Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Time for a new thread!
Here is a link to my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

Also, Here is copy of my last post from earlier this morning:
Good Morning All.

W asked if I got the email regarding the early termination of our lease agreement yesterday. I said yes and she asked what I thought about it. I said it would be expensive and difficult as we could possibly be looking at 3 rents (her new one, my new one and the one we are presently in until they find another renter) and that wouldn't be possible.

She said she wanted to schedule the first mediation appointment. I said ok and she got her ipad out and made an appointment for July 5th. She then went into a small tirade about how she thinks I am hiding money. I understand she has none (she could get a job but zero effort on that front) but she manages to make sure she has batteries and juice for her vaping. She manages to have some rather expensive enzymes to help with her stomach issues (non prescription). And she manages to have some other items that help with pain that aren't legal in all parts of the country. I imagine she is getting some money from her Father, but that will end soon as he is selfish and won't carry her long.

I am not hiding money. I put my paycheck into a different account now. When she got her own private account at another bank, I got my separate account as well. She knows exactly what I make (I have shown her) and the only assets we have left post-bankruptcy are retirement accounts and life insurance accounts which were exempt and I wouldn't touch them anyway unless absolutely necessary. She knows our bills, well I say that knowing she hasn't really paid a bill or balanced a checkbook in over 15 years. Hasn't had to worry about anything financial for over 20 years now. And with the health issues, the financial meltdown an the pharmaceutical medications, she has regressed into more of a recluse and in her own mind (and chat board friends minds) creating her own reality. She in fact got a very small tattoo on her finger while I took the kids out on Spring Break which literally means "create your own reality". I just believe she has no idea of the real world, the value of money and how hard it is out there to make a living and keep a household running.

Sandi, Thank you for the role playing on that scenario. I read and will re-read it many times in the next day or so. At present, I believe I would decline the offer as I see it just prolonging the suffering and enabling her to wait for a better time to exit. My opinion, we are either in an MR fully and together or we are not. I don't believe she has had the full reality of her situation hit yet so she would not be agreeable to relocating together and working on the MR. But, this may change, who knows. If it does, I will be very wary of this as I have heard that sometimes these wives will say and do anything to manipulate their way to get what they want.

I am very interested to see what her preparation will be and how she will handle the mediation. The way I look at that is that meeting is just business. This is not a counseling session and emotions do not come into play. This is strictly about custody, parenting and of course money. I will treat her with respect, but I will not be played into the sob story of "I sacrificed my life to take care of our kids" crap that she wants to throw out. Her choice to move it forward. I will still DB everyday and be there for my kids and continue to GAL. Rule 33. Never Give Up, EVER!

I do know that it is going to get way worse before it gets better. I believe that as reality sets in, she will rebel even more. I am doing all I can to study and prepare for this so I am not caught off guard and my responses are appropriate and do not come from a place of pure emotion.



Thanks for the input Steve and I am wondering that myself if she will really go through with it.

[Dtrmned]

Just thinking and journaling. Really in my head this morning. Spinning and don't know what to do. One company putting their offer letter together and the only way it would work is if W wanted to move together to another town. Otherwise, we just couldn't afford it. I can't pressure her and I am even scared to have the conversation when I get the offer with her regarding it. Sandi, your convo was spot on. I have read it 5 times already today. When I get the official offer, I will have to choose my time carefully as to when to approach the subject.

[sandi2]

Why are you waiting until you get the $$ offer, before planting the idea in her head?

[Dtrmned]

She is aware that I probably have an offer coming. I just want to have it in hand prior to opening the discussion. If something were to fall through and I presented it as almost a done deal, my credibility and trustworthiness would take another hit and the idea of moving will vaporize and I would be the bad guy for putting a carrot out there. I just don't want her to think this is done "scheme" to get her back. This truly was her ask.

[Dtrmned]

Sandi,
Do you think it would be better to include her more in the decision part of this? I was focusing more on the detaching part and the GAL stuff and thinking that if I involved her more, that she would see it as pursuit.
I appreciate your feedback as you know WAY more on how to deal with my W in her current state of mind!

[sandi2]

Do you think it would be better to include her more in the decision part of this? I was focusing more on the detaching part and the GAL stuff and thinking that if I involved her more, that she would see it as pursuit.

Involve her how? Are you talking about butter her up, before you approach her about moving as a family, and having a fresh start as man & wife? Isn't that why you were wanting to work together in the yard, and that other stuff? You were trying to ease her into a better emotional place? You asked if it was pursuing and I answered honestly. The decision was up to you. If you plan to move as a family, like you have in mind......it seems as if you would have to do a bit of pursuing at some point. I mean, were you planning to tell her the night before the move? I just don't understand your thinking, so you've got to help me out here.

Here's the thing, and it's just my opinion. I think it would be exceptionally rare if she agreed to move on the conditions of reconciling the MR. That's what you want, right? Rare, but not impossible. What do you have to lose? IDK.......that's your decision. You have to weigh your options.

