Honestly, wonderful with our husband and he was wonderful helping with my parents. It's like something snapped. You'll think I'm crazy, but I know him well enough to feel nothing fully happened...I just don't want something to happen. We've only been to counseling 3 times and I'm told it gets better and the beginning sessions are the hardest. I'm done with excuses and he knows it and I'm working on me.
Honestly, wonderful with our husband and he was wonderful helping with my parents. It's like something snapped. You'll think I'm crazy, but I know him well enough to feel nothing fully happened...I just don't want something to happen. We've only been to counseling 3 times and I'm told it gets better and the beginning sessions are the hardest. I'm done with excuses and he knows it and I'm working on me.
He is traveling for work so I'm getting quiet time, but do have our son.
Honestly, he is wonderful to our son. I can't complain. He was wonderful to my parents too. It's like something just snapped in him.
Call me crazy, but I know him well...I'm pretty sure nothing more happened than the texts. My concern is if it continues, what can happen and he should be talking to me, not her. He knows my feelings. Now it's my turn to focus on me.
LisaAnn, this very well could be a MLC. However - it does not matter if it is or is not. My W also seemed to change over night.
Do not initiate a discussion on your Relationship. Do not tell you husband what he is doing to you is wrong or hurtful. He is not thinking like the man you "know". You have to pretend the husband you love so much is on a temporary vacation, and you need to treat this new man in a way that is different. That's what R2C meant when they said what you will need to do is counter-intuitive.
Take a giant step back, and when in doubt - say less. Less is more.
Take a deep breath because this may get worse before it gets better. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I want you to feel strong and prepared. Remind yourself that you can do anything you set your mind to and that you are in charge of your own life. Stand strong as you find out what is next for you.
I am sorry that you are going through this but I do commend you for going to counseling for yourself and getting the DR book, I think you are showing that you can take charge. And that you were taking charge through a really difficult time I know what it’s like to be kicked when you were lying down. My husband told me he wanted a divorce when I was depressed over my son having to go away to boarding school after he had a suicide attempt. He never told me he was unhappy and kept it in so it was a real shock to me.
I really did not want to go to therapy but it’s been six months now since the DB and Since I started therapy and it has helped a lot I can see how far I have come, I didn’t think I would ever feel better and I still have a long way to go but it definitely helps. It sounds like you have been through a lot with moving in fertility treatments death of loved ones that is a heck of a lot so I know it sounds cliché but be kind to yourself and try to be as patient with yourself to heal as you can some days will be better than others but you will slowly be moving forward and one day you will look back and see how far you’ve come.
My husband agreed to go to marriage counseling with me but I think he did it out of guilt or to pretend like he wanted to work things out I just found out that he got an appointment to lease an apartment and had been pretending four months and never let me in on his plan. But that being said the marriage counseling sessions that we went to I think they were about six of them Were helpful to me and saying that a lot of this stuff that we were dealing with had a lot more to do with his issues than mine which was really validating and empowering. I think if you can try to get out with your girlfriends go see movies take walks hot baths listen to good music and just be good to yourself through this time you will get a lot of good advice on this board and there are a lot of people who know exactly what you’re going through so you won’t feel so alone.
If i could go back in time, the one thing i wish i did was gather intel early. Meaning private eye. It would have saved me tons of time doing BS. Projecting, Walking on egg shells, trying to change. . Being a light house. It would have saved me money too in the long run.
Thats because my boundary is cheating and withdrawing 700 a week from family funds for years. You think you know these people but you dont. We end up projecting our own feelings and morals on them and taking advice from others that project their own feelings and morals on them instead of getting factual information.
Your husband is treating you badly. He is being inappropriate with your friend. He is gaslighting you. That is enough. That is a lot of info. But i get it. Its hard to accept. And it can be a lengthy process to accept it.
Its not a shock that this happened after trauma. I was pregnant and diagnosed with cancer prior to BD. These spouses are the type that do this when the going gets tough. I think they are inherently selfish and it takes trauma to know who soneone is at the core. Its easy to be good and nice and loyal when everything is sunshine and rainbows. But the true colors reveal themselves when it rains.
Get your info so you know what you are dealing with. Dont speculate or guess. I doubt you need to change. He is gaslighting.
Thanks Steve85. Yes, my goal is to get to the bottom of the deleted texts. I'm trying my best to get me back. I can honestly say this is not easy, I feel as though I have hit rock bottom.
Without reading ahead, my opinion is that they dont matter. You know that it was inappropriate and over the line of a typical friendship. So what difference does it make "how far" over the line they went?
Can you find a way to put that energy towards something positive for you instead?
We've only been to counseling 3 times and I'm told it gets better and the beginning sessions are the hardest. I'm done with excuses and he knows it and I'm working on me.
Frankly, counseling is for two people who are invested in a marriage and just dont know how to make it work. If he wants out, no counselor is going to be able to change his mind. He will complain that they are "siding with you" or "dont understand him" or something to that effect.
More impactful is for you to start to change yourself and to grow into a woman only a fool would leave.
My concern is if it continues, what can happen and he should be talking to me, not her. He knows my feelings. Now it's my turn to focus on me.
Of course he SHOULD be. Thats how healthy marriages work. Thats why we say that what he is doing is an Emotional Affair (EA). It is seeking comfort and compassion outside the marital relationship. And it can be just as damning to a relationship as if he actually slept with her.
No amount of telling him what he SHOULD do is going to change his actions. Thats why we are saying to focus back on you and to take stock of yourself and who you want to be.
LisaAnn, notice how all of our advice has a theme: focus on YOU. As LBSs we laser focus on our WAS. This is never a recipe for success.
I have a thread on this forum somewhere, (I'll find it and link it for you) that talks about the only real way to save your marriage is to not try to save your marriage. LBSs come to this forum looking for two things; Fixing their WAS. Fixing their marriage. Neither of those things are in your control.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
