H found out that our grown son doesn't want to talk with H or have him attend sporting events where the grandson is. Absolutely livid.
Says that this is all my fault, since I decided (finally) to tell our grown children (one nearly 40) about the EA after I discovered that H had purchased an airline ticket for her to come out for a visit, and rented a single hotel room for the two of them. When I called him on it he asked for a divorce, and I could no longer go on acting like everything has been ok (I had been doing this all summer to try and get through our daughter's wedding, and just told them that I was feeling depressed.)
Just to clarify, when I walked in the door of one of the children's houses, they immediately said "Dad is having an affair, isn't he?" before I said a word. They said that they knew because he guarded his cell phone so zealously and that he had snatched his phone from one grandson in kind of a gruff way. Apparently, he also has an Instagram account where she has commented on nearly every picture.
So while of course they now know that there is an EA (pictures were mailed to my house of them making out), he blames me for the grandchild issue, even though it appears that everyone (except the grandchild, of course) knew or at least strongly suspected what was happened.
Thanks to the development, which had nearly nothing to do with me, and another moment where a relative send an Instagram request to my husband's EA, H is saying that he will decide today whether to go on with the marriage.
Believe it or not, I still love this man--we've been married for 38 years (overwhelmingly really good, although he has started to rewrite history a little bit lately). I started talking to him about the 180 (of course I didn't call it that or talk about DB) but instead emphasized that I am trying to build my life so that we have a great marriage to come back to. (Which means that I am trying to act "as if" although I suck at it.)
Any and all ideas welcome.
BTW, I figured out the pattern of us arguing so much, in case any of you have experienced this: I make a request (like, say "what do you want from the store?") he raises his voice, I respond that he cannot talk to me that way, and the rest of the argument insues. If he returns home today, and doesn't want to separate or divorce, the 180 (or last resort) is my plan.
Here is my last question: we live under the same roof. I really don't know how to be "sort of friendly, but living my life?" Suggestions on how to do this?
What a horrible situation you are in. I can relate to some of the things you are feeling (I am married 28 years together 30)
I can sense the fear and blind panic that you are in because I was there also a few months ago. I know you say that you want to save your marriage; but surely this is not a relationship that you want to continue in its current form? It is very obviously having a detrimental effect on you - as it would anyone.
The marriage that you knew is over, it can never be returned to. What you may have the opportunity to do is to start a new marriage with the same person. But, he is not there at the moment. It doesn't really matter whether the affair is emotional or physical, he is getting his needs met elsewhere and is not prepared to even acknowledge that.
He is being incredibly rude and disrespectful to you. Do you deserve that? Of course you don't. You are a person in your own right, not just a wife. You have people in your life who obviously love and respect you, because of who you are as a person, not just because you are his wife.
I sense that you are so afraid of this marriage ending that you would agree to anything to keep him there. It is fear that does that to us. Try to analyse what that fear actually is? For me it was about the status of being married rather than being with him. I listed all the reasons why I wanted to stay married (none were about him) and all the reasons I shouldn't (all were about him) but I had to do this with only the present situation in mind. It was no good saying ' we used to be....' because that isn't the reality anymore.
You don't want to build your life so that you have a great marriage to come back to; you want to do it for YOU. Because you deserve it, because how good your life and your self respect are should not be dependent on someone else. When your self -esteem returns and your sense of individuality is strong, then you can decide whether that includes marriage to this person. If it does then great, if it doesn't then you will carry on your life with a new meaning.
I too hold out some hope that H and I can build a new M. But I won't do that at 'any cost' because time has shown me that I should expect more than what was on offer. The BEST thing that happened to me was when he couldn't face me and so found somewhere else to live. It was torture for a few weeks but then things shifted. I started to see his drama and manipulation for what it was and told him I wanted no part of it. I have had limited contact for weeks except for urgent house business and for him to try to tell me about the R with OW. I only responded to say that there was no M whilst he continued to have a R of any sort with another person.
