W texts me this morning. Ignoring me a lot. Yesterday we had a brief conversation by text of course starting with her talking about D3 diet / potty training then birthday plans. I finished the conversation with I dont want to converse by text all the time its not a real relationship and there are no small steps that will be taken this way. In my mind this was the end of the text conversation.
She said Ok. It's a small step if you can understand that.
I did not reply to that text. I didnt want to disagree or argue, maybe I should of validated... W wants to talk through text a lot and we would probably be texting all day if I allowed it.
Do I want her to think Im ignoring her. It kind of tears on me because I want to talk to her and be with her and D3. But then Im ignoring... I guess I should just briefly respond some time later and not ignore...
This morning I said small step to what if you mean reconciliation there are a lot of things that need to happen and taking any steps would start with talking face to face we've texted the whole time we've been separated. So what do you mean a small step
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Really missing D3 want to go to the beach and have a beach day with her. But I guess I just have to feel it, suck it up and GAL. Let W have her time with D3 and not run down there. I loved that beach trip for her birthday. And years ago I couldnt even live in the moment and appreciate it. I know I could now... but I lost it.
Thinking about W saying small steps etc knowing she isnt dating has me feeling like I can get it back... having a hard time focusing.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
W says. We haven't been together for over a year. I'd like to try to slowly be friends and see how that goes. But you want me to like commit to something and that is never going to happen because it's just not smart or healthy. We don't even know each other anymore. I'd like to get to know you, trust would be a very slow thing for me. But I don't think you would be ok w my speed
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
She's either playing games or she's genuinely interested in eventually reconciling, but scared. You've said she has anxiety issues, I believe.
You have to decide if you feel in your gut that she has genuine interest or is just playing games. You are obviously interested.
Can you go at her speed if you decide to take a chance that she is genuine? Your eagerness has often been sabotaging you thus far. If she is genuine, then there is merit to what she is saying. It will require discipline on your part not to get ahead of her feelings. Now isn't the time to ask her to commit to anything. But you have to decide if you have the patience and discipline to see this through knowing that it could still end up with her ultimately deciding she doesn't want to reconcile.
Small steps usually lead to more steps. There is obviously a lot more to DBing than the LRT. Re-read some of the other sections of DR as well. Re- read and then re-read again NMMNG. Then read it again. Respect, yours for yourself, and hers for you is vital and your NGS will derail the respect train. Maybe look for the book Connecting Through Yes by Jack Ito as another tool in your kit, and check out his website, too.
It's clear that you're going to do what you're going to do, Did. You clearly want to reconnect with your W and maybe you should start on that path. But don't do it by the seat of your pants. Restrain your pursuit. Don't be an unconditional friend, yet - boundaries are important right now. Reconnect at her pace. Don't pressure her for dates. Don't forget that she will almost certainly periodically temp check/test you to see if she can provoke negativity from you.
I wish you luck and look forward to seeing your updates.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Really missing D3 want to go to the beach and have a beach day with her. But I guess I just have to feel it, suck it up and GAL. Let W have her time with D3 and not run down there. I loved that beach trip for her birthday. And years ago I couldnt even live in the moment and appreciate it. I know I could now... but I lost it.
Thinking about W saying small steps etc knowing she isnt dating has me feeling like I can get it back... having a hard time focusing.
So drive up to the beach. Call her bluff. If she reacts negatively tell her that the texting made you believe she was open to more.
I don't think you'd like the result though. But try it.
I've said this before Did and I will say it again, I think your W's interest is more about extending the $2400/month you are giving her rather than REALLY being interested in R. Which is another reason agreeing to support you in leaving you was a mistake.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She's either playing games or she's genuinely interested in eventually reconciling, but scared. You've said she has anxiety issues, I believe.
You have to decide if you feel in your gut that she has genuine interest or is just playing games. You are obviously interested.
Can you go at her speed if you decide to take a chance that she is genuine? Your eagerness has often been sabotaging you thus far. If she is genuine, then there is merit to what she is saying. It will require discipline on your part not to get ahead of her feelings. Now isn't the time to ask her to commit to anything. But you have to decide if you have the patience and discipline to see this through knowing that it could still end up with her ultimately deciding she doesn't want to reconcile.
