Unchien - I think you're right. There is a difference between limbo and taking things for granted and security. I guess I put a lot of my security or emotional well being into my husband's lap. Now I am gradually taking it back. I would like to repair my marriage (or at least, I feel like that today - other days I am very ambivalent) but if it isn't possible, then I want to be okay. I want to have security in myself and my spirituality, rather than my marriage and my H, which are things outside of my control. I am not there yet. And I think getting there is the first challenge. The second challenge will be to keep my sense of security in myself while also repairing my M. Being intimate without being dependent. I don't know how to do that.
Yail - Both my girls are naturally intuitive (are all children?). They sense the temperature in the room. But unlike her sister, she does not internalize any of it. She knows when things are tense and will give one or both of us a cuddle. When she leaves to go to her dads she will run up and give me the biggest hug you can imagine and tell me how much she loves me. D9 is, in a strange way, my rock. She is her dads too. She doesn't demand anything in return. Just that we are free with our cuddles back. She has a naturally happy temperament - she can't ever walk like a normal person, she has to skip or jump or look for walls to walk on. She will put together the strangest most colorful outfits (dots and animal prints, stripes which go in opposing directions) and when her sister chastises her for dressing weird she firmly says back "I don't want to be like everyone else". I hope she will always be as secure in herself as she is today.
Limbo verses 'just living' your life. Sometimes I wish I could just move on. A dating app is installed on my phone, and although I have not yet set up a profile, I look at it at least once a day to see what else 'is out there'. There are times when I wonder if I am deluding myself that there is any hope left. There are days when I wonder if I am standing out of pride and/or fear. I tell myself patience but if I were to be honest, it is wearing thin.
There are times when I wonder if I am over thinking it. Maybe there is nothing left. I don't even think he is cake eating any more. Just biding his time until the two years separation are up and we can D (here it is two years unless one party has been unreasonable/having an A). He does not want to be blamed for this, and if I file, the system here (before two years) is one party must be to blame. A friend said a few weeks back "I don't trust him - he's scheming" and maybe she's right.
My take - all life is limbo. Change is constant - we get comfortable in our lives, and for the most part everything appears the same. But tiny minuscule changes are happening everyday, including with our S's and even within ourselves.
IMO it's our perspectives that suddenly shift when we see something in a different light. It happened with my W and this threw me into a tailspin because I hadn't shifted my perspective yet. Then gradually, mine shifted as well.
An example of this is when BD happened. W said it was possible to fall out of love without there being OP. My perspective is still what pre-DB W and mine had been: you have to work at love after yrs of being in an R. It is not something that "just happens". Its a choice. You decide to be with someone or pursue that person because of the feeling you have. But nobody forces you to be with that person. It's a decision you make.
Her sudden perspective shift on this really made me see how much change she had gone through in such a short time. It also made me start to question a lot of things, and through this I discovered that at least for me all life is limbo.
I can't take the limbo of life! I hate it! I have built this awesome family over the last couple of decades, and now it is being destroyed. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it.
It sounds like your D has a strong sense of herself, and that means you have done something right. It is great that you are able to take comfort and find joy in your time with her. Take advantage of that. It is a gift.
In terms of whether to stand or move on, that is completely up to you. You will know when it is right for you. My sense is that it takes longer with IHS and with children, but it is also completely personal. Trust yourself and take the time you need.
Just two quick notes on that - 1) Regardless of whether you stand or not, you are moving forward with your life. Not choosing is a choice itself. Just keep working on yourself, finding your joy and gratitude where you can find it. 2) If/When you decide to move on you have a brilliant future out there if you open yourself up to the possibilities. I remember my sheer terror a year ago as I faced the possibility of being divorced at 42. It shook my soul to the point of making me nauseous. Now, I see the blank canvas as a chance to do it right, to keep growing in ways that I never would have before.
hugs,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide - yes, D9 is very secure in herself. She bounces along to the music in her head and is just happy being happy. To see the world through the eyes of a 9 year old. I am forever greatful that they are both in my life. Life would certainly be easier without them ... but I would rather they were in my life, and all the stresses it brings, then not.
