Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can #

[marina7]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2815065&page=11

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821552&page=1

https://www.gofundme.com/lawyers-fee-and-custody

[marina7]

Well New Year and New thread, #3

But nothing has changed when it comes to lawyers
And GAL,

I just received an email, court day the 9th
And GAL and my lawyer said they need some
Type of payment.

I did sent lawyers email
I did said I don't have right now, and ask when is
W going pay child support I don't need but I sure could use that
Money to pay lawyers.

My lawyer replied she understands my frustration
But our goal is to bring s10 home I agree

So while W buys new car, I am here

I am looking at the positive compared to last year
I got s10 but I also ask myself at what cost.

[marina7]

Journaling,

Nothing much on this front,

So yesterday around 9pm my phone rings
W was like having anxiety speaking fast

I calmly said W am here calm down
What's going on.

W, s10 and s9 are being mean.
Yes W used those words

W then said I can't do this no more them not
Listening, I listened to W I said ok W
Am here would you like me to pick them up

W I don't know can you talk to them, Yes W
Put me on speakerphone

I proceeded to speak with boy's I ask them what's going on.

Boy's didn't want to go to bed they are not tired

I proceeded to speak with them.

I again spoke with W and said I am here I'll
Pick them up. Is ok to feel overwhelmed.

W said ok thank you
W proceed to text, boys finally calming down
I said ok. I ask W do you want me to pick them up

W said yes Friday afternoon, I simply replied OK
See ya Friday. W did emoji smiley face.

I of course didn't sleep I was a wreck
But I can see W is cracking. But am also so
grateful W felt comfortable enough to call me.

That was a new thing. W replied thank you for backing me up

I replied just because we are divorce doesn't mean I won't
Back you up. Regardless the trio's must respect you.

W text on and off till midnight. I wonder is W finally feeling
Something. Or is it because court is soon.

Is like walking on eggshells with W.

Hoping for the best.

[peacetoday]

keep expectations low at 0
they will have touch and gos
the crises will last 2-7 years
with 2 being rare

I sense she is scared to lose you especially because she sees you changing and growing stronger and more confident
and she knows you let her go and you can easily move on at any point

so stick with your agenda-
keep moving forward
let her crack...maybe she will give up the kids and allow you to have full custody of all 3

support her when appropriate and let go
let her initiate

[kate11]

Hoping for the best for you as well.

[marina7]

Oh boy....

Wow simply wow

So trio's are super sick
Before giving to W I took to Dr.
All sick amd strep. Gave them antibiotics
W didn't once give kids medicine wow

Then W slept majority of the time just sleeps
And expect Trios to sleep 2 or 3 hrs nap then go to
Bed. We are talking about 3 little people that are
Going to speak up.

D10 highly upsets and frustrated with Everything I just
Listen. D10 exploded.

Thank God tomorrow is therapy session.

D10 said s9 was punished for 4 hours in bed
Even when both boys where acting up W only punished
S9, d10 so mad

S10 was crying , he also didn't understand why W didn't punish him

S10 knew he was in trouble too. Wow

It gets better, am being sarcasm
W, and OW went to eat with Trio's

D10 says you know when Mom gets hungry she eats
Everything I smiled and said yes I know Mom.

Well W was eating alot I guess and OW looks at W
And says "you need to stop eating like a pig your getting
Fat"

Omg in 10yrs I never spoke to W this way never
Of course Trios said they started speaking English and Spanish

And OW said in English
Am not f$&king kidding you getting fat

Omg why do I feel bad for W.

Why would W allow OW to speak to her like that.

I know I can't save W but dam....

Wow..
I am not sure what stage she in but kids say
all she does is Sleep.

I would take any feed back from anyone as everyone knows
I take all advice and 2x4

[DnJ]

Hello marina

Oh boy, yikes. MLCers make poor parents.

You are doing really good with your kids. Keep listening, validating, and hugging them.

I’ve seen you are just listening. You should talk with them also. You do not push your agenda onto them or use them against W - and I know you wouldn’t. You just need to follow their lead.

