My .02 cents on the whole lying about the pregnancy?
You say she is a master manipulator. However, the only person who believed her was you. It seems as if everyone else saw through her. You defended her. So, she was only good at manipulating you.
Of course, because you loved her and didt want to believe anything bad. The question is why did you believe her and no one else and defend her to the bone?
I can speak from personal experience. There were other women exH lied to me about when we were dating. My friends knew he was lying. Everyone knew. But all I had to hear him say was I didnt do it. That was enough for me! WHy? Well, therapy and facing reality told me why. Because I was just about in the most awful place in my life when I met him. I couldnt bear to lose him. So I believed what I wanted to. I wouldnt have told you that back then, but I know I did it now.
Usually there is a reason why we trust those who arent trustworthy. Why we choose to believe them when those we love and are close to us tell us otherwise. And maybe our gut tells us not to trust either. But we do it because....
What made you trust her more than your family and friends who didn't believe her after knowing her for a short time? Were you terrified to lose her? if so, then why?
This is where you begin to be honest with yourself. Being brutually honest with myself was the hardest part of this process but very relieving when you put the pieces together.
Instead of wasting so much energy trying to figure out why she did what she did, you would be much better served trying to figure out why you did what you did. Why you jumped in so fast, why you trusted her so explicitly when she really didnt give you any reason to. Why you defended her so hard when your family could see right through her.
time to get to the bottom of why Orange K does what he does instead of why she does what she does.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/20/1809:39 PM. Reason: restored post
My .02 cents on the whole lying about the pregnancy?
You say she is a master manipulator. However, the only person who believed her was you. It seems as if everyone else saw through her. You defended her. So, she was only good at manipulating you.
Of course, because you loved her and didt want to believe anything bad. The question is why did you believe her and no one else and defend her to the bone?
I can speak from personal experience. There were other women exH lied to me about when we were dating. My friends knew he was lying. Everyone knew. But all I had to hear him say was I didnt do it. That was enough for me! WHy? Well, therapy and facing reality told me why. Because I was just about in the most awful place in my life when I met him. I couldnt bear to lose him. So I believed what I wanted to. I wouldnt have told you that back then, but I know I did it now.
Usually there is a reason why we trust those who arent trustworthy. Why we choose to believe them when those we love and are close to us tell us otherwise. And maybe our gut tells us not to trust either. But we do it because....
What made you trust her more than your family and friends who didn't believe her after knowing her for a short time? Were you terrified to lose her? if so, then why?
This is where you begin to be honest with yourself. Being brutually honest with myself was the hardest part of this process but very relieving when you put the pieces together.
Instead of wasting so much energy trying to figure out why she did what she did, you would be much better served trying to figure out why you did what you did. Why you jumped in so fast, why you trusted her so explicitly when she really didnt give you any reason to. Why you defended her so hard when your family could see right through her.
time to get to the bottom of why Orange K does what he does instead of why she does what she does.
I want to chime in and say that this post is gold, Ginger. Seriously. Orange, please internalize all of these words and know this is the most important thing for you to understand and focus on right now. I am in the same boat; you are not alone.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Sorry to chime in here but the quote that she has to suffer zero consequences hit a nerve with me because I too have moments where I think about that. In my sitch, we are rebuilding/reconnecting whatever we might call it but she gets to go to a beautiful part of the country to start her PhD and depending if her fellowship goes through she may have to rely on my income and on weak moments I am like: you haven't really suffered consequences.
It's actually not true, several close friends were aware of her PA after I foolishly in a desperate and weak moment told them when I discovered it. And while we are healing I am still struggling with that knowledge. But I did play a (major) role in our MR going downhill. But she herself said that while she was with OM she started thinking about what she was about to lose with me. She had conversations with a childhood friend how she felt so bad about what she put me through and how I was supportive for her. She had these conversations long before she told me ILY again. So you don't know what your W is going through but even if she doesn't have any of that: is that really someone you want to be with? As long as she is a good mom to S3 the two of you can go your own ways and SOMEONE will notice you and appreciate you for who you are. This is not easy....
As to the nerd in you...I have always felt that the Jedi were too rigid and that a code mixing the Jedi and Sith is the right way to live. (and going completely off topic for a second which is why I LOVED the Last Jedi as it seems to hint at some of that).
Maika made a comment about female ICs being better. I am actually curious about that. I do think women are better at handling these type of situations but the male ones can have that as well. I think YMMV but my approach would be someone you feel comfortable with regardless if they are male or female. Ask them about their approach in these situations. It may very well be that women are better able to deal with these situations but that is an outcome of our society and especially about how we convey masculinity (especially in the US).
Long story short: GAL and focus on yourself (and S3) may be the best thing you do. While my journey was relatively short and I had daily contact with my W I can tell you that I felt better about myself whenever I allowed myself to GAL. I noticed my W really noticing that as well. It was when I focused too much on the MR when I really needed to give her (and myself) space that I felt worse and that our interaction suffered. This is extremely hard. I still struggle with it (I have been largely emotionally focused on her for almost our entire relationship and especially the past year and a half was rough. Heck, I am typing on here instead of working on an article I said I would work on.)
