W is coming by tomorrow morning to pick up more things from the house. She requested I not be there. I confirmed I could likely be out of the house, but I wished to know what she was taking IF it was anything that would impact me or was something that I might wonder about. I left my request open ended so that she did not need to respond, and phrased it so that it was a request that she could determine if she needed to answer. Right now I sort-of trust her, but would like clear communication if it impacts me.
W sent me an email letting me know exactly what she would be taking, and all sounds appropriate. I'm honestly kind of thrown off in that I keep expecting her to monster or throw a curve ball. This is just....meekly retreating. I'm not putting my guard down, but I'm just pretty surprised.
Her request to be alone at the house may be because her parents are coming to help her - she told me they would be coming. Her parents have not been at our house in a very long time. They have never accepted that W is gay (they ignore it) and I have never been introduced to them. They live 15 minutes away.
I had thought that perhaps the request to be by herself was because OW might be helping. That could still be the case, W could be lying to me. But when she told me her parents were coming, that seems to be a very plausible explanation. It actually seems to be a more likely explanation. The idea that OW could be helping fills my stomach with knots, but I can't worry about that. I'm really trying to put that speculating behind me.
I'm realizing more and more that W is currently not someone I know, and therefore I need to let her go. I need to plan my future. I still do think that she will return in some way in the future- whether or not I'm here and open to R. At this point in time I think she has a process she needs to go through, and she can only do it alone. I think a part of her knows that it will be ugly and painful and she doesn't want me there for it, and I wonder if she thinks it will be kinder if I'm cut loose. I realize I'm projecting what I WANT to be true. But if she really just does run...and I don't have any contact with her....does my fantasy hurt anything? As long as I'm not hanging on to false hope, does it matter if I believe I know why she had to leave?
I think I know the answer to that. I need to not fill my head with fantasies. I need to just accept I may never know, and I may never hear from her again after the D. No expectations.
Thats the thought/feeling that terrifies me most. Still not sure what to do with it. Few of us around here don’t have kids. In a sense it makes us “free” but maybe it also means we have to face that grief head-on because there’s a chance that, metaphorically speaking, for all intents and purposes, our Ws will be dead to us. Terrifying, like seriously, existential angst for me.
As for you. A pattern I notice in your latest post is that you’re doing a lot of explaining and apologizing for W. I think it’s a way to cope, correct me if I’m wrong. And letting go of hope gradually rather than dealing with a flood of grief. That was my experience anyway. Just a heads up: for better or for worse, there will be an anger phase. I wonder if that’s when she monsters. Not because of anything changing, but because of changes in your perceptions.
Last edited by burned; 12/02/1803:19 AM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thats the thought/feeling that terrifies me most. Still not sure what to do with it. Few of us around here don’t have kids. In a sense it makes us “free” but maybe it also means we have to face that grief head-on because there’s a chance that, metaphorically speaking, for all intents and purposes, our Ws will be dead to us. Terrifying, like seriously, existential angst for me.
It is terrifying. But also, in some moments I feel like it is easier this way. I won't be looking over my shoulder. Expecting her at every corner. Maybe we can finally let go then.
But really, we'll always know to some degree what's going on with them if we really want to. We're the SM age. We can google them, find them on FB, look up the LinkedIn. They won't be dead to us. And similarly, they know where to find us as well. So, it's just one day at a time. We don't know anything.
Originally Posted by burned
As for you. A pattern I notice in your latest post is that you’re doing a lot of explaining and apologizing for W. I think it’s a way to cope, correct me if I’m wrong. And letting go of hope gradually rather than dealing with a flood of grief. That was my experience anyway. Just a heads up: for better or for worse, there will be an anger phase. I wonder if that’s when she monsters. Not because of anything changing, but because of changes in your perceptions.
Definitely 100% coping. Yes. I know it, but it just feels better to feel like she's slipping away than to feel like she has slammed a door. I need to grieve her in pieces.
My perception of her has grown kinder with the distance, I think. The past 9 months or so when she was hot and cold was difficult. I was on eggshells in the house. But she never truly monstered (yet) - she really more retreated and had a bit of a quiet temper or crankiness about her.
So I don't know what's coming. But in this moment, I'm imagining my life without her. I'm needing to figure out if I want to buy a house or condo here, so that's taking my brainpower and imagination. Part of me wants to run as well - travel the world. But with aging grandmas and my support system being here and a job that is really perfect for me in this moment, I think I should stay a bit. Maybe just do extra traveling.
Yail, I would say get anything important to you out the House.
I been told this by therapist. What is your gut telling you.
If it's telling you W will bring OW also that means she will.
I know it sounds crazy or W would not do that. Guess what they will. MLCers can see you dying and they will walk over you.
They are cold hearted it feels like they want us dead.
Just protect yourself with everything. Financially, emotionally, and physically everything.
I remember one time W came to my driveway with OW Ow got out the car. With W but I heard W say stop.
It was like she was going fight me. I smerk at W and shook my head. W knows me very well am a very easy going person But don't cross my path either.
But it shows you that they don't care because usually they Are as F up as our W/H....
Just take it is. And remember protect yourself
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Marina, thank you for a reminder to protect myself. Financially W and I have chosen to always have separate finances. In that way I am lucky to not need to worry.
I'm still not sure what I think about if W is coming with parents or OW. I do think it is her parents. But it's not really fair or realistic to trust her right now either. I'm not sure if I will do anything about this or not. She has outlined exactly what she will be taking. If she takes more than that, I will need to do something.
Well, W has come and gone. I did take a look to be sure who she was with, and it was her parents helping her. This was a big relief, as I was very uncomfortable with the idea of OW in the house. I don't have a specific reason to not trust W, except that she's WW and/or MLC. But she hasn't yet lied to my face. Even when I asked her about OW she owned up to it right away. No remorse, but no lying.
She said she'd be done at 12:00pm, and I had been trying to come up with errands to do to make myself scarce at her request. I was done errands, and just driving in circles around the neighborhood waiting to go home (I had to pee! Too much coffee!). At somewhere around 11:50ish I drove by the house to see if they might be done, but not yet. I continued driving and parked myself in a local business parking lot. Got an unexpected text from W thanking me for giving her space, and confirming she was done at the house.
I did immediately do a sweep of the house and she has taken only exactly what she outlined to me. I am grateful for her respect and that there is no reason to escalate anything. Perhaps this will be a respectful process.
I thought I'd be thrown for a loop today and a mess due to W coming back to town and taking items. But now that she's gone I'm A) relieved that she is being civil and respectful and B) I'm just in a good mood! I'm just really content sitting in the house all day today. It's cold and rainy out.
On a whim I brought the rabbit upstairs. We (I) have a house rabbit who has free rein of the downstairs. No hutches or cages for this one. She's totally litter trained and just the most fun animal. Spoiled, lovely bunny. She was always downstairs because we were able to spend a lot of time with her there, but also W has allergies. So it was best to keep her downstairs since the bedrooms are upstairs. Kept Ws allergies in check.
Well, W doesn't live here now, so upstairs came the bunny! Just for a visit. the electric cords are not protected, so I'm watching her like a hawk. Two seconds of me looking away and she wants to murder the evil cord. I'm currently watching her have a ball as she explores this whole new room. Lots of happy hops, content flops onto her side, and nose-booping me out of affection. This one LOVES an audience.