Small steps usually lead to more steps. There is obviously a lot more to DBing than the LRT. Re-read some of the other sections of DR as well. Re- read and then re-read again NMMNG. Then read it again. Respect, yours for yourself, and hers for you is vital and your NGS will derail the respect train. Maybe look for the book Connecting Through Yes by Jack Ito as another tool in your kit, and check out his website, too.
It's clear that you're going to do what you're going to do, Did. You clearly want to reconnect with your W and maybe you should start on that path. But don't do it by the seat of your pants. Restrain your pursuit. Don't be an unconditional friend, yet - boundaries are important right now. Reconnect at her pace. Don't pressure her for dates. Don't forget that she will almost certainly periodically temp check/test you to see if she can provoke negativity from you.
I wish you luck and look forward to seeing your updates.
You are aware that he agreed to support her for 3 months, by giving her $2400/month. right? Essentially funding her life away from him. Guarantee she thinks if she plays games she will get him to extend it past 3 months. And with Did's history it will probably work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Hong... After the conversation below I am not going to reach out unless she does. I do want to go to the beach tomorrow to have fun with them but not pushing it... Back to DB and being not too available and all the other stuff I've been doing... I'm sure I did not handle the below perfectly and maybe pushed or pursued too much? But I was firm that I am not interested in being just friends? How do you think it went?
I said Id like to build trust and that can be at whatever pace it goes. The only commitment I would want is if we are spending time to get to know each other it's dating again at whatever pace. And were not dating others because that will kill trust. But I am not interested in being just friends.
She said- Im not dating and havent been for a while.
I said do you understand what I mean about being friends?
She said No
I said Im fine with going slow and getting to know each other. But as if dating someone new.
She said yea I think its important to build friendship while dating someone.
I said I agree. We never did that the first time. I want that foundation of friendship and trust because otherwise a relationship or marriage falls apart when it gets hard.
She said I agree.
I said I mean that the underlying attraction or desire has to be there. That feeling of hope it works out like when dating someone and getting to know them.
She said Yea I understand.
I said- You said you want to slowly be friends and see how that goes. If you take the firends out and we agree that relationships include close friendships do you want to start slow and see how it goes?
She said- Im going to think about it.
I said- Haha lol you are too much.
She said- Lol waht I need to reflect when Im alone and Im on the beach sorry for being short.
I said- Im sure youve spent a lot of time thinking on this. Lets not put any more pressure on each other.
She said- ok.
I said- No labels You'd like to get to know me let's leave it at that. I'm looking forward to getting to know you again. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. Let's move forward.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Steve according to the attorney the support will count towards alimony if we divorce. I will email her to confirm that right now.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did I don't know what her motivation is but it definitely does not sound like she has any interest in recon or dating. I think she's just giving you lip service. It could be what Steve said, she's trying to extend your financial supporting of her. She's dangling a carrot out there to give you -just enough- hope to think that maybe if you pay her another month and another then things will get better. I don't see them getting any better though. I think you need to shut down on her. Quit all the R talk, quit the texting, stick to business only as it's related to D. Be very, very brief even then. And if you're past the 3 months then quit giving her money unless it's by court order.
So you pursue, she immediately resort to generalizations. Notice, she did not once answer your question directly.
And then suddenly she is too busy to text! ROFL After 2 days of trying to get you to respond, as soon as you turned on the pursuit, she retreated. And notice, she DB'd you! She answered questions in as few words as possible, Yes or no answers got yes or no, except for one that said "I have to think about it". She even validated your feelings! "Yea I understand."
She never agreed to anything. She never agreed to be more than friends. And by the end you were apologizing to her!!
Did, you are amazing. The woman leaves you, allows you to support her at $2400/month, goes on vacation for D's birthday without you. And then you end by apologizing for the pain you've caused her?!?!?
Okay, I need to back away from your sitch. Now you know why Loves77 wanted to smack you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
