The stages are not linear and it takes a long time to get through replay. While in replay, they will enter a deep, dark depression and withdraw from everything that they use to do, friends, family, home, pets, etc. You are the first that he will withdraw from and if he wakes up, you will be the last person that he will reconnect with. What you have described about his character is very typical of the MLCer. As to how quickly they work through their issues and come back to earth, that will depend upon him.
I will provide a link to a thread that I created many years ago on reconnection. It might help you better understand some of what takes place once they begin reconnection. You will have many touch and gos for a while before the actual reconnection begins.
Last edited by job; 04/11/1909:12 PM. Reason: added links to other threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, I am now almost 2 yrs since BD and my life has moved forward in leaps and bounds. I no longer seek the contact I once wished for and craved, I have bought my own home, am returning to my studies and have slowly but surely moved on with my life. I have backed off completely from him and have detached and let him go.
My query tonight is whether or not anyone has considered their MLC spouse to be a narcissist - this is something I wonder about as the behaviour of of my ex husband mirrors both as narcissistic and MLC. Thoughts anyone??
All MLCers exhibit some form of personality disorder while in crisis and yes, they can be a narcissist because it is all about them and they sing the song "me, me, me" all of the time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My query tonight is whether or not anyone has considered their MLC spouse to be a narcissist - this is something I wonder about as the behaviour of of my ex husband mirrors both as narcissistic and MLC. Thoughts anyone??
I will also say my wife, who really had no signs or behaviours of narcissism (and was in fact very empathetic) became more and more self absorbed and after BD and for most of past two years has been completely self absorbed. A common reaction when we are in great pain or turmoil internally is to "pull in" and become self absorbed, it is a survival mechanism in a way.
As others says they are narcissists that have MLC, and then there are MLCers who become narcissists. So maybe try to go back a few years before BD and see what he was like before the crises really hit. That may give you more insight.
And congrats on being in a good place and living your life. That is indeed a great accomplishment.
My query tonight is whether or not anyone has considered their MLC spouse to be a narcissist
Yes. Although it took me some time after our separation and the wisdom of a friend to really see it, my ex had always been a narcissist - MLC just made him worse.
I was always very accommodating, as I'm a flexible, easy-going type who goes with the flow. I thought that's what you do in a marriage, but in retrospect it was mostly me doing the bending. My ex is an insecure narcissist - as long as you make him look good, it's great, but if you don't live up to the image he wants to project, you're not valued. God forbid you have an illness and can't just "buck up" out of it. (One of my sons has recently been diagnosed with joint hypermobility syndrome which is causing him a lot of joint pain, but he's afraid to even discuss it with his father because his father's voice rings in his head "get over it, you're not really sick".)
His narcissism has become increasingly obvious since our divorce in the way he has treated our children. Meanwhile, even though my dating history since divorce has been - well - a bit erratic, EVERY man I dated since my ex made me feel more valued and accepted for who I am than he did.
And while anyone in MLC can look like a narcissist at the time, I do think narcissists are more prone to MLC - because if you're so concerned about how others see you and the image that you project, and you start freaking out about aging, what better way to project the illusion that you are still young and virile than to date a much younger woman? (19 years younger in my ex's case).
kml - it sounds like u are describing my ex and the way I thought a marriage should be.....so scary when I think about my ex husband and what he was like in our marriage. He was exactly the same as yours when it came to illness and because I tend to be empathic, I became so caught up in him, I lost myself. My ex is now involved with a girl 28 yrs younger than him and I no longer have any contact ( no children makes this easier). It's taken me a while to accept that who he was isn't who he is and as I am sure you will agree,its been a hard and sometimes lonely road but I have learnt so much about myself and who I am that in some ways I am grateful. Thanks for sharing your insights with me.....
