Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
This is an update and question. My WAS and I filed for divorce this summer and she moved to another city to be by her family. I have done a good job of GAL and we occasionally exchange friendly texts or calls for various reasons but never just to catch up. I have made it a point to rarely initiate any of the conversations and have been friendly when she contacts me. I had hoped she would consider reconciliation or at least agree to see a counselor together but I have not brought this up with her since we filed. I would like to know what other people feel about my absence strategy long-term or if I should at some point reach out and ask her how she feels about us now that some time has passed. My thinking is that she might feel similar to me but find it awkward to bring it up since we no longer see each other and rarely communicate. It seems like this is something I should do at some point for my own closure if she has not plans to reconsider, but I also feel that there is probably an ideal amount of time to wait before doing so. I appreciate any perspectives on my sitch.
Hi Mr. Sunny, glad to see you post again. Your story is rather vague, so I'd like to ask some questions.
What are your ages? Do you have children together? Are you financially supporting her? Is she working now? What were the old habits you had? Did she enter the dating scene rather quickly after the separation? Have you dated since the split? Did she relocate? Do you follow her on social media?
I realize you may think you asked a simple question and can get a simple answer, but other than telling you to stick to what you are currently doing......I think maybe a little more information might help give us a better picture of your MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sure that makes sense, here are the answers: -Me 46, her 43 -No kids -No support, she is not working -We worked together and we spent much of our time together -Don't think she is dating yet but have not confirmed -Not dating yet but starting to make efforts towards it -She relocated 6 hours away -Not following her on social media
Forgive me if this topic has been covered elsewhere on this forum .....
It appears you and I have the same questions with no answers. I can tell you my sitch has been going on longer and I feel for you. I came to this forum looking for divorce busting advice and really it's more moral support, but nice to talk to others in the same boat. I do wonder how many in this forum actually got back together with their spouses - for good.
Okay, thanks for responding quickly. So, she's not working. Did she sell her part of the business, or how is she making a living for herself?
When she calls, does she ever ask questions about your personal life? If so, then she wants to know if you are interested in another woman. My advice is not to share about your dating life...….or lack of one. Keep it a little mysterious.
Since you mentioned that control was an issue, it may be helpful to get the board's view about how some of the conversations go. B/c it is difficult for the person to see themselves as "controlling". Sometimes, H's try to tell the W how she should or shouldn't feel about a situation. They are "her" feelings, so let her feel however she feels. If you can validate her, then do it. Don't tell her she's wrong, or try to persuade her to think differently. Just listen and validate. I know from experience that it is a hard habit to break, but it is so liberating when you allow her to think and feel for herself.
I don't know what the other problems were in the MR. You said you've stopped, however, it's not the same as when living in the same house together. It may be a matter of having space and time on her own. Sometimes, it takes two or more years of separation. It appears that she wants to maintain some type of attachment, and that's why she continues to initiate contact. If you have a recent text message or something you could post for us to see...….it might gives us a little insight. Otherwise, I think she enjoys her current life and isn't ready for it to change. You can't afford to pursue, b/c it will feel like pressure to her.
Did she move closer to family, or what drew her to that location?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There has been little or no curiosity or inquiry into my life or situation outside of business. She has been somewhat open about her situation and struggles when I have asked (she is fine financially). In a recent communication she told me about some clothes I liked that were on sale. I don't think I would be in danger of pressuring or controlling her if I were to casually ask what she thought about things after some time and just listen as you suggested. I am wondering if I am showing too little interest in her and if that might have a negative effect. I think a soft inquiry to how she feels will probably tell me everything I need to know and let her know that I am still open to it. She will likely say she has moved on and then I can get on with my life as well. If she changes her mind later then I can see how I feel at that time, but I wouldn't want to tie up my life living in a false hope. I have also joined a divorce group and am reading a very good book called: Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. I always have my copy of DR in case someone shows up who is not yet past LRT.
There has been little or no curiosity or inquiry into my life or situation outside of business. She has been somewhat open about her situation and struggles when I have asked (she is fine financially). In a recent communication she told me about some clothes I liked that were on sale. I don't think I would be in danger of pressuring or controlling her if I were to casually ask what she thought about things after some time and just listen as you suggested. I am wondering if I am showing too little interest in her and if that might have a negative effect. I think a soft inquiry to how she feels will probably tell me everything I need to know and let her know that I am still open to it. She will likely say she has moved on and then I can get on with my life as well. If she changes her mind later then I can see how I feel at that time, but I wouldn't want to tie up my life living in a false hope. I have also joined a divorce group and am reading a very good book called: Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. I always have my copy of DR in case someone shows up who is not yet past LRT.
Have you read about pursuit and distance?
There is nothing in what you have shared that gives any indication that she is reconsidering her decision to leave. Given that, I think she will absolutely see your "soft inquiry" will be seen as pursuit and will encourage her to move away from you, not toward you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks for your perspective Rose. I guess I am wondering if you are suggesting I never inquire about our relationship again unless she brings it up first. I am also planning to continue to not initiate contacting her unless I have to which is rare and usually only through texts. The question I guess I still have is if there was a chance she might reconsider, would her feelings be dampened by me being distant, or we she likely reach out anyway if she had a change of heart?
