Back in 2003, my wife said we needed to talk. We had just returned from a family vacation with her family and our two young children at the time s6 d2. I thought wow things are going pretty well. After a rough patch at work, things were going a lot better. We definitely seemed to be getting along much better. So when we sat down I wasn't worried. She said she wanted a divorce. Backstory, we met in 1997 started dating in 1998 she had a son already. We hit it off and we got married in 1999. I helped take care of the kids, I do the bulk of the yard work, help around the house, cleaning doing dishes, vacuuming, I love my family and I loved my wife. When she said she wanted a divorce I went into begging mode, cried, told her I would do better do more, be a better husband. She turned off immediately. Of course, we had never done counseling and she agreed to do it. So we started counseling and things looked up for a bit. Then a few months later she went cold again and I moved out after she told the counselor she wanted a divorce. Of course by this time I had found Divorce Busting and ordered Divorce Remedy. When she said she wanted the divorce the second time I said okay. And I put on a happy face and was nice and I moved out and didn't call. I continued to go to counseling. She would call and let me know when I could come over to see the kids and she would disappear. After a while she got used to it would not hide and even would invite me to stay for dinner. She would go out and have fun. I continued to work and provide. We did holidays together but after the holidays she reiterated that divorce was inevitable. I said okay, do the paperwork because I never wanted the divorce. I paid my child support but ultimately the papers never got done. We reconciled and after a year I was living at home again. A few years later we had two more Ds', built a new house and have continued to better our lives. Then this year came and she didn't say we need to talk I said we need to talk. She admitted she was ready to leave the marriage. I said I was sorry for all the hurt I have caused over the years. My failure to recognize her hurt and for my blaming her for it and that I totally understand why she feels the way she does.
That was back in April. Right after we came back from a spring vacation. I'm hurt and disappointed but for the time being, we are still living together. I hear "I love you" every day. We had some serious relationship talks, and at first, they went well, but then I noticed that her reactions to them seemed to make her more cold toward me. She has been closing up on me for some time now. So, I've pulled back. Where I was sending a Snap Chat daily, or just sending I love you chat messages. Or show up at her work to say hi, or giving her spontaneous hugs and kisses I've stopped all that. I don't answer every time she calls and I don't answer each and every text. She sometimes talks about the future but at the same time isn't committed to the marriage. Intimacy is declining. I know one thing though, when I talk about the relationship or try and show more intimacy she feels pressure and anxiety and pulls back. So, I'm giving her time and space and I only pray she will see us, me, our marriage for what it is. A good thing. If not then as I'm doing now I will GAL.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
Last few days my W has been out of town for a family event. First night away she texted me a picture before they took off on the plane and then another just after they landed. The following evening I received Snap Chats of her with family members at the family event. Received a late night call because of D17 told her she was crying and upset mainly with me I guess because I wasn't concerned with her whereabouts. Got that cleared up with D17 told W everything was fine. Following morning she texted to make sure D17 was ok. She asked how I was doing I responded I'm fine. Around lunchtime she called, I told her everything was going well made small talk for about 8 minutes. Last night she FaceTime us. I held the phone up for the younger daughters so they could talk to their Mom and then briefly spoke after them again small talk. Today while home for lunch she called both the girls on FaceTime. I have not heard from her at all. My guess is she's figured I don't want to talk so why bother.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
I do so badly right now want to call or text so she doesn't think I'm angry or upset with her, but I also feel that giving her space is probably more important. So conflicted right now.
Last edited by Again18; 09/09/1811:06 PM.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
I'm so sorry you are in such terrible pain. But, you know the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to back off a bit.
Re-read your book.
Take a deep breath.
Life is crazy and complicated. Sometimes we know what we need to do to keep our marriage healthy but its easy to make excuses... that we are tired... that they will understand... that you ultimately can't keep DBing forever. But, your situation is a reminder that our M's take vigilance and on going maintenance.
Right now you need to give your W her space. You can't convince her to return though you could convince her not too.
Wish I still had my book gave it away years ago. Need to order another copy. You're right Got to give her space she needs and wants, and I'm doing just that. Furthermore, you are absolutely right that I cannot convince her to stay nor would I try. She has to make the choice for herself, whatever she thinks is right, whether I agree with it or not. I guess being a father I would want my daughters to feel that they have the ultimate say in their lives not someone else. To be a good example of that is to let their mother have her say in her life. It hurts but it is what is and like you said I can't convince her to stay but I can convince her to go, if I push, beg or act needy so I let her be. PMA and GAL :-)
Last edited by Again18; 09/10/1805:21 PM.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
I was doing my time card and remembered I had to put down leave for next weekend because we were planning a camping trip and I wanted to confirm she still wanted to do the trip or not.