If kids are saying W is acting like a little girl, you should explore that with them. They are looking for understanding and answers, just like all of us. They need to know why, as a ten year old, so they know they are not at fault.

Use open ended questions, responses, or statements.

Kids: Mom was acting like a little girl.

You: I’ve noticed that sometimes also. Does she do that a lot? Why do you feel she behaving that way? Do you know why she is acting like that? Something like that should get things going.

Just lead the conversation a bit, they will take it where it needs to go. You can and should steer it a bit. You can explain things, you are the parent. Start small and let them digest for a bit. More questions will come from that as well.

- - - -

My nephew and niece were 9 & 11 when W dropped the bomb, which was 6 weeks after W, me, sister, BIL, and all the kids spent two weeks vacationing together in beachfront cabin. We were all heartbroken.

The explaination for her moving out, leaving her children, leaving her nephew and niece (9 & 11 year old): What happened to Aunty is difficult to explain, even to adults. You know how you get sick and feel really terrible and you are not yourself, well Aunty’s brain is sick. <Will she get better?> Well this sickness is different than a cold or flu, it takes a long time to get well, sometimes they never get better. <Oh> You could think of it like a broken bone, like when you broke your arm. Except it is her brain, her mind that is broken. <Why?> This just happens sometimes. It is really sad. <Will we ever see her again?> I honestly don’t know. I hope so.

That was the gist of it. You may notice I skirted around the question of why. A direct simple factual statement was sufficient. If they had questioned further I would have explained a bit, as it was I didn’t have to. My sister also gave a similar talk, and we expect further deeper questions as they get older.

- - - -

marina, you know you situation best, take whatever is useful and leave the rest.

DnJ

[DnJ]

marina - OW sounds like a real piece of work. It is ok to feel bad for W.

W is letting her speak to her that way because she is desperate, lonely, unhappy, undeserving, guilty, ashamed, etc... One or more or all, in short she is mixed up.

You are right, you can’t save her. She doesn’t want to be saved right now. Besides she needs to save herself.

How can you help? Be that beacon. Raise your kids well. Keep moving forward.

I would like to add something from an earlier discussion. It was about how W was starting to feel the weight of being a parent.

It is possible that W might just offer you all the parental responsiblies. She may just want some visiting access, not custody. If that discussion, arrangement, offer is ever made - take it.

DnJ

[marina7]

DnJ,

To answer your question,

Yes if W voluntarily says take trio's

Can I see them when I want I will not object

I infact been doing that. Like example
W was suppose to keep them till Sunday evening
Because I had them all Christmas break. When W
Call that night extremely upset W said please come
Get them Friday. Without hesitation I said Ok W what time

W ask over and over is that ok are you sure. I said Yes W am sure

Am here for the Trios.

So for my Trios I will be there even if I have plans because right
Now they are so young.

Is very concerning that Trios are given antibiotics and W can't not
Even do that.

As there mom I did contact there GAL, they had strep throat
They needed this medication. I must be there for my kids

I know W might be mad but is about the trio's.


D10 was so sick I broke night making sure d10 was ok.

Stuff nose, coughing and fever. D10 out of the three look the worst
This morning d10 looks way better, very rested and playing as usual
D10 hugs me and say Thank you mommy for taking care of me and brothers
I said of course d10 is mommy job.

Oh boy am so tired. I am on my 2nd cup of coffee
But trios look and feel better.

What a day can do. Wow

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

[Kyh]

Hi Marina,

Glad to read the trio is feeling better. I think it’s really good you feel bad for your w. It’s a nice step forward to take to have understanding and compassion. As far as her forgetting the kids medicine, put it down as part of no expectations and an expectation. My ex has got better, but with things like this were an issue I would plan for them which could be tricky not to provoke a monster. Maybe you could send a pill box with them when they go back to help her out. Maybe say you got it to help you remember. I would do things like this w ex so she didn’t take it as me accusing her of being irresponsible. I feel bad for her too, I’m sure she’s not having them miss their meds on purpose.

I will be thinking of you and the trios next week.