ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I'm not sure about the conflicting advice because I wasn't one of the ones who offered advice, but I've been following your thread and one question I have is 'what's the rush?' Another question is, 'what if starting over as friends is the path to reconciliation and a full relationship?'
It seems trust needs to be re-built and things need time to evolve naturally. Perhaps you don't need to arbitrarily ask her out but what if there happens to be an event coming up that touches on something you and she used to enjoy together? Like if you used to attend the annual auto show together, or if you had a special place you'd go together to watch the 4th of July fireworks? What if one of your old mutual friends happens to be coming to town and you think she might like to see that person when you meet up with him or her...
In such case there'd be a reason why you're asking her out and she'd have a reason to say yes outside of simply implying to one another that it's a date to see if you can rekindle the romantic interest.
I guess I always look for the middle road but perhaps others will continue to tell you to go one way or the other and it's up to you to decide!
Hi Nicole, thanks for your post. Actually I've tried that...with the concert last month. That was something we did together every year and she hesitantly declined. This is where poster Artista says I have, in fact, initiated opportunities for her and I to go out and she didn't. To me asking her to that concert was the perfect scenario as you describe. It was something that we both did and enjoyed in the past. So that's where yet more confusion comes in. Wasn't that an alpha male move on my part? So it's confusing. My last post in the previous thread describes my confusion perfectly. A person can't be passive and aggressive at the same time. Yet the advice seems to be to do both. Have my picnic and wait for her to come out of the castle or just be aggressive and ask her out which would obviously reveal my intentions which is not maintaining a friendship with her.
I have thought about what you said though, that seeing where this friendship leads. Other relationship sites call the process a "False Friendship* whereby I essentially pretend I'm her friend and slowly move her into a relationship. I'm just not sure I have a lot of faith in that notion, butbit does exist and supposedly worked for some people.
The core of the issue here is whether I am supposed to be picnicing alone and waiting for her to come out of the castle or if I am supposed to be the alpha male and just outright invite her to my oicnic. Those are just two completely polar opposite different options to me thus my confusion.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I hear what you're saying. I'm guessing you choose one approach and give it sufficient time to work or not work, then you shift to another approach to get better results. It sounds like the picnicking approach isn't yielding results so it's soon time to shift to the alpha male one, but my concern would be whether it's premature to shift approaches. If there's no other woman on the horizon you could theoretically give it a little more time, like a few weeks or months, but if that doesn't work for you then the alpha male approach could give you faster results. It's tough figuring out how to navigate these situations because you don't want to make a mistake that could end the reconciliation process by accident.
Exactky Nicole! That's exactly right! One wrong move and it's over. If I ask her out too soon she will know I want her back and then once that happens I'm expendable to her. That's what I'm trying to avoid here. As long as she's doing the work...ie: intiating contact (or coming out of the castle) then I am keeping control. the minute she realizes I want her back then this becomes a completely different ball game...and kiss the alpha male me goodbye in her eyes.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Forget about the picnic BS. Wait until she texts you anything and say "great to hear from you when are you free to get together" if she gives you a date and time say great "I'll pick you up Saturday at 8:00". Plan a fun date. Not the movies or going to her house. If she doesn't make a day and time for you. No problem it's her loss and tell her to call you if she changes her mind.
Your problem is you are to indecisive and are not congruent with you words. You say you don't want a friendship and only something romantic but all you are doing right now is allowing her to friend zone you.
Friendship is an important foundation to build a new, deeper relationship upon.
I tend to agree with Nicole on this. Just because you tried getting her to go to that concert with you previously, it does not mean that you cannot use a similar approach again. You said she was hesitant and has continued to remain in contact with you since. Instead of presenting it like a date, maybe say that you are doing blah-blah or whatever and ask if she wants to tag along. Make it clear that it will not affect your plans if she agrees or not. Maybe it would be better if it was something where it would involve at least one other person, like an old mutual friend or something and she would feel less pressure, but still creating an opportunity to continue to build a new emotional connection with her to lay the groundwork for a potential new relationship.
I think many of the principles inherent to DBing can definitely still apply in this sitch. But if you are legitimately interested in pursuing a new relationship with her, it has to start with emotional reconnection and friendship - but not unconditional friendship. You have developed your sense of self from what I have read of your story and you know how to set boundaries now. I wish you all the best and I hope you can successfully rekindle things if that is what you really want.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
The alpha male thing to do is create a handmade invitation by folding an 8.5x11 piece of paper into quarters. Get some crayons and draw a picture in the front. Inside the invitation you write:
I like you. Do you like me? Check one.
>>>>__Yes >>>>__No (don't check this one)
Will you go on a picnic with me so that I don't have to be a lonely loser? Check one.
Came back to read it again! I am still laughing my a$$ off! Sorry IH - not laughing at you at all, but doodler has a mysterious way and this is just gold!