You mention that he is deciding whether to stay in the marriage or not today. He is comfortable in the knowledge that you will accept whatever he says. Time to take a stand and set some boundaries. For me, that would be for him to live elsewhere whilst he continues another R; but I know a lot of people here advise against that. Perhaps it is different for me as I'm in the UK but it really wouldn't make a difference here in any settlement.
Here is my last question: we live under the same roof. I really don't know how to be "sort of friendly, but living my life?" Suggestions on how to do this?
Treat him like a brother. Right now you are unhappy with him. I don't think friendly it the term. More like a how you would interact with a waiter.
You project that YOU ARE HAPPY.
Do not argue with him.
If he treats you with disrespect, leave the room.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I an sorry you find yourself here. have received some excellent advice from Yorkie and R2C.
I would ask that you read back through your posts and then ask yourself this. If the man who just stood in front of god and promised to love and protect your daughter treated her with the disrespect your H has shown you, what would your advice to your daughter be?
I too hold out some hope that H and I can build a new M. But I won't do that at 'any cost' because time has shown me that I should expect more than what was on offer. ....................
You mention that he is deciding whether to stay in the marriage or not today. He is comfortable in the knowledge that you will accept whatever he says. Time to take a stand and set some boundaries.
I agree with this. In the aftermath last January of his last affair, I pursued, pursued, pursued, and let so much slide, made too many concessions in my desperation to not be a divorced woman. After I examined myself, started GAL and detached, I realize there is no way I will put up with that crap in the long term. I hated the person I was then. Starting to love the person I am becoming!
Update: Tried to do 180. He started talking about it (blames me that his children are upset with him, instead of blaming himself that he had an emotional affair that also involved her interacting with their children, without their knowledge).
The blame game is a constant battle I deal with in my sitch. What works for me is ownership for myself. I say I am only responsible for myself and my own actions. I am proud of the good and sorrowful for the bad. You can leave it at that or if you need to reinforce something you say Spouse you also are responsible for yourself, your own feelings and actions.
Hope that helps.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Update: Tried to do 180. He started talking about it (blames me that his children are upset with him, instead of blaming himself that he had an emotional affair that also involved her interacting with their children, without their knowledge).
Marriage appears to be over.
Waywards love the blame game, and they fear other people finding out about their indiscretions. My H has said on several occasions that if it got around that he had an A with his latest, he would have to move. Really? This is the woman he said he loved? I guess not enough to profess it publicly. He is also deathly afraid his kids will find out. IF they ask specifically, I will tell them to talk to their father. Let him try to lie his way out of it. My S21 asked if dad was having an affair when I told them we were separated. I truthfully told them I didn't think so, because he wasn't when he moved out to my knowledge, but if he asks about the past, I'm passing the buck to the offender.
Tell us what 180 you tried when he tried to talk to you? How did the conversation start? Maybe the 180 would be not having the conversation? Tell us what happened.
The 180 was the plan. For me, that means no relationship talks, no raised voices, etc. The only thing that I mentioned is that I had weekend plans with a friend for Friday, Sat and part of Sun. He said fine, he had plans for Sunday as well. I don't quite remember how we segued into "I don't to be married to you"--but that's where it ended. I asked him about the invite to a concert the day before, the text that said "relax--we are both committed to this marriage." etc, and he only says that he has changed his mind. He is baffling me, because while we both have made our share of mistakes, he was the one having an affair this summer--no matter what, I never strayed in our entire 38 years. Our children are furious (he managed to involve their children without their knowledge) and instead of acknowledging any responsibility it looks like he is going to walk away.
I agreed and ask if he was talking about separation or divorce. He responded only that he couldn't be married to me anymore. I asked what he would think of a roommate situation, at least for know, to which he readily agree (to my surprise--if he is so unhappy why would he want to be around me). Trying to figure out what to do--I could use financial advice from anyone here. He makes $20,000 more than me, drives my car (my name only), we owe $66,000 on the mortgage and have a boatload of student loans, almost all taken out to keep us afloat while he recovered from brain surgery.
If we are roommates in the same house we'll need to figure out things like meals, laundry, cleaning, but it would be cheaper because we are maxed and can't afford two places to live. Tips?
