Do you guys have any thing that helped detach? It is a hard process for someone I have been with for 17 years and married over 10+ years.
I was with my W for 21 years, married for 19. Was detachment hard? YES! What helped me was to not fixate on the term detachment. I actually think it is a terrible name for it. People think that DBing detachment is the opposite of attachment. It isn't. What helped me was reading a book that called it "Self-differention". Being differentiated in your marriage is the same as DBing detachment, but conveys it in a better way. Look up self-differentiation in marriage, just google it. It is eye-opening.
What helped me? PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. It is not something you talk about, it is something you do. The more you do it, the better you get at it. It is like golf. Without the green fees.
I will look for that book. Or is it a free download or pdf?
Do you guys have any thing that helped detach? It is a hard process for someone I have been with for 17 years and married over 10+ years.
I was with my W for 21 years, married for 19. Was detachment hard? YES! What helped me was to not fixate on the term detachment. I actually think it is a terrible name for it. People think that DBing detachment is the opposite of attachment. It isn't. What helped me was reading a book that called it "Self-differention". Being differentiated in your marriage is the same as DBing detachment, but conveys it in a better way. Look up self-differentiation in marriage, just google it. It is eye-opening.
What helped me? PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. It is not something you talk about, it is something you do. The more you do it, the better you get at it. It is like golf. Without the green fees.
I will look for that book. Or is it a free download or pdf?
We aren't really supposed to give out non-MWD books here. However, the idea of self-differentiation in marriage is bigger than the particular book I read. Just google "self-differentiation in marriage" and it will bring up a wealth of information on the subject.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Definition of Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love (known as to lovingly detach*), we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flip-side, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my duty/job to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she really is rather than who I want him/her to be.
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not drinking When kids get upset instead of being short or scream, I sit them down and just talk to them I used to kiss W ass and do caretaker stuff like wash all dishes, laundry, etc., I will do the kids dishes but not help her for ones she dirties used to go feed the family bunny for her so she didn’t have to do it, don’t any more I read now and used to not I am a very energized person always in the move or can’t sit down long. J am now taking more time to sit down and not do that I am going out one of the weekend nights, forcing myself to GAL. I usually am a very quiet and at home kind of guy. Being more social able and messaging friends to do things I used to just like a post on Facebook but I am showing more emotion or thoughts that I would used to just hold in. Such as this article that someone posted about living and loving with the fear of abandonment. I actually responded to it and felt good getting my emotions out. I am actually talking about my personal life more at work with coworkers that I usually just keep private. Not all details but just expressing my emotions more. Taking my kids out of the hiuse more. Took them to park yesterday since it was in the 50s here. I am detaching better today. Smiling more and being more happy around the house. I am listening to the NMMNG on audiobook and it is definitely me to a T.
Dropping the rope means quit Having a leash on her to pull her in the direction I want her to go. Let her go down her own path to find herself and focus on me.
Anthony. Hang in there my friend. The feelings cycle is normal. Don't worry too much about the checking account thing. My wife had a business account already otherwise she might have opened her own account when she was pushing for D. WAS are notoriously lazy about actual separation and D. But opening a bank account takes very little effort. So don't read too much into it.
Good job on the reading and 180s . You're doing great, just hang in there and GAL as much as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She was very upset with me today. She has been researching spousal support and child support. She has realized that she won’t get what all her friends have promised her. She drank some more last night while I was out. This morning she was asking why she has to be the one to move out etc. I just never responded. Not letting her trap me into an argument.
