Yes I am thinking this through I am always think of them. I don't mind taking the kids for the days she is gone but don't take them away from me fro 5 straight days. I have a hard enough time with the 3 days in a row I don't see them now. I have asked the kids about this and they seem to like the schedule the way it is. My kids are 7&9 I work odd hours I leave at 4 am I have a very hard time getting them to school or camp because of this. I have to pay someone now and its very expensive. That's why I took M,W,F because getting them around two days a week is easier for me.
I agree with other. See a lawyer ASAP. Her not so veiled threat of taking the children speaks to something, time will tell what it is. However, you need to get some legal counsel and address any possible problems that may come up.
I do urge you to consider your stand on custody. Again speaking with your attorney may be illuminating as to what is considered reasonable in your area.
It does sound like W is still for 50/50, and that is a good thing. Personally I believe fewer and longer is better than switching daily, even all the way to week on and week off, a 7/7 schedule.
As I say pretty strongly around here - Feelings are fleeting.
Let your feelings regarding custody flit away. Consider W’s proposal, and other ones as well, keeping emotions out of it. Just looking at the tangible and actual pros and cons of each. Because no matter what schedule you get, eventually it will become habit and feelings will not be involved, and all you will have is the actual pros and cons - without any emotional skew.
Feel free to leverage the power of this board. Seeing the opinions on things is a great strength of a group platform like this. If you like, share your reasoning for the different schedules and get feedback. You always have the final decision, and all I would like for you is to ensure you have as much information and insight as you can have. This decision is that important.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This isn't about rendezvous with the O/M they happen already. She lives with er EX husband and their daughter who is 18. Getting the kids to school and being watched isn't a problem for her. I am alone and work M-F from 4:30 Am until 2 sometimes as late as 4 PM. I am paying for after school care and for a college student to take the kids to school on Tues and Thurs. The kids are alone from 4 am until 7 am on those days already, they are asleep but alone. This breaks my heart already and there isn't anything I can do about it. How am I expected to make this work full time? Childcare for all of this already runs me around $450 a month. I had their old nanny move in a few days ago as she needed a place and it would help but she is only here until August. Now me and the kids sleep in the same bed and share a room. On top of all that I would miss my kids not seeing them for 5 days. I realize this is what divorce is. That doesn't mean I have to like it or make it easy for her to do. I am standing for my marriage, I know it's going to be tough and harder as this goes along but to use the kids as bargaining chips was something I never imagined would happen from her. This is a new low!
Yes children are blameless victims that have to put up with the fallout of D. They have no say in it and definitely didn't cause it.
I hope the nanny situation will give you the time you need to find another solution. Plus between now and August a lot can happen/change.
I think that you will find that both you and the kids will adapt to whatever situation. It may be a pain and definitely not ideal, but ye will adapt and make the most of it.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
If my kids ask about the divorce should I tell them dad doesn't want a divorce that this is moms doing ? Something along those lines? I don't feel this is appropriate but I am not an expert in MLC. Should I tell them about my stand ? They are 7&9 and I don't want them in the middle but I don't want to lie to them.
I just kinda popped in and seen your question, I am new to your sitch but far from new to this mess.
If you do listen to anything, listen to this board, its a collection of been there done or doing that and it helped me personally far more than I can ever express.
Be careful with the kids, mine was about 5 at the time of BD and I was given about the best advice I can imagine looking back. Your 2 kids know, they know something is not right ... they also know they are 50% you ... and 50% her. No matter how batsh!t crazy she is you can not point out how bad/crazy she is because those kids are 50% her and will think .... well if she is a bad/crazy nut job then I must be too. Even when my son asked why ... I just told him, your mother and I are working on some things ... thats it ... take them out and make some memories because they already have a few that none of us would want them to have right>?
I am a solid .. what ... 5 1/2 out of BD, lived that nightmare for far to long, I am most proud of never speaking ill of her to my son. Your kids need you to be the rock, the parent they can run ot while she is off in the tunnel trying to figure out what move will get the most attention next ..... be the parent you have to be, do not at this point give them any information that is not appropriate ... and at 7-9 thats most of it ... buy ice cream, give em wet willies .. rememeber they only get one mom and maybe one day she can figure her stuff out and be that mom ... do not take that away from them.
Just my 25 cents.
Last edited by job; 03/29/1904:48 PM. Reason: edited a word
CaliGuy has given you some good solid advice. No matter what, the kids are 50% from her, and they will know that, and wonder. She is their one and only mother, don’t ever work them against her.
Everyone’s situation is a little different, and still somehow similar. My W’s BD was in front of everyone, so the kids knew and were exposed to all the crazy.
As best you can do not speak bad of her. This does a few things. First you will not demonize her in the eyes of your children. She will cause more than enough damage all on her own, which is bad enough, don’t add to it. Your real job regarding the relationship between Mom and kids is not to fix it, it is to not destroy it.
