Here is my story and my first post. Please bear with me it is long! I am 40 - H is 43. Married 15Y. Two kids 10, 5.
He has always been very HD. I never was at his level but was higher before kids. Despite that, I felt I wanted to please him. We probably had sex about 2x a week sometimes more - sometimes less. He constantly felt that it was not enough and it was a real source of resentment that would occasionally raise its head. He rarely brought it up - I would just get the cold shoulder. I would initiate it and things would be better for a few days. It was like he got all pouty and I just new that was what it was about. He has not initiated it for quite some time. He also does not put a lot of effort into it from his side. I would initiate things to keep us happy and to try to connect. Many times I didn't want it but once we got going I got into it. I'm sure he may have sensed I was not always wanting it but I was trying right?
Things have been getting progressively worse since January. He told me his New Years resolution was that he was never going to ask for sex again. He was tired of begging, he has done it for years and he is done. I don't understand this since I felt like I was the one who initiated things because he did not. Maybe his way of initiating things and my way of interpreting it just did not jive. Since then, I just kept going along as I had in the past; I was the one to initiate it but it was not great. He started to have problems getting aroused when he never had problems before.
Three weeks ago I read the SSM. I looked at him in a whole new light. I completely changed my feelings almost overnight. I fell in love with him again. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I just wanted to be with him. The sex was just as frequent but now I was really wanting it and enjoying it. I was wanting it more and thought about it all the time - it was like we switched roles.
We did not spend much time together. You know the old living in the same house but with separate lives. My 180 was to spend time with him whenever I could. Watch TV together, tried to call him more often, let the housework wait. Changed my attitude and tried to make him feel like he was more important than anything. I thought this would be different for him since I felt like we spent so much time apart and we rarely connected. I started stopping to hug him, touched him as I passed by, held his hand and initiated sex every night. I really opened my eyes to see how he would react.
What I found was he did not withdraw but he was VERY standoffish. I think even more standoffish than when I started this 180 but maybe I just wasn't noticing it before. He didn't pull away but he didn't really respond either. I would initiate sex and he did not seem to be into it at all. When I asked him about it he said it was "my choice" if I wanted to make love to him. He did not participate - almost did not touch me at all and would only kiss me if I kissed him first. He says he does not want sex anymore - he is tired of asking and begging and he is just not interested. I asked if he was not interested in sex with me or not interested in sex. He said he is "just not interested".
On the other hand, he does not stop me and his body does respond most times - though not as quickly as it used to. When I ask if I should continue he says it is "my choice" . If I ask if he is enjoying what I am doing he shrugs his shoulders. I really do want to continue but not if it is one sided! But if I stop then he will take it that I am not interested in sex - just as he has said all along. I asked him if he masturbates while he is alone and he emphatically said yes so if he does that how can he not be interested in sex?
So here is my quandary? I thought I was doing a 180 but it is having the opposite results of what I expected. If I do a 180 from my 180 he will really think I want no contact and I think the resentment will grow even worse. I think we will grow farther and farther apart. Should I keep doing what I am doing -;maybe the 180 has not had time to take affect yet. Should I try something else - but what? Out of bed during our daily interactions he is not being mean but seems almost a fake friendly - like he is talking to a neighbor or something. He makes absolutely no attempt at physical contact unless I touch him first - even then it is very guarded. I don't know if I am just perceiving that his coldness towards me is worse in the last 3 weeks because I am being more aware or if the 180 is actually causing it. I really want to do something. Any suggestions would be appreciated!!
Can you say "Power Play?" That's what he's doing to you. He's still probably really angry and really hurt from everything that has gone before. And he's going to have to get over it. Tell him so. In a loving way, of course.
Have you told him about SSM, reading it, what it has meant to you, how you're eyes have opened, etc? If not, have a heart to heart. If he shrugs, and says, that's nice, it's because he's probably afraid to hope. Ask him to read it, too.
Keep on doing what you are doing. Be genuine. Be sincere. His cold shoulder is probably a defense mechanism. If he continues on this path for a few more months, I'd seek counseling.
The changes you have experienced will take time to take effect (is this when you use the e effect or the a affect?) You can't control him, you can't control his responses, but you can control your actions and your responses. Keep at it. Sometimes all it takes is one person dedicated to making a difference. Be patient. And keep on keepin' on.
