Im sorry but my phone is nof letting me copy my old post. Im trying not to use computer for fear my wife discovers. But maybe it just doesnt matter anymore?
Sandi2 if you are out there i need you!!! Im almost 100 pct certain my wife has really fallen for a guy she works with. To recap my wife dropped the bomb in FeB 2018. At first i tried to talk to her and persuade her to give it some time, try councilingetc. Not to mention that its the worst timing for our kids. One is going off to college and another next year, with the third starting high school. Because of a bad mortgage the financial impact will be devastating.
Then i came across MWD and db. I stopped trying to persuade and influence and worked on GAL and detachment. She agreed to see a councilor but told him that she has nothing more to give and that she wants a divorce. I accepted and we agreed to stay together for awhile to work on our communication so that we could coparent effectively and not have resentment. We also didnt want to disrupt kids during school.
Part of agreement was for her to stay in the house when it came time. That way my kids were not going to be uprooted. But we werent going to do anything till we worked on us. Couple months go by and we are getting along fine. Spending time etc. Then i noticed a mood and had a gut feeling something was up. I discovered a cover letter and application to rent a house for her and three kids. I was sick. Felt so betrayed and disgusted. Was i going to show up one day and find my kids gone?
Then there is the probablility of a EA/PA with a guy at work. I noticed her liking lots of pictures on facebook of him working out(such a tool....who has someone take pictures of them working out) and her best friend was also liking some of his photos and he was of her? Big redflag. Supposedly they met once in a group setting after a Christmas party. I also noticed that my wife and om like oyster bars in his home town. But then just last night i found that they both like and belong to spiritual/relationship site-blog-community...tiny buddah. I was absolutely sick because i know what that means. Its no coincidence especially if you look at my previous threads. Im still shocked that she would go down this road. Not sure if mlc or what. But i have a feeling shes a ww. Any advice/thoughts is def appreciated. Thank you....feeling really sad. Weve been together all our adult life. And i love and miss my wife deeply. I look at my daughter and she looks just like her mother. I worry for all my kids. Hope we come out of this ok.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/23/1803:48 AM. Reason: Link
Here's your last post from previous thread (if it let's me copy & past).
Quote:
After suggesting to my wife that im on to her and that she should move out, ive seen a change in her behavior. Discussion was Sunday night and Monday she went to grocery store, cooked and cldaned. Also cooked and cleaned Tuesday.
This morning she met with a councilor to sort out whatver she is going thru and im sure her our marital sitch is front and center. We have a couple of trips planned the next few months, my son has a baseball tourny in NC and we will be moving my daughter into college in Sept. College trip booked and i just finished up sons baseball tourny booking. Final piece was deciding if wd wanted to drive or fly. Last week she said that she was thinking about going home early on Wed, tourny ends Friday, so she could save hed vaca time. (Im curious if she was thinking about making plans of her own). Today i found a really good deal on Flights so i texted her to let her know. Her response, minx you as she just got out of therapy, was; "only if you want me to go". My only response was "booked".
I dont know what to make of her change but i know that i asserted myself on Sunday night and told hed in no uncertain terms that if this all blowsup, that its on her and that the kids are staying with me and that im not putting on a unified front facade like she wants. Basically to act like its a mutual decision and that we both wanted it.
Im prepared for anything and im not falling victim to a be nice ploy so that i end up getting stabbed in the back. I hope the therapy and no more Mr. Nice Guy will bring meaningful change. I still love my wife and want to keep our family together. Way too much invested to let it go!!! Even though thats what im doing using the db method#
I'm sorry you are having a tough day. I think this partly due to the fact nothing was really resolved during your outburst (that I could see). She never responded to what you said. She may continue to carry on as things were, until or unless you confront her again. You did not require anything of her, and you did not state a boundary.
Here is the post describing the confrontation:
Quote:
Things boiled over last night. We were putting lights out and she nade a snide comment so i had just had enough; i said why dont you just move out. I know what you are doing and with whom(i didnt say a source or divulge everything i know). But i said enough is enough...if you really want to live a single carefree life, go right ahead. The kids are staying with me. Especially since ive been thr sole caretaker for some time now. I know i shouldnt have but i layed into the om as well. She didnt respond other than an occasional sigh, but her lack of response was telling...my gut was telling me she wanted to come clean but never would. But there is no denying that she knows i know.
She never made any comments, admissions, or denials.
You say her behavior has changed. In what way? Cooking a few meals and doing some cleaning for the family is not enough. This is to throw you off, so put no credit into any of it. She has not discussed anything with you about the MR, her intentions, etc. She went to a counseling session, probably to determine if she stays or leaves right now. What has her demeanor been, since you told her to leave if she wanted out?
You could be in this type of limbo for quite a while, not knowing what she plans to do, trying to read something into her every action, trying to read her mind, and nothing being addressed or resolved.
Did you read my previous post before you closed your thread?
I expect her to play this game, where she cooks & cleans for a few days, and maybe even spend some evening at home. She'll finally taper off with all of that stuff......while nothing else changes in the relationship. In the meantime, she'll go with you on the trips as planned.
All the blowup amounted to was alerting her that you suspect another guy. You gave her the choice to leave. If you decide to have another confrontation, don't do it as a reaction from your emotions building up. Whatever you have to say, speak from a place of calm strength & confidence, and not emotions. It's important to know what you will say in advance, b/c you usually just get one shot.
Making snide remarks about the other guy does not intimidate her nor make her feel guilty. If she is concerned about what you know or what you'll do, she take the affair deeper underground......so as to make you think it has ended.
I don't think you'll know anything definitely from her. Since she has been looking at other places, she may start planning her departure after the trip to get the oldest child settled in school. All I know is that you can't go by anything you thought was an agreement with her (if it was not a legal document). You can't trust her.
So, she still pretty much holds all the power, as far as I can tell.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Her demeanor has been sheepish. Shes been staying home, engaging the kids and cleaning. A 180. Instead of sitting on her phone shes been watching movies with my kids. I also woke up this morning to find her head right next to mine.
She's gone into her "Good Girl" mode. It's not real. It won't last. She is either doing it to throw you off the affair scent, or as fake justification of her trying to make things work. Actually, I suspect it is both. She can say she did everything....even went to counseling, but it just didn't work out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So should i just continue with detaching and GAL? When i confirm, unequivocally that there is an affai, i will comfront her and ask her to leave. Depending on her reaction, i may entertain the possibility of living together if she resigns from that company and leaves OM. Im going to the gym, asserting myself w confidence, having great success at work...anything that im missing? Im determined to fight for marriage. I WILL NEVER QUIT!!
Thank you. It really helps to talk about this stuff with folks who have lived it.
Ivr been asking myself....is there anyway that im reaching on the om thing? I know its all circumstantial, but its overwhelming, right? What are the odds that all of these things are coincidence? Even down to her phone, Siris suggestions included, email Brian??????
