Hello everyone, first post here. Been reading through the forums for about a week now, and finally have the courage to post my sitch. Here goes.
I'm 32, wife's 26. We have 2 kids s6 d3. Been together for approx. 8 years. Married for 3. Some background info:
We have had our ups and downs like any couple, in 2015 before we got married I had an EA with a coworker of mine. Wife discovered and I broke it off. Been transparent to dullest ability ever since. ...we share FB, phone never hidden locked, etc. BD was on her birthday 8/8. She gave me the classes ilybnilwy. I asked her what I can do to change and she said nothing she's been unable to forgive me regarding my EA (even though at time she said she did and tied the knot after) and my attitude is always unpredictable (I'm no polar). W stated she has constant nightmares etc. I immediately took action and ordered St. Johns wort (helping me a lot) and began searching within myself to become a better H and father. Ordered DB and DR but have yet to receive them. We are still living together sleeping in same bed, although she says on of us must leave soon. Kids own the land left by my deceased uncle. I have messed up and pleaded for her to stay etc and have tried to stop since discovering this site, but it is hard. Yesterday I found some google history on our computer which I confronted her about and she admitted she has been talking to someone else. Said he makes her happy again and smile. Asked if PA and she neither denied nor confirmed. Just saying why does. It matter. She has been looking up divorce proceedings in our state and I feel like I am running out of time. I told her that we can work through this I apologize for my actions in the past and attitude which led her to another man. We had long talk tonight about us and I to her I can continue to change my ways and asked for another chance and she asked why now after all the chances I've given you? She is sleeping now And said she would sleep on it and we would talk again soon about it. Need advice on what to do from here. Thank you in advance. Much love.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello, I apologize for the typos, phones got a mind of It's own. I meant in order of misspellings fullest not dullest and bi-polar not no-polar. Thanks.
Seekn, first and foremost you have to get yourself right. Ordering St. John's Wort is fine and dandy, but most psychological disorders cannot be home remedied. I highly suggest getting into IC stat. Actually I would suggest being evaluated by a psychiatrist since they can subscribe medication. Commit to the meds since they are the only thing that can even you out. Most bipolar sufferers struggle with staying on meds. "I feel good, I don't need these!" Fight that.
180ing on your bipolar will go a long way with your W. She will notice that you are in IC and on the meds.
Next, stop focusing on her. Detach. Stop snooping. Give her space. Seekn here is the key: You have to let her go to get her back. That is the key. If you can truly let her go that should help make her at least stop distancing. (See the pursuit-distance dynamic.)
IF she insists that one of you leave, either the MBR or the house completely, make sure it is her! Do not think you can "nice" her back. The problem here is she has lost respect for you. Once respect is gone so is the attraction. Also, do nothing to help her with the D. You can't stop her from Ding you but you don't have to help her do it.
GAL....so important. Until you do this well you will be constantly thinking about your sitch, which will force you to react, which will thwart your efforts. Also you will continue to want to snoop, get more info on OM, etc. Let all of that go. It can't help you at all except to keep you attached.
Hang in there Seekn, this is a marathon not a sprint. Things will get better one way or the other.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the reply. So when you say give her space should I only speak unless spoken to? We still have a lot of small talk but if it comes full circle to R I notice the thousand yard stare. Letting her go in what regard such as acting like I do not care what she's doing or with whom? Thank you for the IC idea and I will begin the process to 180 in that regard asap. I will not help her with any D process or be the one to move from the MBR or house. Thabk you.
Thank you for the reply. So when you say give her space should I only speak unless spoken to? We still have a lot of small talk but if it comes full circle to R I notice the thousand yard stare. Letting her go in what regard such as acting like I do not care what she's doing or with whom? Thank you for the IC idea and I will begin the process to 180 in that regard asap. I will not help her with any D process or be the one to move from the MBR or house. Thabk you.
Yes read the detachment thread. You do not ignore. You are present, pleased, upbeat, and pleasant. Respond but do not start conversation. If she brings up R, validate! Read the validation thread. It is okay to say things like "I have a lot to think about and need to think about my responses" if she starts questioning you about the R.
Give her space means you do not follow her around. You do your own thing. Be with the kids, that is your #1 priority, the kids. Again, present, pleased, upbeat and pleasant!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the reply. So when you say I cannot talk her out of it then how will anything be solved? Is the only solution by her seeing my changes and deciding then if that she wants to stay with me? And can someone please elaborate on what believe nothing they say and half of what they do means? Thank you.
So when you say I cannot talk her out of it then how will anything be solved? Is the only solution by her seeing my changes and deciding then if that she wants to stay with me?
In short - yes LOVE is a choice not a feeling, so she has free will to make her own choices, lets understand that you are the father of her children and that is a very powerful thing. So how can you be the BEST DAD possible? How can you be the BEST person possible?
Originally Posted by Seekn
And can someone please elaborate on what believe nothing they say and half of what they do means?
It means trust ACTIONS not Words. Words are cheap. Actions take effort.
It means trust ACTIONS not Words. Words are cheap. Actions take effort.
Sorry for hijacking, but the words above have been SUPER prevalent the last 23 days. Words have been VERY cheap and are weightless. Her actions...are saying something completely different.
I'll post more when I have some time. Steve and Cadet are veterans and will guide you well.
Read other posts for valuable information. Read my thread and see what you can get out of it.
