Amoafwl, thanks again. I hear ya, it's just one thing knowing what I should be doing and another one managing to do it.
I am sat here working away, trying to concentrate on the job but my mind keeps wandering. To where she might be right now, and what she is doing.
I am struggling to keep busy as I so quickly seem to run out of energy when I am with other people, and all I want to do is go back home. I haven't been going out much at all in our married life, and I never really missed it much, I guess I am a bit of a hermit anyways, so it is hard to force myself. Also, because of the impending move, I am trying not to spend money I might need for a rent deposit or covering both places for a while until the house is sold, so I feel guilty for even just going for a drive.
I think, things will get easier once I am out of here, it will remove the "waiting for her to come home", which I always used to do and which is hard to stop right now. I am looking at a flat on Monday, fingers crossed I'll get it and can start moving on and start focussing on myself and my future.
Also, hopefully, she is going to visit her family for a few days, as her mum is in hopsital (I don't really know how to handle that either, I want to be there and comfort her, but that is not my place anymore), so I get some alone time with the dogs and some rest from the "waiting for her".
"a long term view to get my own campervan and travel the world. Or, well, at least Europe."
I'd come with you. I'm not joking. I'd really like to do that asap.
Ha ha, thanks! I'm in very early planning stages, but it is definitely something I have been dreaming of for a long time, usually when things didn't look so bright, maybe in the back of my head I knew I'd need an escape plan one day!
So the next Ugh. She just came back from her day out (presumably with the OW), and asked me if I fancied sharing a Chinese take away for dinner.
In true LRT fashion, I turned her down, as tough as it was, got a bit of a puzzled look, but now I am panicking that she'll never suggest doing anything together again.
I mean it. I'm a cool dude with enough time and money in the UK, and you sound like a genuine person too who is going through a similar situation. Hey, we could even sell the book and movie rights.
So the next Ugh. She just came back from her day out (presumably with the OW), and asked me if I fancied sharing a Chinese take away for dinner.
In true LRT fashion, I turned her down, as tough as it was, got a bit of a puzzled look, but now I am panicking that she'll never suggest doing anything together again.
Bloody hell, this s*cks.
Stop thinking that any one action, word, comment, etc will have such a lasting impact.It wont. Frankly, its about getting your mindset to the right place. Part of the fake it till you make it is in training your brain to this mindset THROUGH your words, actions, etc.
And heres a question for you. Lets say she went and was sleeping with OW today? How does that change anything for you? What if she were out for a romantic lunch? Or what if they sat and played Boggle? How do any of those things change your plans? In my opinion, it doesnt really matter. She said she wants out of the relationship, so what she does on her time is not really important. Do what you can to focus on YOU and what you can control.
Amoafwl, thanks again. I hear ya, it's just one thing knowing what I should be doing and another one managing to do it.
I didnt say it was easy! But its the steps you need to go through!
Originally Posted by HumBug
I am struggling to keep busy as I so quickly seem to run out of energy when I am with other people, and all I want to do is go back home. I haven't been going out much at all in our married life, and I never really missed it much, I guess I am a bit of a hermit anyways, so it is hard to force myself. Also, because of the impending move, I am trying not to spend money I might need for a rent deposit or covering both places for a while until the house is sold, so I feel guilty for even just going for a drive.
Again, I didnt say it was easy. But the more you do it, the more you will enjoy it. You say you dont want to sit waiting for her to come home....and then you wind up sitting, waiting for her to come. YOU have to break the cycle. There are surely tons of things you can do which dont cost money - go volunteer somewhere, see what kinds of clubs there are in the area, take up a hobby. Im guessing at the library or community center or meetup.com or something, there are lots of activities that are reasonably inexpensive.
You need to make YOU a priority. Until YOU are a healthy individual, your W isnt going to be interested in reconciling and frankly, even if she were, it wouldnt be a lasting connection. The only person that can control your happiness right now is you. YOU are making the CHOICE to be unhappy based on her actions. How can you take back that power? It isnt easy, but I know you CAN do it.
You need to make YOU a priority. Until YOU are a healthy individual, your W isnt going to be interested in reconciling and frankly, even if she were, it wouldnt be a lasting connection. The only person that can control your happiness right now is you. YOU are making the CHOICE to be unhappy based on her actions. How can you take back that power? It isnt easy, but I know you CAN do it.
Again, I hear ya, but my head is spinning with all the what ifs. What would make me happy (I think) would be bundling up the dog into my campervan and going on the road. But a lot of things need to happen until I can do that, so I need to make all of these things happen first. I need to find a flat, get the house sold so I can buy the camper and convert it.
Yes, I could go work at a cafe or pub, but I would still just sit there pondering what she is up to, same as I do in the house, but without my dog for comfort (he's the best for that!). Plus, I'd spend money eating out while working, which I don't want to do. I don't feel like socializing with strangers, never been great at that. Honestly, I am not trying to make excuses for not GAL, but it should be a life I want to get, not doing stuff I don't feel up to for the sake of doing it, otherwise it would just be fake. There are a few things I am looking into doing (sewing meetup, salsa dancing etc.) once work is a little less busy hopefully by the end of next week, and hopefully her going away for a few days will give me a breather in the house without listening for the key in the door.
I know I need to focus on all of the things I want to do vs. sitting and hoping that the affair is just imagined or she will "come to her senses" just because I turned down Chinese food.
All points taken, my head knows you're right, it's just my heart that is still screaming.
And heres a question for you. Lets say she went and was sleeping with OW today? How does that change anything for you? What if she were out for a romantic lunch? Or what if they sat and played Boggle? How do any of those things change your plans?
It would change my plans in so far as I would give up all LRT or DB efforts and wish her good riddance.
I mean it. I'm a cool dude with enough time and money in the UK, and you sound like a genuine person too who is going through a similar situation. Hey, we could even sell the book and movie rights.
Lol! My current conversion plan only has a single bed in it tho, that would make one hell of a movie!! ;-)
I'll have to be working on the road, so limited leisure time, but I figure if I spend 8 hrs and more in front of a computer, I might as well have a view when I look up from it!
