You know, where-ever the responsibility lies for the breakdown of your marriage, and however hard you have worked on your own shortcomings - marriage is hard. Even the best marriages are difficult and take work and attention and bravery and vulnerability and a willingness to change and sacrifice and hold on to yourself while you have hard conversations. And he just isn't up to it. He doesn't have the capacity. That might change, but it isn't likely to happen soon. Perhaps he is afraid of losing you, but going dark is the best thing you can do - because he doesn't have you and that's because he isn't capable of being close to someone because of the choices he is making to blame, to evade, to drown out his feelings with booze and work.
I cannot believe you went and slept in a spare room in your own home - when you're not permitted to enter his flat - because you were worried about the effect of your normal sleeping noise might have on his mood and ability to think. There is such a fine line between care and enabling, and I think you stepped into enabling there.
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He did say at one stage that I'm the biggest part of his life in terms of friendship and he doesn't want to lose it but knows he can't keep it and get divorced.
That there is him telling you that he is cake eating. He doesn't want to be a husband because he isn't up to it. But he wants a wife, but only in tiny doses, and only if she's on best behaviour and not asking for anything. And he calls that friendship.
Thank you Alison, I really really needed to hear that. The sleeping on the sofa bed wasn't me being a doormat though, it was just wanting to get some sleep because he'd been waking me up all night turning over really aggressively in bed! He went and slept on the sofa bed last night. The bit about only wanting a wife on best behaviour is so true, but it's been like that for a long time really. I've had enough of being found wanting, I have my faults but I can't live up to perfectionism.
OK, he needs to feel the loss of me. This starts now. No initiating texts, no phone calls unless it's absolutely necessary. I will be busy GAL if he offers to meet up. I will be busy GAL if he comes to see the kids. We went for a nice walk this morning before he left. He was pleasant and we chatted easily. I'm pretty much the only person he can talk to about work, about anything really, his friends aren't people he really opens up to. He will miss me, but the dilly cafe is no longer serving cake.
I'm expecting temperature checks. The temperature will be tepid.
Honestly: I'm sick of him taking up space in my head. I'm evicting him from my thoughts. He is not worth it.
And yep, already had a text wishing me a good day, I'm ignoring it. The funny thing was, we had a lovely meal last night. We went to a nice restaurant, had a delicious meal, I was friendly and good company. I wore a nice dress and looked hot (objectively so, that's not me being vain, I'm pretty attractive and people I know tell me so). I thanked him for a good meal.
The man is an idiot. He has sooo much to lose. Dilly 2.0 is an amazing woman. She's clever, funny, good looking and a good person.
I actually feel sorry for him, he's risking the best thing in his life. By a mile.
I was worried, Dilly - I might have been too harsh. I know this board is a big fan of the 2x4 and sometimes the truth of someone else's perspective is hard to hear, but there's skill in giving that truth respectfully and gently and I hope I didn't blunder...
You sound angry. And that might power you through the first part of going dark. But that will wear off. Better, perhaps, to reframe this as not something he is doing to you out of malice, but him offering his best, and you saying 'no thank you,' to it? I think you're right - he's sick or depressed or broken in some way. People in pain are selfish and they don't have room for anyone else. He's probably not meaning to hurt you, even though he is. But you can't fix him. All you can do is move away and gently put up some boundaries between you and him. He probably will get a bit worse once he realises that the ways you've been propping him up and protecting him from the truth of his situation (he isn't capable of having intimate relationships right now) is gone - but it will do him good. He will either sink or swim. You will be swimming elsewhere.
ha, you couldn't be harsh if you tried! I'm not angry, really not. I feel sad and sorry for him. He certainly is broken, and I need to just back off and let him fix himself if he can. If he can't, it really is his loss. I will be ok no matter what, I have to keep coming back to that. Somewhere along the way I got my hopes up that he was capable of change, but if he's gone backwards then that's his choice. I'm not settling for crumbs any more, I deserve better than that. And no, he's not being malicious, he's suffering somehow and I'm bearing the brunt of the blame for it. His best is pathetic, honestly.
I think he is capable of change - we all are. Whether he is willing to put the work in and feel the growing pains is another matter.
I'm starting to think of marriage as like the PhD of relationships... and there's no point expecting to have a good marriage with someone still working on their A Levels. Your H is on a study leave at the moment...
And yep, already had a text wishing me a good day, I'm ignoring it.
My H continues to do the same. He says he considers us separated, just living under the same roof, yet he continues to temp check all the time..... Keep up the good work. I haven't initiated a text in weeks. When H texts me I keep it short and simple. I'm not at the point of ignoring it, yet.
The man is an idiot. He has sooo much to lose. Dilly 2.0 is an amazing woman. She's clever, funny, good looking and a good person. I actually feel sorry for him, he's risking the best thing in his life. By a mile.
He is an idiot. I try, but I still can't understand why the wayward spouse is willing to risk losing it all. My H told me that he is an idiot, that anyone would be crazy not to jump at the opportunity to repair things with me. Yet, he is an idiot..... Continue to do what you are doing. If my H wants a chance with me, he will have to fight for it. If not, I will be ok. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way, but every day I get a little closer, a little better, a little bit more independent.
I came home and bagged up more of my husband's clothes, the cupboard is full. If he comes to see the kids at the weekend I'm going to put some of the bags in his car, not going to offer to sort anything out to go to charity, he can do that. Suddenly he might find his flat is a lot fuller than it was, there is an awful lot of stuff taking up a lot of my house.
I've decided to go see a solicitor next week, I want to find out whether it would make sense to D now or to wait a year or so given he will earn a lot of money in that time. I actually think I'm coming to terms with being done. I've had enough rejection, he actually spent years rejecting me even when we lived together but I was too stupid to pick up on the signals. Dilly 2.0 has taken enough crap, it really is true that I can't nice him into wanting to be with me, so I will just be assertive now. I will be nice enough that he doesn't pull the D trigger if it's not in my financial interest, but I think I've given up hope for now. Living one day at a time, I have plenty to keep me busy. I'm tired after this weekend, it was the definition of unrelaxing.
I came home and bagged up more of my husband's clothes, the cupboard is full. If he comes to see the kids at the weekend I'm going to put some of the bags in his car, not going to offer to sort anything out to go to charity, he can do that. Suddenly he might find his flat is a lot fuller than it was, there is an awful lot of stuff taking up a lot of my house.
I've decided to go see a solicitor next week, I want to find out whether it would make sense to D now or to wait a year or so given he will earn a lot of money in that time. I actually think I'm coming to terms with being done. I've had enough rejection, he actually spent years rejecting me even when we lived together but I was too stupid to pick up on the signals. Dilly 2.0 has taken enough crap, it really is true that I can't nice him into wanting to be with me, so I will just be assertive now. I will be nice enough that he doesn't pull the D trigger if it's not in my financial interest, but I think I've given up hope for now. Living one day at a time, I have plenty to keep me busy. I'm tired after this weekend, it was the definition of unrelaxing.
Yes, girl! THIS!!! So much THIS!!!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
The solicitor thing is a really good idea. A lot of what we think we know about our rights is based on stories from friends and google searches. Most will offer you a free consultation where at least you will get an idea of where you stand.
Good luck. Keep your head high and walk your path.
