WW-is there hope? Any advise from former WW's

[TBSakaJ9]

My Xw made a comment to mutual friends that she is so thankful that she is going through this process with a man like me. That statement alone made me realize and accept that this is way more about her than me, that she would be Ding anyone who would be in my shoes, and that I am not capable of providing her what she is currently looking for. Early on she told me that she is not built to be this stereotypical mom, living in the suburbs, going through the daily routine of raising kids, and being a family. When she bought her condo on a busy street she commented that this felt like her.....being single again, dating, minimal responsibility, like she was living a fantasy life of what maybe she had envisioned her life being like before us.

The sooner you can accept and understand these things the better off you will be. Also...just because you see intact families walking around doesn’t mean they are happy either! All of you will be just fine.

[LANE777]

Journaling

Good evening.
Does anyone else get the Sunday blues. Usually I have my 4 kids on Sunday to Wed, but me being the NG let the W take them out of town. She picket them up yesterday of course. I'm glad she is out of town and not in this god forsaken town. I honestly feel like I need to pack up and move.

equal and joe, thanks for checking in and leaving me something to read. Its always helpful and food for thought .

I feel like me doing the detach has calmed things down a bit. I don't feel like anything bad or worse has happened in over a week. If anything, she will text me more often about kids. Yesterday she actually sent me a reminder to take our kids to an annual BBQ that our dentist puts on. Kinda strange, but she texted.."just thought you might want to take the kids"

Today has been lonely. I went to Church by myself. I have great support from the people that I go with. They are concerned and care about my family. I look around and I used to have the whole family with me. Now its broke. Someone did mention that all families have their issues... you just don't know it..so true.

It seems all the guys that are trying to detach still have a lot of interaction with their Ws. Im surprised at how many still live in the same house. It would be impossible to detach in that sitch.

Another week down and now a new week ahead, Good luck to everyone and I hope something good falls your way.

I appreciate the people who come and give me words of encouragement. You just can't hear or read enough of it.


L

[Groov]

Lane777,

Hang in there man! This stuff is super hard! It has now been 5 years for me since my X dropped the bomb. I worked very hard DBing and now I have found that it has paid off 10 fold! I am not with my X... however I have truly found myself through this process. Keep hope! Detach! Work on yourself. You got this... You didn't want this... but you got this!

Groov

[Vapo]

LANE,

I just got caught up on your thread. I am sorry you found yourself among us, but at the same tame you stumbled upon a great group of truly awesome people who know what you are going trough, who have gone through it themselves.

I was BDd in June of 2014, so 4 years ago, 2 small kids and an X who started her second puberty. I remember my path vividly.

I am going to be honest and blunt with you. You are in probably the toughest place in your life. Chances are it will get worse. You are just exiting the shock phase of it all and the reality of it all is starting to bite. YOU WILL BE OK! YOU WILL THRIVE AGAIN!

Now is the time to reinvent yourself, to grow into the new you, the best you can be. You have to turn your focus away from your W and onto yourself and the kids. when the blues hit you, embrace the pain, endure it and it will pass. In time the downs will become less severe and they will be shorter and less frequent.

I cannot underestimate the value of GAL. Even if you go by yourself, go. Hiking is especially useful, as is the gym. Hiking lets you go to remote places and you can yell out the pain. Yell it out! Talk to God. Do not ask him for an easier way, ask him for strength to endure instead.

Do not contact your W, unless it is for the kids. Do not accommodate her, treat her as a distant neighbor. Get your mojo back.

You are not alone LANE. We are here for you. Whenever you feel you need to vent, or to get something off your chest, we are here for you.

Stay strong buddy,

V

[LANE777]

Vapo and Friends
This is exactly what I needed to hear.
I Came on today to get reassurance from the people here. My W has been gone with the kids for a few days. They are on their way home now.
My daughter came across the D papers in WW's car....She then found on her IPAD history that W is planning a trip to Cali in Sept for a few days. So needless to say I am totally bummed out today....

So am I doing the right thing by not contacting her in any way accept kids? Is Detaching and GAL really the best option??? Vapo..you're so right when you say I am in the toughest place and it will probably get worse!!!

I do believe I am exiting the shock phase. I am feel so broken after having some good days.

[SteveLW]

So am I doing the right thing by not contacting her in any way accept kids? Is Detaching and GAL really the best option???

Yes and yes.

LANE, what is the alternative?

[LANE777]

Steve...I really dont know what I'd do honestly. The alternative would probably wrong no matter what.

The W just dropped all 4 kids. I stayed inside until they came to door. I saw her from a distance. She waved. I waved back and then shut the door. I'm now really really enjoying my kids..so happy to see them.

Kids said she was super fun and acting like normal mom....accept she dropped the F bomb which is very unusual for her...now that shes back in town, I'm sure she will get pulled back into her routine with work friends and OM.

Thanks all for responding...it really does help.

I've really been trying super hard to not mess up the rules. Thanks again for the support...where'd Sandi go? Lol

[LANE777]

Had a brief phone call with WW about kids and bills for this month. It was short and brief. I did bring up the my D15 told me she was going camping with her work friends. She did get a little defensive "I'm only going for one night" ..I told her that i really didn't care that she was going. I did mention that while I work during the day and the days she is off she should try to spend time with the kids so they're not sitting home all day watching Youtube etc...She said she would try to spend time with them on Friday. It seems that her waywardness has her occupied. It seems to me the reason she is pushing Divorce is that she has to much on her plate. She has her kids, the OM, her Health issues and then me. So she is trying to eliminate me so she can have a sense of less things to worry about. The OM has broken things off with her but I think she is still pursuing him and he just doesn't know how to shake her...but probably enjoying it at the same time.
Like everyone on here. Its unbearable thinking about your WW infatuated with someone else.

I did run into my FI and visited with him about it for a few minutes. They did not realize some of the things shes been doing. Like not telling the full story. He did say that he knows things wont last with this OM and not happy with how she was handling things. He told me that he was surprised at her choice of being single. He said she acts very loopy or weird sometimes and reminded him of when she was a teenager. He also mentioned that she had been crying alot over the OM lately. I don't know. This is a tough pill to swallow for sure.

She does have papers filled out to give me but hasn't yet. I think when she gives them to me, I will take my sweet time. Depending on what she wants, I may have to tell her we need to hold off until the homes are sold or I at least have to refinance the house I live in. I cant afford anything the way it sits with out a 2nd income right now or eliminate debt and bills.

So, she still has not shown any remorse of anything. She doesn't look happy. She still acts like her mind is made up and this is what she wants. I don't ask of bring anything up about our R. I still feel broken that her love for my is gone and wants nothing to do with me at all. I realize its the WW way but I question it all the time if it is REAL. I keep thinking that this fantasy fog will end soon and I just have to wait it out. But the longer I wait the more crap she does. Like plan a trip for 2 somewhere...it just digs that knife deeper into my heart and soul.

Did any of you ever question or wonder if you were doing the right thing? Especially if you really wanted the R to work out?
Did you feel like after a few days of no contact you felt like you really needed or wanted to try something to flip the switch back on? I feel like it constantly!!! This is so hard!! The longer it goes on the more I feel like its fading away.
I just want a glimpse of something to fall my way. Everyday is a battle.

Alot of the vets and people going through similar sitch are very good at helping hang on just one more day or one more week...at this point one more hour.

[SteveLW]

The desire to say something profound to wake her up was constant. And I gave in a lot. And it never worked.

[TBSakaJ9]

I never questioned it, I never had an urge. The hardest part for me was not treating her like my W. I never figured that out.