From your last two posts it's evident that your all over the place...and that's only natural. What I will say is, time really does help with this.
It's been 9 months since my h moved out permanently and I can honestly say I've reached the stage where thinking about him doesn't have that yoyo effect in my head.
I had counselling which helped enormously during those first few months, and I have the occasional wobbles but I feel now our separation was for the best...I'm a better person now than I was when we were together. I work harder, am less emotional, less fixated on a marriage that was stagnant and just happier.
So carry on working on yourself, it will be a huge leap in your personal growth...a very attractive quality and great for your emotional health.
Btw, OM isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination...he's having an affair with a married woman.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Could someone please just give me a little more info on rule 36- stay away from the bar scene? That would be one of my main places to head too in order to GAL. I love a good dance and have already been to a few clubs since W left.
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
I was very surprised that she actually got me a few things off the kids.
I have just seen on FB that she has a separate account wich has only a couple of our joint friends and non of her family. She was probably using this before hand to message with OM and so she can start putting pics up of her and OM.
Really could of done without seeing it today. Time to forget and focus on the kids.
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
Raw- You need to focus on you . Don't check social media. You should only worry about things in your control-YOU. Learn to detach. Good luck on your journey.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Could someone please just give me a little more info on rule 36- stay away from the bar scene? That would be one of my main places to head too in order to GAL. I love a good dance and have already been to a few clubs since W left.
I believe that sandi's point with this is that hooking up with someone during DBing still only further complicate matters. So stay away from the temptation. Find other GAL activities. A men's group is one ofmy favorite suggestions. Getting back toa more masculine place cajun help those who are not self differentiated after years of marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Raw - I've been following your sitch and it is so so similar to mine (take a look when you get chance), and we are at very similar stages. My W hasn't moved out yet (which brings its own challenges), but everything else you describe and your rollercoaster emotions is precisely what I'm going through. Particularly the "where has the woman that I married gone" feeling - I find myself incredulous that in such a short space of time (I am 8 weeks post BD), she has revealed herself to be someone I just don't know anymore.
Of course, the answer is she has been that different person for a long time, but has been acting for my benefit - or rather hers, whilst see decides whether or not she has the bottle to destroy everything we have created together. WAWs I have learned are very good at that, and it takes a lot and and a long time for them to make a decision, and when they do, at that point they are too far gone to be turned. We are in shock, it's come out of the blue (because we are very good at missing all the signs), and are playing catch-up and fast, and its why DB'ing, detaching, giving them space to see whether the grass is really greener as it appears in their heads, is the only way we can have any chance of having them rediscover that person they were when we were first married.
Yep, Father's Day today. My W is up with her parents 'telling them' about our sitch, so I took my kids out for lunch which was really nice. They are blissfully unaware. I feel sad that their world is about the change forever, but if that's the way it goes, they'll cope I'm sure. As will I.
I'd agree with Steve85 though - GAL where you can, but it's too early to complicate matters with third parties, and you also want to be the one with the moral compass and showing your children the right way to behave in this situation. When they are older and find out about this, it will be you that they respect, not your W. That's how I feel, as tempting as it is to start to look around, it's not the right time.
Keep your chin up, keep working on yourself, LRT, detachment, and hopefully your W will realise what she is missing. You sound like a great guy, with your priorities in the right place, and she just needs the time and space to get that. I'm thinking the same about my W, although for me, I pretty sure it's all too late and we're done.
Anyway, best of luck, and I 'll keep an eye on your progress. I'm rooting for you...
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Thanks 40 So it is the temptation I have to try to avoid. I have been out and did have the chance to get down and dirty but just had my dance said thank you to the nice lady and went home. I used to work in an environment with lots of females and did flirt and feel that this gave me much more confidence when I first met my W and continued to work in that environment but never took any wayward action- it was just fun. I changed Jobs to quite solo role just as my DD was born and looking back I do feel I lost my confidence as I no longer had this boosting me up and maybe this is when I lost my balls. I feel I need to find this confidence but think I will only get it through being noticed by other woman- I can see this being a slippy slope though especially after a drink but this was never my character before. I am constantly being told by my friends to go sleeping around to get me over W but I never did sleeping around before and do not intend on doing it now. I look better than I have looked in years and feel just being noticed will give me more of a boost to get me back to who I used to be. Do you still I should avoid the bar scene?
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
Could someone please just give me a little more info on rule 36- stay away from the bar scene? That would be one of my main places to head too in order to GAL. I love a good dance and have already been to a few clubs since W left.
This list was originally written as a response to a newcomer I had been posting. He had no idea where to start or what type of actions to implement. He had already gotten in a bit of trouble at the bar (won't get into all of it), as well as few other newcomer LBH's at the time. Since then, I've learned that some people assume we are talking about going to bars/clubs when we say GAL. Anyway, use you own good judgment. This list is meant as a guideline for newcomers. That's all.
Have you read any of that link I posted to you about WW?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"I look better than I have looked in years and feel just being noticed will give me more of a boost to get me back to who I used to be. Do you still I should avoid the bar scene?"
I hear you Raw. I've done exactly the same thing - looked after myself, gotten fitter than I've ever been, new clothes, looking sharp. That's for me, to feel good about myself. I've really not been 'out out' like you have, just been keeping busy with friends and doing sport for my GAL. Yes, I had one nice mini-encounter (yesterday actually) which boosted my confidence and gave me a feeling that when the time comes, I'll be able to get out there and I'm not past it yet. But it really isn't the time to be tempted to look for that kind of engagement or even revenge in that way.
If things don't work out with you and your W (and I assume you still really want them to), you'll be back in play in no time I'm sure. Hopefully I'll be the same if the time comes. Until then, yes, if temptation is a problem for you, stay away from the bars or places where you can get yourself in situations that you'll regret later. If you end up in a R discussion with W, you can then be honest with her if the question comes up about your own fidelity. You'll lose the moral high ground fast if all of sudden you are no better than she is. Think about that for a while, because I'm sure that's not what you want.
Anyway, just my thoughts and the way I'm playing it. See how you go and stay focused on you and the kids. It will pay dividends, with or without her.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
