After a year of being separated, and 4 months of being on the very brink of divorce, my H and I have decided to commit to being married. My question: Should we move in together right now or wait until we go to a marriage enrichment class (13 wks), write down goals, have a plan for putting together our marriage? What should I do?
I'm currently living 45 minutes from him. I though of getting an apartment close to him so our kids could go to the same school and then we could work on us gradually. I'm just scared that if I don't move in right away some OW will influence him to get away from me again or that his continued singlehood will continue to be attractive more so than our marriage. I'm confused as to what to do. Any advice out there?
Quote: I'm just scared that if I don't move in right away some OW will influence him to get away from me again or that his continued singlehood will continue to be attractive more so than our marriage
While I haven't had a chance to read up on your sitch, my gut reaction to this comment is this: Aren't you risking that no matter what? What you are going to have to deal with (believe me, I am in the same "about to move home" position as you) is the issue of trust. Moving home is for some a leap of faith. Personally, I am taking a couple of weeks to move home. There is a definate date for moving, but I am gradually spending more and more time with H and am spending the night with him tonight. Not sure about the sleeping arrangements yet though.
What does your gut tell you? Not the panic filled part, but the practical, sensible part?
My advice is, if you're both committed to the M, then go ahead and move bcak and get working on it now if that's what you both want to do. No time like now.
And don't wait on a class or a C - they're jsut people too, and sometimes can be wrong (see my thread "Advise ASAP Please!"
Anyway, to give you my perspective, I just moved back home after a 6 month seperation, but my W has not committed to our M - we are living in seperate bedrooms. So, my situation is not as good as yours but it's better than it was.
Count your blessings and congratulations on the re-commitment. You've obviously been doing things right to get to this point - as Michelle would say, keep doing what works.
Well, my practical self would say move in. We have a lot riding on moving into together financially as for us being together I miss being with him every day. I guess I'm just scared that once I'm there it will go back to what we had and I don't want that. I just don't know what kind of person he's become now...not on a day to day basis and that is scary!
Are you not intimate with your husband? Throughout our separation we maintained occassional intimacy and we slept together just Wednesday night so that is not a problem for us. It will be the adjustment of schedules for us and the kids.
What do you mean by slow moving in? How many weeks till the day? And are you going to sleepover more often until that point? Have you guys talked about what you'd like to expect or what the goals/plan is?
As you can see, I hate the unknown...I need a plan!
I'm glad you think I've been doing things right. I for sure didn't think so...I finally resorted to using the Last Last Resort a week and half ago! I was so scared! But it worked and that was totally surprising.
Is your W with someone else? It's good you guys are in the same house...then she can see your changes on a daily basis. Did you read the guy's story in Divorce Remedy? It may be similar to your sitch and could give you some ideas on what to do. I read that story over and over when I got stuck...it helped me get my perspective back when things got really dark.
No, we have not been intimate. We had our first intimate kiss two days ago. First in seven months. As for going slowly, I am going to start moving stuff week after next. The week after that we are going to TN to visit my brother and SIL.
We are still at the eggshell stage. Watching everything we say, studying every word that comes out of each other's mouths, etc. He was kinda distant at lunch today, but I have finally decided that that is because he isn't really sure if we are going to sleep in the same bed tonight. It hasn't been addressed yet but that is going to be the first order of business when I get there.
You have to understand that as far as either of us was concerned, I was leaving the state to relocate and he had filed for divorce up until last Monday...four days ago. So we are still at the very, very beginning.
As for your sitch, I would probably go ahead and move. The day to day has to start sometime, right?
That's exactly how I feel...like I'm on eggshells. We did kind of have a very indepth conversation about our marriage 2 days ago though which seemed to dispell some of the tension. The conversation really helped us see what we were doing wrong and what we'd like to see done different. Maybe that is what you 2 need to do?. Kind of lay out the ground rules.
It's so hard to be intimate with someone when you don't know if it will mean anything or even if the relationship will last. You do get an emotional attachement though and that is good.
I guess you are right...the day to day has to start sometime.
I'll be praying for you and how it goes tonight. Let me know how it turns out.
I notice you are in Texas. Where? I'm in Round Rock about 20 minutes from Austin.
No, My W is not with someone else - at least I don't think so, and nothing causes me to be suspicious, but I guess you never know...
And we've been intimate only once in 7 months - that's why my drive is in overdrive right now
Anyway, you just need to reflect on what worked when things went well in your R before and stay away from the things that you did to cause problems. Then, relax - don't make him feel any pressure and don't get desperate to have every day a honeymoon. Sometimes it helps to just be grateful for the small things - let the big things work themselves out in their own time.
Hey trek - I'm a Tennessean (middle) - where 'ya goin? Maybe we can hook up briefly to swap DB war stories!
