I will try to tell my story of divorce busting. This year is our 10 year anniversary. We are still married. I dare say happily married. I guess my story is a success story. We have been in an overall great relationship for several years now, which I thought was absolutely impossible at the time.
It started about 8 years ago. My wife and I had been a family for two years we had a longer relationship. Our daughter was about a year old. That s when I discovered that she had an affair and she was on the way of leaving. I probably do not need to explain to you what a shock it was, and how difficult it was to recover. All I can say is that it took me years to get my footing. It took a lot of time, efforts, luck, favorable circumstances, and last but not least, my wife s common sense to make our marriage work.
Initially, I made all the mistakes that others in the forum have made. I tortured myself endlessly for months. When I look back I find out that a lot of my tortures seem quite unimportant, even pointless now. I did all the pursuing, raging, self deprecating I struggled to get a life (partially because we were in a new place), I did not work on myself. It took months before I started to detach and GAL. And it took about a year before I realized that I would be fine even if she left.
The story began when we got our green cards. The plan was that I will move to the US first I had lived here before to look for a job, and she and the baby will move with me in a few months. The problem was that it was 2009, and jobs were not plentiful to say the least. I was working part time when my wife came. I noticed from the very beginning that something was different, but I could not figure out what. I attributed it to our money problems, my lack of stable job etc.
We constantly argued, about money, about my inability to spend time with my D, about everything. I was blind to the massive rift between us, until one day we had this nasty argument, I said (shouted) What do you want me to do about something ? and she said I do not want you to do anything . It was obvious that she meant it in general. I could not sleep all night.
A few weeks later, we drove to NY where my wife had a job interview. We stayed our friends place. I was checking my email on my wife s laptop, when I saw the skype messages with OM. It was an utter shock. It was clear they were in love. I felt like a complete idiot. The most idiotic part (which I would never forget) was that for a split second I thought this must be her brother, before I realized that nobody talks like that to their brother.
I am now very happy that we were in other people s home. I am also very proud how I handled myself the next few days. I said nothing, let my wife go through the job interview and drover my crumbling family back to Maryland the next day.
We had numerous talks then. I no longer remember the details. I just remember the constant whirlpool of emotions, rage, panic, even brief fits of euphoria when I figured out in my imagination how I would show them. I remember the constant pursuing. Some of it was a bit shameful reading her emails . Some quite absurd asking her why she is locking herself in the bathroom . During that time, I started running. I have never been a runner but back then I woke up in random hours of the morning and running was the only thing to do. I ran to exhausture which turned out to be very therapeutic.
A few weeks later she got a job offer and we started packing for NY. It was very surreal to move to a new place not knowing exactly why. However, there was no point for me to stay in Maryland. I was only working part time, had no friends there. Also, I thought that if she left alone, that automatically would put an end to our relationship. She, needed the help of course even though she had told me she did not need a husband.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/22/1807:11 PM. Reason: restored post
Welcome to the board, and thanks for your story. It is always good to hear people that have come through the storm and out the other side.
You mention financial stress as a big source of your problems, but what 180s did you do to help turn your sitch around?
Also, if you could spend some time enumerating two lists for us: things that worked, and things that didn't.
I am a big on saying that everyone's sitch is different. However, there are similarities between sitches. One of the similarities between our sitches is that we caught the A and confronted it prior to WAS initiated BD. I really think that makes a big difference on how you should proceed. Obviously when a WAS comes to you and says that they are done with the MR and moving out, or leaving the MBR, or taking other huge steps right away, the way that the LBS should proceed is a lot different than in our sitches.
For instance, I've mentioned in my thread that I instituted another experts "talk charges" and "touch charges". Talk charges are short conversations you have with your spouse about fun, or exciting, or interesting topics, and then you end the conversation. They should be 30-60 seconds and can even be done over VM. The touch charges are non-sexual touching of your spouse. It can be as simple as placing your hand on their shoulder as you pass behind them in the kitchen, or even laying close to them in bed in the morning before getting up for the day.
I do not believe those tactics work after a WAS initiated BD, but it can work if your sitch is caught prior to that. Since it is a sort of pursuit, your S needs to still be open to that sort of activity for it to do more good than harm.
I had some posters suggest that small pursuits like that couldn't work along with DB techniques, however, I really think it did in my sitch since detaching and self-differentiating and letting her go start to bring her out of her fog fairly early on, and then the small pursuits gave her a sense that she could be safe again in the MR.
My situation was also different than a lot of others (and it appears yours was this too) in that her EA was long distance and online only. And that the OM ended it fairly quickly after I discovered it.
Fascinating topic since we tend to get so few to come back and share their stories post D or R.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It sure seems like that is only part of the story. I think a lot of us would love to hear the rest. Success stories are hard to come by around here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Everyone who goes through one of these situations and recovers their lives, either with or without their WAS, is a success story.
The blessing for all of us is that the pain and stress provide motivation for real change.
Its a rare opportunity in life to find motivation really evaluate who you are and who you want to be.
From my perspective, someone who saves their marriage but goes back to their old habits and resolves themselves to a life of unhappiness is not a success story.
Someone who ends up with a divorce but moves on to healthier and happier relationships has succeeded.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yup, couldn't agree more with what Acc said. I consider myself a success story and my MR is heading to a D. But guess what, I am at peace with it and myself. My success is measured by my own growth and I can tell you, I have grown leaps and bounds. It was hard, uncomfortable, and I stared down the flawed man in the mirror. I am still a flawed person, we all are, but I have so much more in the amazing category that it overshadows the flaws. I also know that what I now bring to the table as a friend, partner, father, is on a whole new level.
I will not go back to my MR as it was. I will not settle for my W with all the issues she has. That would be moving backwards. If she agrees to work on her issues and I see serious changes in her that are long-lasting, then I will cross that bridge if it ever comes - and I know it won't come in my timeline as I know my W and I know what she will and won't do. But that's on her, not me.
So, figure out what your success is going to look like. If your measurement is that you got your partner back, but still in the same $hitty dynamic, then is that really success?
I'd encourage you to go to the piecing section and read some of the threads there. It is hardly a walk in the park. I would do it, but I have my non-negotiables and I am more than willing to walk away if W does not meet them.
Get to the point where you work on your flaws, get your self-worth back, know your value, and realize you will not settle for less. That is my marker for success.
