DB / Detach- Will we ever piece it together

[Did]

Hi all here is my previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61614&Number=2811280#Post2811280

W just came over to pick up D4. Ended up staying for an hour or two. She helped with some stuff at the house she's super handy and didnt like the way a contractor hung some curtains so she chose to redo it. I did some of the work... her gps wasnt working on the way over to get lunch she didnt know where to go. She offered to fix the curtains I offered to make her food so we had a salad. Then she followed me over to pick up lunch. I paid for her and D4, $10 for lunch. Yea NGS probably but $10... whatever. She thinks I control her with money. When honestly the money doesnt matter. I want the relationship and my wife back.

I made the mistake of looking at her phone where she had 3 new matches on an online dating app. It never helps to look. Yes I have been dating too. It still hurts... Id choose her and our M if she really wanted it.... she just doesnt seem to care. When leaving she asked about a hug. I said no, cya. That's the first time.

I wish this was an online chat room where I could get advice immediately... she followed up with a text- Did I do something hurtful?

I guess I just say I see no reason to hug... or dont respond at all. Since that isnt what I want to say but do what works right not what you want? I'll read some on here and think of how to respond rather than just reacting which is always a mistake for me.

I want to say: a week ago you said Ive been thinking about you a lot and feeling things I havent felt in a long time. Then after I try to talk through things and spend time together you ask for space. I see this is all pursuit and pressure so I wont say it but its pretty frustrating.

All this is during a period where I agreed to support her for 3 months to figure out where we were at with our marriage. I think after September I will not pay support until she makes up her mind. Maybe I pay rent only as child support for D4. $1325 instead of $2325 which includes $1000 spousal support. She can date me and choose to commit to building our relationship back / Recon or she can choose to divorce and we go to mediation and iron out the details of our divorce agreement. There is also a 90 day cool down period after divorce if we havent been separated for 2 years.

I havent talked to her much and have been short in responses the last couple days. Now this interaction today. I'll see her again Monday when I go to pick up D4 and head to see my family for the day.

[LITB]

Hey Did,

It is clear that both you and your W are warm and cold to each other. Something needs to happen to change that dynamic.

I still highly recommend consulting with an attorney to know how much support you will be responsible for. During my second separation, my W threatened me to come after more support. I had already asked my attorney to run the numbers, so I had this info. I calmly told her, "do what you gotta do" and walked away. Her intent was to manipulate me using a scare tactic to get what she wanted. She recognized the change, as she later admitted.

See, I played the role that you are playing. I was the enabler in allowing her to manipulate me into providing her with what she needed, while keeping me an arm's length away.

I have read in your threads where one minute she wants to be warm with you and the next she is cold. You both are guilty of it to be honest. Some of your actions are motivated by an expectations. If I do X, she will do Y. When she doesn't do Y, you come away disappointed.

Work on Detachment, and having no expectations. Also, if you have ended it with the other woman, you need to do it. It will make things more complicated.

Here is another suggestion. Stop spending time with her. It will prolong the emotional rollercoaster. Limit your contact strictly to anything that pertains to your D. If you haven't come up with a schedule, it would be a great idea to do so. This will help reduce contact. I know it will suk and it is difficult, BUT it will change the dynamic.

[Did]

Thanks Litb I appreciate your time. Stop spending time with her even if she wants to get to know each other again and build a relationship? Last night she texts me I want to text you but I don’t want to say anything too heavy. New moon- emoji. This could mean just about anything including I want to move forward with divorce. I wake up and see it early in the morning and can’t sleep.

I want my woman back. Stop spending time with her detach gal until what? She makes a decision? She said she’s bored and lonely so that’s why she was swiping on dating app. We could be talking instead. She just doesn’t see it the way I do at this point st least. I’m a leader and I’m really tired of giving her all the power in the relationship. Or lack there of. I will do it. I texted her back what did you want to say? I’m just going to stop talking to her. It’s the only thing that has worked so far.

I did come up with a schedule for the rest of the month yesterday and tell her. Really want the intimacy with the W I married. To wake up with my daughter every day. I think I’ll do just about anything to get there but I have to be strong and consistent. So do what works not what I want.

[Did]

I challenge myself to be the best DBer I can be. I’ll post the changes. What resonates is do what works. Damn it is going to be hard and feel like the opposite.

[LITB]

Thanks Litb I appreciate your time. Stop spending time with her even if she wants to get to know each other again and build a relationship? Last night she texts me I want to text you but I don’t want to say anything too heavy. New moon- emoji. This could mean just about anything including I want to move forward with divorce. I wake up and see it early in the morning and can’t sleep.

