Gordie 24 still married

[Gordie]

Previous Thread:

Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

I have intentionally been checking in less to the boards

Day to day and week to week things are slowly getting better

I am thankful for that

However there is still a lot of miscommunication

And places where we do not see eye to eye

We are significantly different people now

And share a lot less in common

I am still working to improve my side of the street

And heck yes there is still a lot to improve

We are not yet working on us

I hope one day we get there

I am still committed despite all that has happened

I still love her

[SBJ]

Glad to hear you are still fighting the fight. You are standing for your marriage and it is tough for sure. Keep on keeping on.

[Gerda]

Previous Thread:

Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

I still love her

Gordie, why do you still love her?

Reading your post, if you were at the start of your relationship back twenty years ago, the list would not lead one to the conclusion that you love her.

Now post-MLC, I understand in some ways why you still do.

But I wonder if you would be able to say why. I wonder if the why is what I have in my mind or something else.

I do not love my H anymore, not the one in front of me. I feel like he is a battering ram coated in acid, and I must keep my gate lowered to block his force against the castle of my being.

I can barely remember the H I knew before. I have not seen him in over six years. I think I love him but I can't remember him.

Mostly I tell God I trust Him, that if His plan is to restore His prodigal son, He will put His own love in my heat so I don't need to worry about keeping hold of it now while the battering ram is beating at the gate.

But often I am in a free fall towards who I was before -- I was always alone, I was so powerful in my solitude. And my relationships with men were nothing real. I was not a Christian then. Seeing my longing to be that person again, all I can do is try to aim my free fall toward God.

I loved your post to me in the last thread. The thought of you somewhere far away, standing in a store and hearing that song (was it Flora Cash?) and smiling to think of me -- well, that is just about the only thing I need to feel happy today.

I am praying for you and W. I am praying that God's plan is more beautiful than anything you can imagine in this moment.

Here is another song for you. Lately I have been listening to a lot of rap. In many ways that is part of my free fall. But not this song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPuj6UISMhs

It's called, "Blinded by Your Grace," and it's by Stormzy.

[Gordie]

Gerda

In short I still love w because I choose to do so

I still choose her

I believe in the vows and for better for worse

And in our humanity and inhumanity

We hurt each other

The old m is dead

A lot of stuff has happened

Idealism has given way to realism

We are different people

Can we make it through this reconnection phase

One day at a time I believe that we can

But it will take more time

I am happier than I have been in a long time

I can now look back with some distance at the damage done

It’s still there in the rear view mirror

But it’s really hard to move forward while looking back

This is not sweeping things under the rug

It is an acknowledgment of where we are today

I have dealt with the past within myself

And I hope some day we can also address it together

But I am at peace that today is not that day

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gordie

I understand your less frequent visits to the forum, and your intentional choice to do so.

It is nice to hear from you, my wise friend.

DnJ

[roist]

I recenty read about a couple married for over 50 years (could have been more...) and when asked their secret to have such a mong marriage, he replied "not to fall out of love at the same time". A simple statement, but once one is IN the M, there is a M. I believe our situations are a bit like that. Our Ws detached from the M but are still there. You have survived an affair and an immenent D. That has to have left collatoral damage, that will need to be cleared before anything better can thrive. Although it may seem so imperfect at the moment, you are closer to your goal than you were last year!

Believing in the potential of a better R is essential IMO. I am not someone who believes people should stand just to stand and any M is better than none. I believe in the potential of any situation CAN improve. As long as you believe that for your M, anything is possible. Just don'y expect IT

Best wishes

[KevinIn]

Hi Gordie!! This was the first time I've been on this site in probably 18 months, and was happy to see your name as still active. I may or may not make a post in the next day or two.
I hope all is going well with you and your life!

[DnJ]

Happy Father’s Day Gordie.

Hope you enjoy the day with your gang of kids.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Gordie, thinking of you today, and your strong and loving fatherly presence to your kids and even to us, when we need it. Happy Father's Day, my friend! I hope your kids showed you some serious love today. (And maybe even W did?)

[bttrfly]

happy Father's Day Gordie xoxo