I have been lurking and reading for a while. My SO dropped on me and I feel devastated. I want to make it better and so feel she is making a mistake. Yes I have broken lots of the rules. Hopefully not irreparably. I am getting the news letters. Have the video series and DR. Also reading Men are from Mars at the recommendation of my minister. Very glad to see it is referenced here as well. My apologies for perhaps a less than organized first post.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Like I said I have been lurking and reading. Sandi's rules are great. The abbreviations are a whole new language but hey I had to learn a whole new language joining the Navy.
Going to work my way through the other links on the list.
Me- 55, W 53, 31 Y D 30, D 28, S 21 5 Grands
Not sure if she is MLC, EA or PA, WAW or just WW. She has said ILYBNILWY. She has said never getting back together but still in house, move on and find someone better etc. After 31 Y... not like flipping a switch.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
It's a holiday weekend so things are slow. Maybe you can post some details like how long you've been married, how long together, kids, prior divorces, affairs, your spouse's reason for leaving, any other issues relevant to your situation.
Breaking rules happens, but you need to learn from them and see what it got you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Turbine you have left out a lot of details of your sitch so please continue posting and give us more context.
I will say, based on my recent sitch, that the 50s are a dangerous age for a W. They have given the last 2 or 3 decades of their lives to raise kids. They have identified as a W and mother so long they don't remember who they were before. Once the kids are out of the house they look around and think......how did I get here? I notice your youngest is 21. Your W is 53. That means that she turned 50 as your S was graduating from HS. This was likely when she started thinking "how did I get here?"
In my experience most WAWs (and MWD write about this too) have been contemplating leaving for ~2 years. So the timing on this is probably pretty close.
So as you add more details maybe you could consider when things started to turn south. Also please tell us more about BD, what was said. Her list of complaints (if any). Etc.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
BD was after an argument. W had said D before in the heat of things. I was really stupid in my response. I regret that with every breath since. A while later she said she had a lawyer. Yeah all the mistakes. We had gone to breakfast on a Saturday, ran errands together, lunch. Pleasant day. Week or two later she asked if I would be home the next morning. I had hoped another chance to spend day together... nope... I was served. W sleeping in next bedroom, drives me crazy knowing she is so close. When she showers... all of it. I have told her prior to BD she was beautiful, special, smart, tough etc. Now... you know the drill.
Complains I ignored her, don't have common interests, don't give her flowers or gifts. I haven't try to learn her language or cultture, don't like her food.
We never have been just the two of us. Married in Navy, returned from deployment to a family. Even now her brother is living with us.
Married 31 years, 3 kids: D 30, D 28, S 21, 5 grandkids. ages 10, 9,8, 6, 3months
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Her church teaches no D. I had to join to get married to her.
I left a while back (about 10 years ago) and am in the process of returning. That isn't just showing up. Attendance is taken regularly. When speaking with the minister I repeated many times I didn't want this to be a trick or a false effort.
She stopped attending. Got a transfer and didn't complete the process. She has started going again, to another location. I had been praying she returns to church because it is so much a part of her life. Praying God softens her heart.
I know there has to be something for her to see as different. Prayer alone isn't enough. What is the saying... God helps those who help themselves.
I thank God for finding MWD, her Youtube videos, this website and everyone here. Going it alone would be almost impossible.
My lovely W is Filipina and the best part of that country. I had prayed long ago that God help me and He brought us together. I have not been worthy of her and I know I can't undo the wrongs (real or imagined) and I can only work to be better and want to have that chance. A chance I would have to earn/prove every day.
Her improvements are on her. I hope to be accepted again and to grow old with her. What I had always thought would be...
Last edited by Turbine; 09/06/1806:17 PM.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Her church teaches no D. I had to join to get married to her.
I left a while back (about 10 years ago) and am in the process of returning. That isn't just showing up. Attendance is taken regularly. When speaking with the minister I repeated many times I didn't want this to be a trick or a false effort.
She stopped attending. Got a transfer and didn't complete the process. She has started going again, to another location. I had been praying she returns to church because it is so much a part of her life. Praying God softens her heart.
I know there has to be something for her to see as different. Prayer alone isn't enough. What is the saying... God helps those who help themselves.
I thank God for finding MWD, her Youtube videos, this website and everyone here. Going it alone would be almost impossible.
If you don't mind, could you tell us which denomination? If you aren't comfortable saying I understand.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
