Quoting Padawan: Could you try to explain what may have helped transition your h from giving you the "feeling" or "acting as if" he was working towards a better R and actually verbally acknowleging that fact or actually being able to read/discuss what would make the R better without H getting tense about it?
I've been reading some of your earlier threads, but I haven't been able to discern what it might have been other than just time and a building of confidence within each of you.
Padawan - Making slow progress, but progress none the less
Hi Padawan,
Hmmm...so...my husband has never come out and said "I'm working on this M" or "I am recommitted to our M". I'd love to hear those words in such a direct format from him but I suspect that I won't. (well, as long as we're talking about this, I'd love it if we could renew our vows...)
anyway...and we don't have sit down, pointed conversations aobut our r. I think that we're evolving towards being able to talk about the r. stuff but I doubt we'll ever be the kind of couple that plans r talk time or even overtly acknowledges that we're talking about an R issue.
What HAS made the difference is that I finally realized that the way that h was showing his recommitment was through actions and also through words (but not the ones that I was necessarily waiting to hear). Once I realized that over and over again, it was easier for me to show appreciation and confidence to him and it just perpetuates the cycle.
How did I see that h was TELLING me that he was HERE with me?
* Going out of my way to notice and journal three positives every day and thanking him for at least one of them (if not all)
* Learning a lot about communication style differences
* Reading "5 love languages" so I could see how he might be showing his love differently than I expect
* Really quieting my mind so that I can HEAR what he's saying to me
* Re-reading my threads when I got stuck (those "3 positives" really stuck out)
* getting whacked by a 2x4 or two by my pals here to see all the good stuff around me!
* recognizing and acknowledging that h doesn't have to communicate the way that I do. Releasing him and myself from that boundary has made all the difference (note that this is not STATED to h. I just remind myself to appreciate his style)
Does that help any?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi sage, Its been to long since I dropped by last, but it sounds like it keeps getting better and better...
Quoting sage: What scares me a bit is how hard I have to listen to hear it ... NOT because he's not saying it clearly but because of the the cobwebs and noise in my brain (the ASSumptions, expecations, rampant thoughts, etc.). I'm working, working, working on brushing those aside.
Practice ... Practice ...Practice ...Practice ... When you do it often enough it will become habit and habits have a way of becoming second nature to us!
Quoting sage: I'm still scared...that I'm going to get hurt...that I'm going to take him for granted again...that my anger will return, his distance, too...that fidelity will be an issue again...but, I don't know, I feel like I have the tools to get through that...to keep us strong and positive and moving forward.
Oh this is quite commonplace! ... Matilda, Racheal M, Lily, Andy & I went around and around with this last summer, if you were to read our threads back then. I'm of the opinion that ... So long as you strive to remain true to who you want to be, then your spouse will have no reason to again ever doubt their decision to love you. Dbing is for life, and the strife that we have had to endure to reach this stage I believe will always embed Dbing in the forefront of our minds so we would never take anything that so important to us for granted again...
Alot of our old behavior patterns took years to develop to the point of us being comfortable with them to the point of them seeming natural to us ... some even from our childhood. So in relative, our new behaviors born from DBing is way to new to us, for us to be comfortable with them yet. It will take years, like relearning a whole new childhood worth of stuff, before we get comfortable again this time with our new behaviors.
Your list of "salient points" from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was just what I needed. My H and I watched one of Gray's videos years back and I was impressed with what he had to say.
Unfortunately, I seem to need frequent reminders - taps on the shoulder. Your list left a bruise (good ones). I pasted the list on to my hard drive for quick self tapping in the future.
1. H called me and sang another ILY song. He is a very funny and smart guy (romantic, too!)
2. H has been so super conscious of our budget. I really appreciate this...in the past, I've always felt as though I was the only one who was handling the $
3. H has been sharing so many thoughts about his starting Law School. It's great to feel like part of the process!
Taking the day off from work tomorrow to go to the Red Sox game and then to see "To Kill a Mockingbird" at night. Should be an awesome weekend.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Yes that helped, I've been wondering if we were actually to the piecing stage and have sorta been waiting to hear conformation from my W. This is one of those unrealistic expectations isn't it . I see visual confirmation of good progress, but the "need freak" in me wants more ... My "need freak" NEEDS a 2x4 once in a while.
It just seems like it would be more efficient to set the feelings aside for bit and talk about whats working and what isn't in the M.
Renewing VOWs someday would be so cool.
Does your H know about the BB, I think my W would be upset about it at this point.
Quoting Padawan: Does your H know about the BB, I think my W would be upset about it at this point.
Padawan
Early on, I mentioned the BB to h (I was meeting some local DB'ers for breakfast). I haven't gone into detail about it.
There ARE times, though, when I feel as though he does know about it and has read my posts. If so, it seems to not have had a negative effect so that's all cool with me!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage: thanks for that list of venus and mars....
Quote: I think that we're evolving towards being able to talk about the r. stuff but I doubt we'll ever be the kind of couple that plans r talk time or even overtly acknowledges that we're talking about an R issue.
It is nice to know me and my h arent the only couple who dont initiate or plans R talks as a formal way...!!... sometimes i doubt if we need that kind of talks... but after reading you it seems our kind of men doesnt like too intense words, they like more actions words...!!... Go ahead, and receive a big hug... andrea
. I see visual confirmation of good progress, but the "need freak" in me wants more ... My "need freak" NEEDS a 2x4 once in a while. 