Today I'm wondering if I even want to stay married to my H? It doesn't seem worth it to continue to fight for a marriage that has been mostly bad/unhappy. I mean my H has always been a control-freak, manipulative and selfish...nothing has changed as a result of our year long separation.
I mean the entire time I'm talking to him about R, he's busy blaming me, it's always my fault the reason the marriage is this way. He will not admit he has contributed to the problem...he continues to maintain that if I would act like he wants me to he will be ok and our marriage will work. I don't know how this is going to get fixed as long as he avoids his responsibility in the demise of our marriage. I certainly don't enjoy being victimized every time I'm around him.
I know I can continue to work on me, go to counseling, build up my sense of self (which I have done to some extent in the past year) but will this ultimately help him see what he's done? When will he admit he needs to change? Right now it's all on me to change and save this marriage while he goes on his 'feelings'. He talks a lot about fixing us but does not back his words with actions.
I've decided not to see him anymore until he admits he has a problem with depression and seeks counseling. I just can't operate with his constant mood shifts...one day we are on and next week it's off. I feel like he wants to make me look bad to justify his stance that the divorce is the right thing to do!
Also our divorce is up for dismissal because it has been a year since I filed and there has been no action on our case. With his mood how it, should I let the divorce go and run the risk of not getting child support from him? Right now thanks to temporary orders, he is required to give me child support. I'm afraid that if I was to make him angry, he'd punish me by not giving me monetary support of his own free will.
Frankly I think I've just about reached my limit of what behaviour I'm willing to live with. I'm definitely writing him a letter today letting him know in no uncertain words what i expect to change in order for us to see each other.
Quoting cfronk: I'm definitely writing him a letter today letting him know in no uncertain words what i expect to change in order for us to see each other.
Any words of wisdom?
I think that writing that letter would be a great idea!
One thing that might really help is to really concentrate on how you would like your relationship to be, and not only on what you don't like about it. Write and re-write it a few times, until you think you've got it just right.
Practice here if you'd like, and we'll help see if it says what you want it to before you send it!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I don't know the answers about letting the divorce go, etc. But I would advise you not to let him get into a habit of using the child support as some kind of bargaining chip, or the withholding of it as a threat to you.
I've noticed in my situation that W can be very vindictive when angry and takes it out anyway she can. If he tries that with the child support, I'd recommending taking some type of action immediately.
Yes, that is what happened when he first moved out. He refused to give me child support though he said he was ok with it. He just gave me such a hard time about getting the money. I ended up filing temporary orders to insure that I would get some kind of help. He's been really good about paying as required but just recently when he found out that our case was getting dismissed did he mention in anger that I'd expect no more child support until I got the divorce going again.
I refused to file the motion to retain and have not received any threats this week. I don't know if I can trust him to pay now out of his good will. I guess I could give it a try see what happens and if it doesn't go well simply get my lawyer to issue more temporary orders.
I didn't think of that and you are right. I should be ok though because I'm living with my parents and currently do not have to pay the mortgage on our home. I have no bills other than my attorney costs. It may be worth it just to see how he behaves and if he is sincere in wanting to make this work.
You have had a lot happen in the last week or so. Don't make any snap judgements to D or not yet.
I do know that he needs help if he'd depressed, because otherwise the same thing could happen easily again. Depending if it is chronic or not, some depression (from what I remember about being depressed) is situational - meaning it happens while going through a tough time. I think this type just lifts when a situation is over with. What is worse is if it is something that is more chronic, which may not go away without drugs or counseling. I expect I always have a minor depression - not any big deal, but I have had two times in my life that I remember going through a major depression. Now I can diagnose it and fight it off (I did this year, it was tough but I did). But I had to understand what I had first - and that took some counseling and for a short while I took drugs too.
Depression is really serious, and he should get help.
No legal separation in Texas. I tried last night to go out with him but he was so rude I ended up asking him to take me home. Boy was he mad. He said I shouldn't be asking questions that make him feel like he has to report to me. I said that was not my intent, I was only making casual conversation and that I was sorry. He yelled and said there are other things to talk about besides what he and the boys did for lunch. It was very disappointing but then he's always talked to me like that...nothing has changed.
And now he's wanting to move far away. I don't have much hope for this marriage. Most of the time when he looks at me he just looks smug...like hey I can do anything I want to her she'll still sleep with me! I feel so demoralized by him.
Though last night was a complete 180 for me. I've never stood up for myself. Any other time we would have continued out together with me stewing silently and trying to get over it without him noticing how angry he made me. I think that was a good thing about last night.
But it still makes me sad that he doesn't want to change. I've got to detach from him asap! I know divorce is not the answer but the man is pushing me hard to it!!!