I want my woman back. Stop spending time with her detach gal until what? She makes a decision? She said she’s bored and lonely so that’s why she was swiping on dating app. We could be talking instead. She just doesn’t see it the way I do at this point st least. I’m a leader and I’m really tired of giving her all the power in the relationship. Or lack there of. I will do it. I texted her back what did you want to say? I’m just going to stop talking to her. It’s the only thing that has worked so far.

She doesn't want to build a relationship, yet. Until you consistently demonstrate that you are not going to be available to her every beck and call, there is no motivation for her to change.

So GAL until you fully detach. When you fully detach, you will not wonder or be waiting for her to commit. If/when she does, then you can decide what direction you want to go.

Good job on generating a schedule. Do your best to stick to it. And remember, when you are tempted to talk to your W about anything else besides your D, we are screaming in your ear, "STOP!! THIS HAS NOT WORKED!! WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO, IS NOT GETTING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL!!". DB'ing is counterintuitive. Don't let fear be your guide.

When she is ready, she will make it clear. Btw, not a good idea to let her back so easily. I made that mistake and we went through a second separation.

[Did]

Litb - super appreciative. Maybe I’ll tattoo that on my thigh - this hasn’t worked etc. I did have a brief recon a few days after oM1. I let her back super easily. Huge mistake. Last winter. Should of made her work for it.

A couple weeks ago W had migraines and was throwing up. Her parents pushed her to go to the emergency and got a cat scan she asked me to come which I did. I didn’t answer for Ann hour or two because I was busy gal first. But she was very appreciative and thanked me a bunch told me how’s much it’s meant for me to be there. I forgot to check if they had ran health Insurance which I pay for... they never asked for it according to W. So she just got an 8k bill. She wants me to put it through insurance so I did call her to talk about that. She said she’s so upset but she is acting as if the bill is on her besides whatever insurance covers.

During the convo Talking to D4 she is like dad come over we’re making chocolate chip cookies. W is like tell dad what we’re making... it’s like she wants me to pursue her. I’m not going over but it break at my heart a little bit for D4. Just have to be patient.

Last night W had texted me. Hope you have a good night. Wanted to text you but didn't want to say anything heavy Which obviously messes with my head a bit. Asked her what she wanted to say this morning and she said idk something nice and positive... meanwhile I’m thinking she was going to say I think we shouldn’t divorce.

No contact. Going into the city tonight for dinner with friends. Taking D4 to see my family tomorrow. Been in the gym looking good. In therapy. GAL 180s. Detach. I’ll get this DB thing. When she texts just ignore her? Or minimal response.

Do what works

[LITB]

I see improvement, Did.

When she text you something like she did last night, I suggest responding with something like this:
"It has been a great night. Thank you. Going forward, we should only communicate regarding D. Our recent communication does not work for me. Wishing you a great night as well."

Something like that. Then stick to it, because that is your boundary. She knows what buttons to push to get a response out of you. Time to put a stop to that.

[Did]

Thanks again Litb. Feel like youre my personal experience DB coach... much appreciated.

Had a great night in the city- good food, good friends.

W text me Fell asleep w D4. Very relaxed. See you in the morning. She facetimed me around 5pm I was busy. Didnt answer or call back. Havent responded to texts.

Last night she said- Hope you have a good night. Wanted to text you but didn't want to say anything heavy... then this morning she said she didnt know what she wanted to say but something nice or positive.

Did facetime this afternoon with D4.

In the morning I'm thinking of saying something like- Im glad you had a relaxing night. Im still waiting for whatever you were going to say nice, positive and heavy... I think we should stick to communicating about D4 unless we are both in a place to be kind and build our relationship consistently.

Or maybe I should think like a pro DBer and just say- Im glad you had a relaxing night. I think we should stick to communicating about D4 for now.

Thank you for the advice all... appreciate you.

[Did]

I’m still unsure of ignoring / setting thins during boundary when W is obviously reaching out more. DOnt I want there to continue? I really want her to pursue and want to be physical and intimate not just friendship and nice texts...

[SteveLW]

I’m still unsure of ignoring / setting thins during boundary when W is obviously reaching out more. DOnt I want there to continue? I really want her to pursue and want to be physical and intimate not just friendship and nice texts...

Read the pursuit and distance thread. She will continue to reach out the further you distance yourself. The minute you pressure and pursue is the minute she will run the other direction.

So how do you encourage her reaching out more? To not to be too eager to respond. Yes this works. This is why we tell people not to respond to informational texts. Respond to direct questions but give it some time. Do not respond immediately. Use as few words as possible when you do answer the question. Yes or no questions get a simple yes or no response.

Also, ignoring is not even reading the text. So don't ignore her texts. Read them. Just take no action. Later if she says "I sent you a text telling you XYZ, did you get it?" You can say "yes".