My wife (and business partner) of 15 years told me she was throwing in the towel 11 days ago. We had been separated for 5 weeks and had planned to work things out when she returned. I was initially angry when she abruptly left but over time I came to see how I was being controlling. I read a book she sent and understood her point. I am done with the old habits and feel great. I also offered to take over our business to remove the stress and give her total freedom. I was looking forward to a much better life with her. She started becoming skeptical that I could change quickly after reading some books and then decided to give up shortly after. But the books she read mention extreme examples that don't apply and I no longer act or want to be controlling.
I wrote her a note that I had changed my ways and that her books were mentioning extreme situations. Her therapist also seems to support her belief that I was emotionally abusive (controlling) and I assume is supportive in her decision to leave. I asked her to at least read the Divorce Remedy and would respect her decision either way. The last I heard it was still on her to do list. In the meantime I have stopped the pursuit and have started to get a life and do fun activities.
She moved in with a friend and will be in town for the summer then moving a few hours away with her parents to start a new life. She is upbeat and enjoying her new freedom. We have been getting along really well and I have not mentioned the past or the future since she returned. I have been helping her get her own car and being kind and supportive (as usual). But she is already talking about separate car insurance etc.
Friends and family are telling me that I may have to wait until the euphoria dies down and reality sets in which might be well after she moves away. However the possibility of reconnection will be much more complicated at that point.
I have been a very accommodating and loving husband, but controlling at times and mostly in our business (boss/employee). Since none of my committed efforts have changed anything I am starting to feel this is more of a case of mid-life/walk away.
The questions I have are:
1) Should I act as if I am fine with her decision even though I don't agree with her information or reasoning?
2) I have not apologized in person for my past behavior, I only did so in emails while she was gone. Should I do that now in person or is that talking about the past?
3) Is it okay to politely ask questions that might reveal flaws in her plan to move in with her parents (which would mean talking about the future)?
4) Should I be proactive with starting to separate our assets/accounts or even starting the legal separation process if nothing changes and she prepares to move away?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Her therapist also seems to support her belief that I was emotionally abusive (controlling) and I assume is supportive in her decision to leave.
MrSunny,
It's a common theme around here; the therapist always supports the spouse that they're seeing in therapy. That's because spouses often "spin" the truth (just like a politician) when talking to the therapist or the spouse is just bullsh*tting you about what the therapist thinks or it's a crappy therapist. It could be all three.
To be honest, most likely your wife met someone that she really really likes. I know that in your case it couldn't possibly be true, but hey...
Say I disagree with your decision to divorce but respect it and will not stand in the way of your happiness
Then stop engaging in r talks
And get busy living like an unmarried person
I do not mean dating
And definitely do not do the work to divorce and separate and move
Let her do that work
Separate your finances if it in your best interest
I did that because w was spending like crazy
Okay for you to detach and distance and stop acting like her H and doing stuff for her
She fired you from that job
She is not treating you like a H
But she will let you treat her as a W if it serves her purposes
The faster you can stop feeding the cake the better
No need to be mean and nasty
Just stop doing things without her asking as you used to do as H
If she wants you to do something she can ask you
And when she asks you can choose to say yes or no or I am busy right now
This is very hard to do after so many years
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
1) Should I act as if I am fine with her decision even though I don't agree with her information or reasoning?
2) I have not apologized in person for my past behavior, I only did so in emails while she was gone. Should I do that now in person or is that talking about the past?
3) Is it okay to politely ask questions that might reveal flaws in her plan to move in with her parents (which would mean talking about the future)?
4) Should I be proactive with starting to separate our assets/accounts or even starting the legal separation process if nothing changes and she prepares to move away?
None of these, except maybe #4, have anything to do with LRT. Are you sure you know what LRT is?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wouldn't go apologizing too much. I don't think it will mean much to her anyways.
I wouldn't ask about any flaws in her plan. It's going to have a bunch and you won't be able to do anything about them.
Assets? Talk to a lawyer and you'll have to post more info than that if you want more advice on the finances (not being rude, but every situation is different).
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes, act positive and friendly but in a detached way. You want to take the pressure off of her. She knows you dont approve of what she wants to do, but you have to show her that you respect that she has the right as a person to choose for herself.
Dont apologize now. Words are cheap, she will only respect consistent actions over time.
Definitely dont try to point out flaws in her plan. If they are there she will discover them on her own. Read the validation thread. Listen well and validate. You arent going to convince her of anything at this point.
I would definitely separate financially if it is good for you. It can protect you but also give her more independence. I just did it with my wife. I would not file for an official separation agreement unless you want to or it serves a specific purpose in your case. Let the WAW take the lead on all that sort of paperwork which leads to divorce.
Good luck.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I really appreciate all of the different perspectives everyone is sharing. It is really helping me to formulate a friendly but also respectable approach going forward.
Posted in a different thread as you asked the Q there, but bringing my response to your thread. It's below:
-------------------------------------
Extremely bad move Sunny!
The DR book in LRT is for you and only you! It is there to get you grounded to make authentic changes. If she knows what you're trying to do, you've just undermined your ability to be authentic about your changes and she will view everything with more suspicion.
now she knows your lack of pursuit is based on the book and not just an honest move on your part to get things to an equilibrium. I wish you had come here first before giving her the book.
the point is for her to notice your life changes as they come from a place of wonder and mystery. now she'll potentially think all of this is for her to start coming back to you, rather than wondering what is going on with you. giving her the playbook just kills the mystery and makes this process look calculated, rather than organic. Even if you stick to it and make those changes and they are organic, it will take a lot longer for her to take you seriously and not think that this is some recipe you're following and once she's back in, you'll revert back to how you were.
anyways, can't undo this now. wish you all the best. that's why all LBS should come here and post what they want to do, and what they're going to write in a letter etc etc. You have no way of discerning what's good and what's not in the beginning, esp cuz DB is counter intuitive to what your mind is telling you to do.
so, even though this is a bad mistake, continue on the DB journey and shut up about it and the book. see where it goes from here. LRT is called LRT for a reason and if you're at LRT, you don't show the other person your cards. This is not business as usual and she is not the same person as you knew her.
Forgive me if this topic has been covered elsewhere on this forum but I was curious to hear any stories from those affected by a WAS who moved out or separated and how it turned out for them (could be you or someone you know). Did you eventually get back together?
If so, how long was the process, what was the experience like during and after the reconnection, and what observations do you have for others going through it?
If it ended with D, how long did it take for that to play out and at what point did you decide to stop hoping for their return and start a new life?
Last edited by Cadet; 06/11/1811:46 AM. Reason: Combine posts