Me: You still up for a camping trip next weekend Friday and Saturday night back home Sunday?
Her: *bitmoji* YASSS
Me: Cool **** said he will cover Saturday and Sunday for me I will work Friday but we can head out as soon as I get off work.
Her: *bitmoji* her giving me a thumbs up saying Yeah!
At about 9:40 she sent me a Snap Chat
Her: Just landed
Me: *emoji* thumbs up
Me: Just getting the girls to bed
Her: Tell them I said goodnight *emoji* heart
Me: They say goodnight back.
She still has another leg of the trip I don't know when she gets home, haven't heard from her since this last message last night.
Disappointing, because she used to keep me in the loop about everything, but now I'm only in the loop if I absolutely need to be and often times when I find out things I feel very left out. But it is what it is. Smile and wave boys smile and wave. PMA and GAL.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
Back in 2003, my wife said we needed to talk. We had just returned from a family vacation with her family and our two young children at the time s6 d2. I thought wow things are going pretty well. After a rough patch at work, things were going a lot better. We definitely seemed to be getting along much better. So when we sat down I wasn't worried. She said she wanted a divorce.
We reconciled and after a year I was living at home again.
So you moved out and gave her time and space, and she started to miss you and you reconciled and have been together another 15 years? Sorry you are here again but that's a pretty impressive recon. Would you say the same problems came up again or is it a set of new issues?
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She admitted she was ready to leave the marriage. I said I was sorry for all the hurt I have caused over the years. My failure to recognize her hurt and for my blaming her for it and that I totally understand why she feels the way she does.
Can you expand on that? What is "all the hurt" that you caused? How did you fail her? Has she told you why she is done or are you assuming you already know?
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I hear "I love you" every day.
That's good! I'm not sure she's two feet out the door, maybe one foot. Definitely give her time and space. Detach, but don't be cold and indifferent. Read Sandi's rules and use those to model your behavior.
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We had some serious relationship talks, and at first, they went well, but then I noticed that her reactions to them seemed to make her more cold toward me. She has been closing up on me for some time now. So, I've pulled back.
Definitely what you should do. Pull back and do not initiate R talks.
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I know one thing though, when I talk about the relationship or try and show more intimacy she feels pressure and anxiety and pulls back. So, I'm giving her time and space and I only pray she will see us, me, our marriage for what it is. A good thing. If not then as I'm doing now I will GAL.
DB101- Do more of what works and less of what doesn't!
AnotherStander thanks. You asked what all the hurt is about. I know over the years I tend to fall into a martyr frame of mind. If I feel wronged I feel I have to remind everyone of my place in the household, I do this, I do that for all of you, what do you do for me? Kind of thing. If I feel wronged I may make an obvious and overt withdrawal making everyone uncomfortable. I tend to argue might point of views to the extreme like I'm trying to change minds and attitudes when I really could let them go. I just have to remember don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff. When my wife would act indifferent toward me, I would tell her how she felt and why she felt that way. She told me that 99% of the time I was wrong but she didn't care I could think whatever I wanted. I make strong point not to do that now. I know my wife notices the changes, but she doesn't totally trust them. There is resentment for past failures in how I handled situations. She has also mentioned she doesn't think I should necessarily change, like am I compromising myself to change just for her. She might be right. She admits that she knows certain traits of mine bother her but she questions whether or not they should. One thing she said I thought was odd was, she wishes someone who doesn't know us or are situation could make the decision for her as to whether she stays or goes. She admitted to me that she puts on a happy face and acts as if everything is okay, she says sometimes she even believes it.
Wife came home today from her trip with family, and gave me a nice hug and peck on the lips. She does the As If very well, but then again, I'm doing that too. I act as if everything is good. I avoided telling her much about what happened while she was gone. Can't wait till she notices the new part I added to the truck. Her idea not mine, but the part came in and I installed it last night. Today I will tinker around the house and make dinner. I anticipate a nice evening with her home. Will keep it chill till she's ready to talk. I appreciate the responses to my posts. Thank you, it helps.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