I know I am moving forward, I can feel it. But that pain is always there. Not the all consuming, can’t get myself off the floor and constantly doubting myself pain - that is long gone, replaced by a numbness that I can’t seem to shake. A constant knot in my stomach/pain in my chest that seems to just be a part of me now. I find moments of joy, moments of laughter and happiness, but these are fleeting. Rationally, I know I am better off. The last year of my M was not a M at all. But feelings and logic don’t always align.
This entry sounds melancholy, and that isn’t intended. I am grateful for the many things I have. I have a job I am appreciated for doing and get remunerated for well, a gorgeous home, I am healthy and, by all accounts attractive, and I have two children who are growing up to be good people. I am one of the lucky ones. I try and remind myself of all of this every day. But the emptiness is still there. Only I can rid myself of it .. and only time will do that.
D12s 2nd counselling session went well. I sat in reception whilst she had her appointment. She was less anxious this time and after the appointment even said she thinks D9 would benefit from going. This is a real 180 for her. Two weeks ago she was begging us not to make her go saying she didn’t need to go, there was nothing wrong and that she was fine. I am clocking this as a ein.
I am not able to do the friendly neighbour thing with H at the moment. He was supposed to help with the children so I could go on a work trip but backed out the night before. He had a valid reason but he wasn’t willing to even meet me half way and the sudden change in plans did not go down too well at work. People were relying on me and I, foolishly, was relying on him. I know my 180 is to be less distancing with him but sometimes I feel like my openness is just allowing him to cake eat. I want to be friendly with him .. distancing is not attractive ... but it does sometimes feel like “mug”.
DV - I have activated my profile in the OLD site. I seem to be attracting lots of men who are young enough for me to have given birth too and those that are within my age range feel too old. I am also seeing lots of photos of shirtless men at the gym/beach showing off their abs. Where have all the normal people gone?!?!?
FS I am SO pleased to hear of D12s attitude after her 2nd session. That is great news.
Understand your feelings towards H at the moment, so I don't have much to say on that. I'm sorry that it happened and that it is happening. Hopefully eventually there will be some sort of resolution as to how he can work through it better with you next time. That might not come for a bit, but I hope it comes.
I don't even know what to say about the OLD site. I'm guessing DV is leaving you a virtual high-five. But I think you'll find the normal people eventually. If you just activated it remember that people do cycle through it, so just keep it as a possibility. It only takes 1 interesting person to lead to an interesting date. In being open to the dating site perhaps that will open up something in your universe and you'll meet someone interesting while at the grocery store instead. You've opened one door to peek inside but don't forget there are so many others that also may open simultaneously. Don't worry if there isn't anything interesting behind Door #1.
I'm glad to hear D is warming up to therapy. I'm a big proponent of counseling but I was highly resistant as a 16hr old when my parents made me go after my brother died. It's normal for a teen/tween to be skeptical at first.
In terms of H your anger is justified. F#$@ him.
As to OLD, I hear you about finding lots of strange eggs out there. I feel similarly that people my age seem old to me. Of course most of them have kids. Its hard. Be patient. I don't see shirtless poses, but lots of car selfies, bathroom selfies, duck faces, and Snapchat filters (cringe). I will also say that the quality may vary greatly by the site/app you are using and different ones are better in different locales. I have had the most success on Hinge and Bumble but results obviously may vary. Regardless, congrats on putting yourself out there.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
That sounds hard FS. I'd be really really angry in your position too. It's a lack of respect, isn't it? An assumption on his part that you are the default parent. What would happen if you refused to take care of the children on his work days? He'll never need to find out because you wouldn't do that - and the way he does the childcare schedule sort of demonstrates he has that kind of confidence in you. It is a hard place to be because you have very little choice. I have a lot of resentment like this too - thinking that if I'd done what H has done - picking and choosing when to see his kids, seeing them in my house for a couple of hours twice a week, doing no significant childcare at all - then he'd be absolutely scuppered. And he's never needed to worry about that, the way I've had to worry about whether he will take them when I'm away next week, and cope with it, and parent them both properly. It is hard.
Do your friends who think he is scheming know you both well?
