. I've done some glancing online of counselors here and I see that whole "girl-power" thing in effect: "Help with live transitions, get on with your new life, self empowerment, etc". Messages like that are 100% what is NOT needed, and they are all lies. Deception.
So finding help which isn't skewed to D is very important. That's why I was asking.... and I totally think you're right, it'll be IC before MC.... and I won't have any input on that.
Had my second coaching call..... wow...... devastating. Totally laid bare many of my faults and what I contributed to getting to this point.
I feel terrible, but at the same time..... very thankful. I understand much better now my failings, and now I can deal with myself better for improvement.... and have more empathy for W.
SF - Exactly! I think you are on the same path as me: I started finally making progress when I started connecting my underlying issues to my problematic attitudes and behaviors. Still a Work in progress.
Before: I pestered my W for affection. PT was my LL. She was not communicating her needs. I'm a bad person for pressuring my W.
After: I have a fear of losing relationships, and need reassurance during stressful times. Rather than self-soothe, I outsourced my emotional well-being to my W, which overwhelmed her and felt like pressure, not love. I have now learned (albeit too late) not to go to W immediately when I am stressed about our R. The fear is there (especially now!) and will always be there, but I have learned coping skills so I don't dump out my bad feelings onto her.
If my W understood my fear, of course maybe things would have turned out differently. But she has a different set of issues, and I'm understanding her more that way too, and that helps with the empathy. I should not expect her to understand all of my issues, when I don't understand hers.
