H and I are doing our best to keep the communication lines open but I have to admit that I still spend a lot of time being afraid. Things that come out during our discussions get my heart to pounding and start making me feel nauseaus. I manage to maintain an even keel during our talks; I think it is because I appreciate the fact that he is finally starting to open up and I dont want to jeapordize that...but when I get by myself it seems that the bad things said just keep rearing their ugly heads more so then the good things. One of my goals is to get this type of thinking under control because I KNOW that it is self destuctive but man is it hard. I do my best to keep my mind/body preoccupied (clean,practice guitar,walk,exercise,art) but the past few days my thoughts just keep going negative. I keep wondering how long will it be before we backslide to the beginning? H has freely admitted that he goes for a few weeks and everything is good and looking up and then he just spirals down one day and it takes over. I go nuts trying to think of ways and things to keep him motivated but I seem to end up with this sinking feeling that I am falling short.
The upside is that my goals are being met...there are only a couple that haven't been yet and I am hoping that with time I'll accomplish even these. I keep going over them to see if I need to make new ones or maybe expand the ones I have but I can't come up with anything. I do try to tell myself to practice what H does, take it one day at a time but the past barges in and gets me flustered about the future. This then gives my goals a limited perspective
If you have read my threads and this post then you can probably tell that I have reached a juncture where I am in a tangled knot and can't seem to unravel the darn thing. Any suggestions?
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Over the past couple of days I have gotten confusing statements from H that were really bothering me a lot. One of the things he is focused on are my trust issues. He cannot seem to understand how I can say I am willing to trust him again. He has repeatedly said he doesn't trust himself, he was the one who had the A, how is he to be trusted? This raised a red flag for me...I had to wonder if he wasn't perhaps giving me a warning, or had plans to undo everything we have accomplished so far. I ended up telling him bluntly this morning that he was confusing me by these statements. I said that it seemed to me that he was basically saying "you shouldn't trust me but you have to trust me" (one of his big resentments is he felt I never have trusted). He said that the statement didn't make sense...that he was trying to show me that I shouldn't/didn't trust him. I have tried and tried to explain my feelings in this area to him but he doesn't seem to get. I have told him that I had a long time to get over his A while it was going on...it was something I couldn't change or undo and my best option was to just wait for him to finally get the guts to come clean about it. He did this and I dealt with it. I told him that it was also easier for me to believe that he was a man of his word, then I didn't spend the whole day being tormented by my own thoughts. I asked him if the questions I asked were ever accusatory because they weren't meant to be...I was just curious about a lot of things, not because I didn't trust him but because I have a morbid sense of curiousity. He agreed that my questions weren't accusations but he said they do come off at times as being untrusting. I re-stated that he said he was committed to working this M out (at which point he started to get all defensive...started to say "I told you..." and "I know what I said... I told him to be quiet a minute and let me finish what I was saying )and since he gave his word that he was that was good enough for me. I also said that his statements about how I shouldn't trust him made me wonder if he was trying to warn me about anything...then I asked if his convo with the OW the other night is what led him to say these kind of things. He told me "no, not by any means". Then I figured what the heck your in it knee deep right now, so I asked him why he would have a R convo with her if there wasn't suppose to be any R going on any longer? He said there isn't any R with them , that that wasn't what they talked about most of the time, it was mostly just idle chit-chat. I asked him what they did talk about concerning their R then (I know...its that morbid thing again). He told me they talked about her behaviour and the things she had said the night before. He said that she had told him that she knew he was never going to leave me and she wanted things to go back to the way they were before then she tried to stick her hand down his pants (ugh!). He said he got angry with her, pushed her away, told her she was drunk and the answer was NO. He said that the next night she apologised, she was confused and that it wasn't what she wanted. I asked him if he told her that he WAS willing to go back to the way things were before and he said no, that is all over with. I said Ok then. I then asked him the question that I posted on my thread on the newcomers forum concerning if he ever FELT that I loved him. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with his answers concerning that.
I thought that he would have possibly been irritated or annoyed by our talk this morning but he said that he wasn't, that he was still feeling good ( a few of weeks ago he would have cut me off at the knees and reduced me to tears) and he hoped he would be home from work early tonight if all went well. He then called me from work later and asked me if I wanted to go on a business trip with him next week and that made me feel good. I guess that even though our "talks" make me nervous and stressed while we have them they are helping him out a lot because he says he feels better after having them...he stills feels awkward being so open with me but he's learning. I'm beginning to think that perhaps they are even helping him a bit with his MLC. He is becoming a little more goal oriented again which is a somewhat of a relief. DOes anyone have a different take on this then what I do...perhaps see something that I may be missing?? ANy input would be most helpful
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
)and since he gave his word that he was that was good enough for me. I also said that his statements about how I shouldn't trust him made me wonder if he was trying to warn me about anything...then I asked if his convo with the OW the other night is what led him to say these kind of things. He told me "no, not by any means". Then I figured what the heck your in it knee deep right now, so I asked him why he would have a R convo with her if there wasn't suppose to be any R going on any longer? He said there isn't any R with them , that that wasn't what they talked about most of the time, it was mostly just idle chit-chat. I asked him what they did talk about concerning their R then (I know...its that morbid thing again). He told me they talked about her behaviour and the things she had said the night before. He said that she had told him that she knew he was never going to leave me and she wanted things to go back to the way they were before then she tried to stick her hand down his pants (ugh!). He said he got angry with her, pushed her away, told her she was drunk and the answer was NO. He said that the next night she apologised, she was confused and that it wasn't what she wanted. I asked him if he told her that he WAS willing to go back to the way things were before and he said no, that is all over with. I said Ok then. I then asked him the question that I posted on my thread on the newcomers forum concerning if he ever FELT that I loved him. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with his answers concerning that.