Corri Thanks so much for responding. I have not told him about SSM yet - he is very skeptical (sp?) of that type of thing. I would be on my own for counseling but maybe I need it. That is why I was so impressed with SSM and DB - something I could do on my own. I do have a call scheduled with a DB coach next Wednesday. I will let you know. Dreamit
I am so impressed with your attitude and turnaround. I can not believe your husband’s persistant stubborness. I melt just if my wife gives me one tender kiss. It is likely he is still really angry and hurt, like Corri says (she’s good, listen to her ideas), although if it were me I wouldn’t be able to keep up that resentment defense/revenge for more than a day. If my wife were to come after me the way you are going after your wife I would be the happiest guy on the planet.
I tried to gently and lovingly tried to get my LD wife to read SSM but she almost left me just over the mere suggestion--I dropped it after that. You should leave the book around where he might be able to read it without being pressured, don’t force it on him if he really resists, he won’t be able to get anything from it. There is likely some pride involved here and a loss of trust. Now you have to put back 200% for the time that he struggled along in loneliness and pain. I’m not blaming here, I’m just explaining how it might be for him from a guy’s perspective. Everyone expects us to be tough and a rock wall withstanding the pounding of problems and frustrations but we really do have sensitive spots that get damaged and take a while (and lots of “medicine”--wink,wink) to heal. When you are aching for him to respond, to reach out to you with loving passion, to indulge in the desires of your heart, instead of being angry that you are finally giving him what he always wanted and now he doesn’t seem to care, rather remember that is a fraction of the frustration that he felt when you were running away from his approaches. He may just need some time.
I agree with Corri that absolutely you should keep initiating and enjoying sex. I know it is hard to get into it when your spouse seems to be just fulfilling the obligation but is not appreciative and enjoying it for the spiritual communion that sex is. You rediscovering your sexuality is amazing, a miracle really. Revel in your new sexiness and I can’t see how he wouldn’t come around.
Counselling would be a good idea, especially if a couple months go by of 200% giving on your part without much progress. I think you are doing the right thing, just keep your chin up and keep going after him.
I am very impressed with you. I wish my wife would step up to the plate and participate in our marriage like you did in yours. You just have to be patient. Your husband is probably pretty suspicious of this big change in you. He is probably wondering if it is for real, how long it will last, or if you are just doing it to pacify him and you don't really want to. I know these things and more run around in my head from time to time. Make no mistake, witholding sex and physical intimacy is just as much a betrayal as infidelity. It will probably take him a while to get used to the idea of the new you. Just keep up the good work and keep the communication lines open. Good luck to you!
It is sort of off and on--which is one of the reasons I am so suspicious of the progress. She started taking Lexipro and it has helped her emotional wildness out a whole lot. I know that these sorts of drugs can influence sex drive but it is not like I would notice. She also read part of SSM but I don't think she has really taken it to heart. I asked her to read the part about the HD partner but she has yet to do so. I have to admit though....I am beginning to feel like the damage has been done. It has been so hard for so long and there has been so much pain that I don't know if I will be able to come back...even if she becomes the perfect wife tomorrow. Confusion and pain....still my two constant companions.
Thanks for your words of wisdom. It is really great to hear a HD male perspective. I think you can help me so much. I will do my best to help you too. As far as holding out on the stubbornness - he is still at it. But he is also under the absolute most stress at work between now and the end of Sept. It is his busiest time of the year. Because of what is going on I have been questioning if it is the relationship thing or just his normal stress for this time of year. I'm still at it - giving my support wherever I can. Staying upbeat even when he is taking his bad day out on me. Two nights ago I gave him a "strictly platonic" massage. Last night I offered again but he turned me dowm. Of course my current insecure self is saying it is because I didn't take it further the night before. I am really confused as to if I should push the sex thing. From my perspective I would have been hurt if he pushed it on me when I was not into it (that was my old self). I think tonight I will try again. Thanks for listening guys and best of luck to you too.
One thing is certain from all of our interactions on this site, it is much easier to help others than to help yourself. I can’t think of any advice to give myself!
You, like Corri and a few others, are a rare creature, a woman that has come back from the land of the (sex) dead. You were once lost but now have found your passion again. That makes you a celebrity to us horny guys around here! You have defected and we are all dying to find the secrets to unlocking that passionate woman, however small she may have become, that is hidden away within our low lib wives. You likely have some clues.
