Steve - thanks so much for yet another comprehensive reply. I don't know where you find the time, and I see you posting in lots of other threads too. You must have such an understanding W...
I think you're right - if there's any hope of R (which I don't think there is, but anyway...), then omitting the information regarding her A is critical, but it's more about the kids in my mind. As much as she deserves no good grace from me, it doesn't mean I should belittle her in the eyes of my children. She is still their mother, and although clearly a terrible role model (once they find out the truth), she is actually a very good mother. Very good. She dotes on the three of them, with a (metaphorical) firm hand when needed, and they are for the most part lucky to have her. I don't want to change that, or how they see her just out of spite. I'm better than that, even if she isn't.
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40, is your W's A still ongoing? If so, people are not dumb. Once she is on her own and in the arms of OM, people will put 2 and 2 together.
She says not. And I think not. Just from what I observe of her behaviour. Doesn't mean she won't go back to him, either when she finally leaves the house or before, but for now, no. The truth is going to come out at some point anyway - maybe not for a while, but it will come out.
I appreciate the anecdote from your sitch, and your perspective that this might not be over just yet, even though it feels like it. I'm minded to have some belief in that perspective, as you have been somewhat of an inspiration given the outcome of your sitch. From reading your thread (I'm now fully up to date), I take the positives from what you have achieved through hard work (which is amazing btw). I will keep on DB'ing through all of this, and if by some miracle there is a change of heart on her side, so be it, but if not, I'll still be a better man for it. I'm already a better man tbh. The changes I've instigated, the work on my NGS issues, the improvement in my level of fitness and physique - all for the good.
I do feel positive about the future at times - once I get over my wobbles - and I know I'll be ok eventually. Just taking one day at a time, and focusing on the kids welfare for now. Then we'll see.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
It's been a little while since my last update, so I thought I'd jot down a few words to keep you all in the loop. Also helps to get these things written down - cathartic.
Let's see..
Our sitch has definitely changed from one of me thinking all the time about me and her, will we won't we etc, to one where we are just in a process of separating, with no feelings involved at all. Kids are generally getting used to the idea of my W and I separating, helped by the fact that we continue to all live together and everything looks normal to them, for now. D12 was having some trouble sleeping, so she sometimes comes in with me, or my W sleeps in her room, but last night she slept on her own so progress there.
Both boys continue not to discuss the situation at all. No questions. No comments. They have I think mentioned it to their friends, so at least they are saying something, but with us, they just say they are ok, and act like normal teenagers, so I guess that's something.
For some reason that I can't yet work out, my W had some kind of meltdown over the weekend. Back to shutting herself away in the her room, avoiding all contact with me where possible, not looking me in the eye when speaking and generally acting like a 2 year old. On Sunday, she just kept away from all of us all day. The kids were obviously aware, and I had to tell them that whatever the issue was, it was for sure nothing they had done, and we should let mum just work through things herself. She's had these episodes before over the years so the kids know to let her be. She is not wired right in my mind - but that's for her to sort out. She has defrosted a little bit since then, but still avoiding any contact or conversation with me where possible.
I had asked her last week if I could take S17 and D12 away on vacation for a week next week - my sister and family are all out in Cape Cod and suggested we join them, just to give the kids a break and get me out of the house. My W said yes, and S15 is away next week with a friend and his parents anyway, so my W would also get her space, which we know she likes (and probably time with the OM.. if that's still going on). The thing is, S17 gets results from public exams in the middle of next week, and having said yes to the holiday previously, my W has now mentioned to him that actually she is not happy he is away with me when they get published, as she will miss out on celebrations if he does well. This is something he and I discussed before although actually from the other side (what if he did badly and needed to be at home to discuss with teachers), and he seemed to think it would be fine, as did I. She also knew this was the case when I asked her if I could take them away - perhaps she didn't realise when she said yes. Anyway, she has not mentioned this to me at all, so I am ignoring it until she does. If she has a problem, she can ask me like an adult does, rather than sending messages through the children. This could well be the cause of the meltdown over the weekend, but seems petty to me, so can't be the sole reason.
I also noted over the weekend that she had hidden a picture of her and me behind pictures of the kids so it was no longer clearly visible. She'd done this before and I'd moved it back, but this time I decided enough is enough and I removed it completely. I also took away completely another photo of the two of us that is in the MBR. She will have noticed both are now gone - maybe that also contributed to the meltdown? I just don't know.
Oh, and she is starting to take the kids around houses that are for sale to get their view, and buy-in to the whole process. They seem on board with helping her, and she is clearly 'excited' by the prospect of house-hunting, spurred on by the fact that she is clearly continuing to feel claustraphobic / trapped in our house with me around (how dare I continue to live happily in my own house...!), even if she won't talk to me to tell me so. Let's hope she finds somewhere soon and she can organize to move out quickly.
We have our next mediation session planned for 23 Aug, and I've been preparing for that with my L. Just want this to be over quickly now. It's very sad - we had this whole period of our life together, with great memories, but now I only see this stranger in my house who is interacting with my kids and co-parenting with me. I have detached completely as I feel absolutely nothing for her - nothing. I don't even care about the OM. Can that happen so quickly? I did feel compassion and understanding, and wanted to be helpful to/for her, but that's all gone. Almost overnight. Is that normal? I just feel like I want to move on and for this new limbo period to end as quickly as possible.
Since we told the kids, I have told a number of my friends and some of my family ('it was mutual, we have grown apart' etc), and all have been really supportive, inviting me and the kids out and generally trying to be there for us. I've been out a few times with them, and my GAL is certainly stepping up now its involving others. Before, I'd say it was more me exercising and playing sports than socialising, so this is a good change I think.
I really do need to vacation next week though. Just to get away. Get out of the house and away from being constantly reminded of her. I am hoping when we come back, the time apart will mean my W and I getting along better (or rather her frostiness having dissipated), but we'll have to see. I also have some work travel at the end of the month, so both combined should help ease whatever tension has been created (and however it has been created).
I think that's all for now. Sufficed to say, I guess I'm still DB'ing but genuinely have zero expectation or desire for the effect of this to turn my W around. She and I really are done - sad to say or write, but actually quite cathartic. Perhaps she was right all along - we needed to break up, but she just went about it the wrong way. A coward's way that was the most hurtful and least respectful, and I'll never forget that. Thoughts welcome as usual.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Hi 40, I´m glad detaching is working. Keep doing that. GAL and try to relax and enjoy with your children next week. I would get some IC for your children, imho. Be there for them, they´ll need you; be the lighthouse.
She and I really are done - sad to say or write, but actually quite cathartic.
As long as you both have breath in your bodies there is always a chance of R. Look at those that have for years been D'd and then reconnect. It can happen.
D is part of the process, it isn't the end.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