I don't know how quickly you would need to give the other employer an answer and move to the other location. I'm just saying as a woman, it would be better if I had time to think it over. Yes, if it was going to affect my life (like where I would be living).....I would like to feel I had a little bit to do with the decision making. Wouldn't you, if it were reversed?

[Dtrmned]

First, W said she didn't hear back from mediation company and is trying to be patient with them to get an appointment set.

I did take your advice and approached my W yesterday evening to discuss the relocation possibility. The conversation went pretty much like you had role played with. When I mentioned that I wanted her involved as it affects all of us, I do think she appreciated that and responded positively. I did ask her to please just listen, give feedback and ask questions, but I wanted her to listen and then take some time to think over the next couple of days.

Her first reaction was not a positive one. She mentioned that she may ask her father for a "loan" until she gets back on her feet but even as she was saying that there was disdain in her eyes and she expressed that she absolutely doesn't want to do that ever. Her Father is very selfish and of course we have the underlying physical, emotional and sexual abuse from him when she was a kid. Hard to believe that she would ask him for money, but I guess if you feel these a desperate times.. It was not a "no way in he!!", but that she didn't want that. We talked for a few more minutes and I just emphasized that if this is the direction she wanted her life to go (the relocation) that it could happen and we could all have a fresh start. If the desire is just to part ways and move on, that unfortunately I don't think it could happen and we would most likely have to live in the city we are in for at least the next 7 years (when on graduates High School). Left it at that and she said she would think on it but she did make the comment that didn't believe the MR was a possibility.

Here is the funny, ironic part of the rest of the evening. We are trying to work with our D to get more active. Problem is that she has no motivation and with W not looking to do anything she is not pushing her that much as well. W is totally behind D doing something, but I am concerned that when she gets more involved in sports or dance or something else, that it will be difficult doing this if we divorce just due to time availability (both of us will have to have jobs and with the newly found financial challenges there won't be much extra cash for these extracurricular activities. When we were talking about it W had mentioned one of the places they researched a few weeks ago was over $400 per month. We then went on to discuss as our D is lobbying very hard to get her phone back. Always issues with teenagers and their phones. W stated that she had a discussion with D who expressed that she hates the city she is in, wants to move to another city, another school, another house and have a fresh start. We did discuss and resolve the situation as a team, provided a very united front and worked very well together on this issue.

W wants a fresh start, new place, new city, etc. D wants the same thing. I would love to have a fresh start working on my MR and keeping my family together. I realize this is pursuit and again the DB techniques. I am not justifying as I did not plead or beg. Simply stated the facts and possibilities as I see them. I can make this work, it would be tough, a challenge, but if we come together as a team, it can work.

I am going to let her think and I guess a lot will come when the offer comes in today and how long they give me to think about it.

Truly, depending on their response time, I could get this going, moved and started by August 1 and the kids in their new schools by the start of the school year. I'm starting to make notes to myself regarding how and what I would need to work on our MR IF she decided to move forward. I just feel very weird on this as it seems, unfortunately, that the dbing way takes time (hate that) and with this opportunity, I kind of have to cross/bend/break the rules. She still hasn't had the reality kick in the face thing so I am worried about if she decides, will she really be committed to our MR or is this just a delay tactic to get where she wants. I just don't know.

Went to bed. We still sleep in the same bed together. I begin and end each day with hope for the future and faith that we can remain a family.

I don't know if I did this right, or wrong. How can she be so blind as to not see what is right in front of her? How can she not realize how much this will affect ALL of us? What the kids can do, what we can do, schools, activities, vacations, standard of living, EVERYTHING. I just don't get it. IF she was so dead set on parting, wouldn't she already be gone? Why wait? As stated prior, I do not think there is a PA. There may be an EA, but with her desire to relocate outside of the city we are in making anything else much more difficult how much stock could she be putting into that? I am not trying to mind read just observing.

Thoughts and comments are appreciated so please let me know your thoughts!!

[Dtrmned]

^^^^^^bump for some support!!!

[SteveLW]

JS, I think you did fine. I'd be careful with D saying she hates the city and wants to move. My D14 hates everything. She hates where we live. She hates where we might live. LOL Teenagers never know for sure what they want.

So now you wait for the offer. Either way whether you move or stay I still expect your W will stay in the MR. She has shown no action otherwise. Much like my W. Even when she was insistent that it was over, and she was gone, she never did anything to move forward on it.

And the mediation thing isn't a surprise! LOL Always an excuse. Her next move will be to ask you to handle it, again.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve.
I do understand that my D is a teenager and emotions run high in all directions. But, I do agree that an entire fresh start for our whole family would give us a great chance to rebuild our family and our MR in the way we want without the outside influences of the close neighbor/friend world. There will always be outside influences, but I think this would be good for us to focus on our family.
Talked to the company and should have the offer by tomorrow as we had to discuss just a few things.
Weird how life works and I can see the opportunity right in front of us to choose to be better, start over and rebuild.

Should I start putting thoughts together about how we could move our MR forward? Or is this just way too soon?