Second, speaking badly of W will eat away at you, and eventually that will alter your outlook.
Thirdly, you are the strong and stable parent. Their rock in this storm. Your kids need you; be the best Dad you can be. No need to focus on all the bad, focus on all the good. Make memories, take trips, go to the zoo, listen to your kids, talk to them, hug her when her heart gets broken with her first boyfriend (that is a little ways off ), be the Dad your son calls first when he is stuck in the ditch.
That is the general idea.
Originally Posted by Father5
If my kids ask about the divorce should I tell them dad doesn't want a divorce that this is moms doing ? Something along those lines?
If your kids...hold on I might as well be accurate.
When your kids ask about the divorce, be honest and age appropriate. They will have questions and you wil provide answers and understanding for them. Compassionate, truthful, explainations will help them and you so very much.
As for what to say - “Dad doesn’t want a divorce that this is Mom’s doing”, may be true and accurate, but don’t start there. What your kids want and need to hear is that you love them.
So something like, I love you two with all my heart, and I still love Mom, and I am sure you both love Mom. Mom and I are having some troubles and they have nothing to do with either of you. We both love you.
If they persist and want further answers then yes tell them you are not wanting to divorce Mom. It may get to this point, it may not. From my experience with my nephew and niece (who are closer to your kids’ ages) that is all they needed to hear, just what was really going on. Once they figured it out, it was “oh okay”. Kids accept things pretty quickly if it’s open and honest.
Originally Posted by Father5
I don't feel this is appropriate but I am not an expert in MLC.
It’s ok, none of us are experts in MLC. However, talking to your kids doesn’t have anything to do with MLC. I know there are going to be some discussions that will take place only because of MLC. Make the distinction in your mind. You are talking to your kids and helping them, it could be about homework, Christmas gifts, buying movie snacks, or Mom’s behaviour (or your’s). Talking, loving, and being with your kids has nothing to do with MLC. It is because you are an awesome Dad.
Originally Posted by Father5
Should I tell them about my stand ?
As in most things in life - it depends. I think your children are a bit young to get the idea of standing for someone. Just stick with I love your Mom. Your stand will show by your actions, don’t worry they will see. Eventually they will understand.
Originally Posted by Father5
They are 7&9 and I don't want them in the middle but I don't want to lie to them.
Yes, don’t lie to them. That includes omissions. You will have to omit certain facts and items, I get that, just let them know. Something along the lines of “You are too young to discuss that. I will talk about it when you are older”. You are omitting something for a reason, you can state the reason and not the item. You are being truthful, protective, and open - about the best you can shoot for.
Unfortunately the kids do end up in the middle of all this. Custody, split living arrangements, etc...
I recently had an unexpected opportunity to have supper with a friend and his two daughters. His W went crazy, took the kids, and left him in a campground 2000 miles from home. He went to dump the trailer septic tanks and came back thinking they were just walking around. Hours later she finally answered his frantic texts and told him. When he got home, the locks were changed, she had a restraining order against him, and the police were looking for him. It has taken almost a year to sort out her lies with the courts and get some custody of his daughters. Him and I have spoke a lot over the last year.
Anyhow, the girls are really doing good. They are happy, joyful little girls. When I showed up at the restaurant, I squished myself in beside the two girls and left Dad on “his” side of the booth. They squealed and laughed. After a minute I sat on the proper side. They coloured, ate their pizza, and chatted. They brought up thier Mom talking about how she cooks different than Dad.
Then, these little people amazed me. The older one, the more talkative of the two, and I were talking and she stated - “I have two homes”. I was a little stunned but managed to keep conversing, asking her about her bedrooms. With all normalcy she told me her and her sister have separated bedrooms at Mom’s and share a room at Dad’s.
To me, this friend, probably you, and most adults we see it as “his” house and “her” house. Kids live at “his” house for x amount of time then go to “her” house for x amount of time.
To children, those are “their” homes. “I have two homes.” No ownership details fogging things up, kids are egocentric, in the best way. They just accept things as they are, so finding stability is a great thing for them.
So yes they are in the middle. Not a bad place to be. It is where they will place themselves anyhow, and will have a childlike view of things, which might just surprise you.
Not in the middle, on the side, forgotten, ignored - my kids have loads of experience with that from their Mom. Any situation will work out, just be that stable parent. Be the best you will be.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My wife sent me some videos of my son and a new toy he received this morning. He asked her to send the videos to me. But this MLC drives me crazy as I understand there is no rational. I am like my son is asking you to send me videos of him. Don't you see what you are doing to this family !
This came after we haven't talked in weeks after she wouldn't sign papers about the house I wanted to buy. she was pushing divorce now she hasn't brought it up.
My older three step kids are in town from spring break this week. I will meet up with them on Saturday as they have reached out to me. I am excited about that. I do hope in some way they are providing some kind of truth dart for my wife. Hopefully she can see this is really breaking apart the family.
), be the Dad your son calls first when he is stuck in the ditch.