Congrats on the apartment Maika! Making a new space a home is always an opportunity for a fresh start, and that is a great feeling.
I would be interested on hearing more (obviously not details) about the collaborative mediation approach to D. I have no intention of doing a traditional adversarial lawyer approach, and without kids my sitch should be relatively straightforward.
Stay in touch.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Very cool M.......my XW and I sat down at the kitchen table and came up with our D settlement. We then hired 1 Lawyer to write up the paperwork, she did not represent either of us. The total cost for us was $1000......$750 for the L and $250 to file with the county.
Nicole - Thanks. Yes, she hasn't spoken up so far and so the D proceedings will be the last chance. I haven't acted like Plan B for her, but the further this goes on, I feel like she's thinking that I am still waiting on her. I know it's mind reading, but it $ucks to feel like someone thinks they can just fall into you as a safety net. The D is now for me and to move on. I'll keep the board posted. Y'all deserve to know what happens after all this.
Nef - yes, moving forward and it feels great.
Davide - Yeh, the new space will be a fresh new start that I am looking forward to. About the collaborative divorce and mediation approach, it is something that is available in my jurisdiction. I think it's fairly new. I am not in the US and so I don't know if anything like that is available. The main gist is - you agree to keep everything out of the court and settle matters through a collaborative team that includes lawyers, and other specialists if needed. The final D application has to be put through the court, but that's when everything has already been settled and you're just looking for the official D paperwork. It seems like the route to go. I expect some challenges, but with this approach, we can figure out a solution without having the court deciding it.
J - Yeah, that's basically the kinda dollar amount I am looking at. Will be slightly higher as we'll have to get some things sorted out in terms of custody. How did you handle the custody issue if one parent wants to leave town for another job? What would happen in your case if that was something you or W wanted to do? This is probably the biggest sticking point I think that I'll have to face.
M.....we restricted the kids to their school district. The x and I can move wherever but the kids have to stay so if one parent wants to move away they essentially give up the rights.
oh wow! Thanks J. Yeh, I'll have to figure this out because W will most likely want to move out of town and I don't want to do that. Also moving kids out of town to a new school district would not be in their best interests. They love this school and community, and it is also the best school the kids have been so far. I don't want them to lose that. I think just because of this we'll have to go through a mediation process to come up with a solution. At least I am going to be in the kids school district soon and so that will keep the school secure for them.
Maika, how are you my man? Long time no exchange. I have been following you (and Joseph) from time to time to see if anything new arises. I always thought you and him (and perhaps Gordie over at MLC) might one day find yourself with a WAS that wanted to R. You're still doing it textbook as far as I can tell.
I wanted some advice. No change in my sitch, still separated after over 2 years but for the first time, starting about 2 months ago, I changed my approach and just started being nicer (in part because our litigation ended, which lasted probably 1.5 of those first two years). No real expectations and probably almost fully detached at this stage (although still physically attracted to her), but she is now starting to open up bit, communicating more, mainly by text, and we have even hung out a few times with the kids on weekends. Nothing huge, she is being cautious it seems, 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing. But not all business either.
My question is whether I accept an invite to her place for S4's birthday party? We have to this point done separate birthday parties for the kids. Other factor to consider is that most of her family will be there and I haven't kept in touch with them since we separated (we were never married, just common law). Like you there was no affair or anything that drove us apart, just the usual complaints about inattentiveness.
Anyway, not sure if cake-eating even applies after 2+ years but wanted ur take on things. Does it count as pursuing if she extends the invite? Probably not, but it wouldn't likely have been offered had I not changed course which could be viewed as pursuing, and I'm aware that the vets on here would say you can't nice them back, or maybe that really only applies to WW, not WAS. Not sure. I'm not hooked up with anyone new, but have dated (she's probably aware of that) and I heard she was seeing someone but it didn't work, out and not sure if she is currently dating someone.
I think she knows I would probably give it another try, especially for the kids, who are still very young, and for financial reasons as well, so don't want to seem too eager by accepting her first invite since things have improved, it may confirm any thoughts she may have that I am always available to R if she was to suggest some form of piecing.
Or maybe it's just an invite to D4's bday party and nothing more (overthinking it), but with her family (and good friend) there, she would be left having to explain my sudden appearance. I have worked on improving myself over the past year or so but hard to know what, if anything, that means in this new dynamic.
S - My X and I still do joint birthday parties with the kids. If you can handle it emotionally my 10 cents would be to go as it would also be great for the kids!
Hey Slater! Good to hear from you. Yeh, I am still doing textbook DB but I might change things up a bit. I am still thinking about it. It goes back to our convo about swallowing the pride and just doing things without expectations. I am mulling it over.
I do agree with J about the party. I don't think it's pursuing if she invites you. However, with her 'good friend' being there, I am assuming you're talking about someone she dated. That gives me a bit of a pause.
But, I think here are some questions that I'd answer to make my decision:
1. Can I do this without any expectations? 2. Am I going to be comfortable in this setting? 3. Can I be myself?
I get along great with my in-laws and so if I was in your shoes, I would accept. But I don't think I can do it if someone she has dated is going to be there. That wouldn't be cool with me. That's where I am at right now. But with that variable in, if your answer to question no. 2 is 'yes', then do it.
It's always a win for the kids in this situation, but your son is 4 and won't likely remember this. You can always re visit this next year and see how you feel if you're not feeling 100% about it this year.
At this point, it doesn't sound like cake-eating. It's been 2 years. As long as you're not trying to nice her back and have a hidden agenda or expectation, then you should be fine. I generally see cake-eating happening in the early parts after BD and can continue if the LBS doesn't have good boundaries.
Come back and let us know what you decide and other details if you do decide to go.
Thanks guys, appreciate the feedback from two model DB'ers!
No, the good friend is just that, one of her best friends from work, married with young kids (a female), so no issues there. I can assure you that if it were something different she would not have extended the invite or at the very least given me a heads-up.
I too will mull it over and let you know what I decide.
Sorry for hijacking ur thread Maika. Yes, the new approach and swallowing some pride by reaching out, being nice, suggesting things isn't really pure DB'ing but underlying all of that is doing what works and if after a year or two there has been no movement, a new tact is indicated. One has to be careful though not to extend it to far (beyond things that involve the kids) unless you are certain there is no OM in the picture, otherwise you look can look foolish if she is on a different page.