Regarding your husband’s strange behaviour, I’d say the stress is definitely getting to him, although in my case stress actually makes me need sex even more. I know for most men stress beats up their libido, not like it does with women though. Given enough visual/physical stimuli we usually respond whether we want to or not.
Have you resorted to basic techniques of dressing up in revealing clothes and aphrodisiac dinners? check out:
Aphrodisiacs: A Guide To What Really Works Author: Choueke, Esmond Reissue; Paperback 125 pages Published: November 1998 Kensington Publishing Corporation ISBN: 0806519975
Most guys really are much simpler than women. The set of conditions necessary for us to “perk up” are countable on one hand, versus the complex equation that would stump Einstein that is required to connect the points of the universe for most women. Don’t slap me here, I’m just speaking from my experience.
I’d say keep trying to be sexy and don’t turn him down unless you really really can’t go through with it. If you must say no, then do it very gently, immediately offering either a “quick fix--BJ, HJ... to help him in that moment or something special tomorrow night. Also do whatever you can to lower his work stress. I don’t know your husband so I can’t say exactly what that would be but for me it would be: supportive attitude, not naggy, don’t attack him with household problems or chores as soon as he walks through the door, nice romantic dinners now and then, cheerful and playful attitude.
Anyway, know that you are amazing to have arisen from the ashes of your old antisex self.
this is my first post but I have to address the concept that stress makes most men lose their libido. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband has an extremely high stress job that keeps him working approx 100 hrs per week minimum. He goes without sleep many nights and has the gift of falling asleep anywhere for a few minutes, which keeps him going. He's extremely successful and finds his identity through his career, which he didn't have when we got married, and I had no clue he would go in this direction. We've been married 14 yrs, have 3 kids, all boys, ages 8 and 5 yr old twins (that was fun) thru caesarean section, which means I have a scar. I had breast cancer and a complete hysterectomy after the twins were born. Lumpectomy, but now I have a funny left breast. Supposedly I'm cured, but have to take pills to keep it from coming back. I am athletic & take care of my appearance. My husband has not responded to any of my attempts to have sex. He is not affectionate but doesn't get upset if I kiss him on the cheek. I have tried almost everything, but not everything, because my sense of dignity has been pricked.
The last time we actually had sex was when I was pregnant with the twins. We were having a good time when he 'confessed' that he had hired hookers to perform for him in his hotel room when he was at a conference in another city. I was completely flabbergasted. At first I didn't even believe him becuase I thought he was just kidding, but he earnestly convinced me that no, he was not kidding, he did not touch them, they performed for him, and he was telling me this because he wanted to be totally honest with me and intimate. I got mad, pushed him off, more to consider things than anything else, I mean I couldn't really just keep playing as if nothing had happened. So he got mad, and declared that he can't tell me anything, he would never tell me anything again. I guess he meant it because he doesn't talk to me much. When he's home, he's on the internet playing scrabble or some other meaningless game. He doesn't interact w the kids much, although sometimes he takes them to a movie or toy store or we go on a hike with the family.
I'm also an artist and he tries to encourage that, by buying me a computer and telling me I need to paint, etc. But he tries to sabotage me too, because when I have an art show I can count on a huge fight the night before.
He had a very abusive father and although he would never hit me physically, he is abusing me mentally. I don't think it's a dramatic statement because I believe it's true.
So here I am trying to prevent a divorce. He has left me high and dry, but is continuing to support me. He tells me he doesn't know how he feels about me. No love, no hate. Sometimes he tells me he loves me but passionless. I have tried to distance myself and tried to make a life as a single woman but am very very afraid of divorce. I'm afraid that if I divorce, I'll get sick & there would be no one to take care of me. I'm very dependent on my level of security, but want to be braver.
Truly, truly, I don't see how all this can help, but I'm giving it a shot. Maybe some new ideas. I don't care to manipulate him, and I don't know what to do. I know he's dependent on me. I know he can live without me but he would be damned unhappy. I'm wife #3 and I know exactly why #1 and #2 left. I think I've said about enough. Blah, blah, blah.
I don't understand this since I felt like I was the one who initiated things because he did not. Maybe his way of initiating things and my way of interpreting it just did not jive. Since then, I just kept going along as I had in the past; I was the one to initiate it but it was not great. He started to have problems getting aroused when he never had problems before.