You know, my H is your twin so I can relate. H is verrryyy sensitive to everything. I think it's great that you both talked. It's ok to FEEL mad, frustrated, etc.. but what you do with those Feelings, i.e your ACTIONS can be right or wrong.
I think just really listening to what he says, he wants you to say please and be more open to sex/ increase the frequency. I would just go along with that, but continue to be honest about your feelings like you have.
Maybe since H was coming home early, he had expectations of being with you but when he did get home and your family was over, it dissapointed him. Who knows?
Yesterday, H said he was feeling crabby but did not know why.
haven't checked my own thread today, so I could be locked out. Geez I hate starting a new thread...too much work! (I can never remember how to copy over the urls for old threads)
You know, funny, but when you were writing about asking your H to watch the kids so you could help B, my first thought was...I thought he was starving, what happened to that sandwhich?
Hey, but you guys talked about it!!! Come on! Look how the night turned out!
This IS how things improve...by having these "moments" , but working through them, rather than letting them slide and fester.
You mentioned that you think your H is an alcoholic, or at least has some "issues" around alcohol. What you describe about his "martyr" personality would certainly fit, but I don't see anything here about his drinking. Has it come up in conversation? What does he think about his drinking?
Luckily, my H is sober again and "only" had a brief one-week relapse back in March (the only time he has drank since we have been together.) He is attending AA regularly and is establishing his sobriety day by day.
Best of luck to you. Piecing is so very hard, isn't it? It sounds like you are definitely trying very hard to be honest and to communicate your feelings as they happen. You are also trying to be very accomodating in a loving way. I'm sure he's trying, too, but it is probably harder for him. Not an excuse, but an explanation.
Hi Nik, Can you believe it, my computer went kaput last week, the motherboard has gone so I couldn,t get back in to talk to you guys. So frustrsting. I've really missed being here because I really felt over the last week that I NEED this BB to help keep things on track.
I will check out your sitch soon.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Thanks for your reply. I wish I had been able to get back here sooner, as it is I am using a computer at the library because my one is bust.
I raised the alcohol issue with him when we first got back together. He just said don't even go there. I just don't know what to make of that reply. Does it mean he is aware and would rather I left him to work his own way out? We always have our worst fights when he has been drinking too much, he is a very sober alcoholic in that the alcohol appears to have little effect on him, but it is insidious. Suddenly some unprovoked nastiness will come out and I have no idea why. Then later I will find the evidence - two empty wine bottles instead of one or whatever.
I think it is a huge part of the problem with us. He is using the alcohol to mask his pain, he doesn't really know what his true feelings are about anything which is why he is indecisive, moody and feels like he is being stepped on. I bend over backwards to try and hear him and find out what he wants but sometimes I feel like he has so lost touch with his feelings that he genuinely doesn't know. Then when it turns out he hasn't got what he wants he blames me for stepping on him.
I will check on your sitch soon.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Thanks Shiny for your encouragement. We had another weird weekend and I am beginning to feel like it has all been a waste of time, he will never change, I married the wrong persom etc etc. I know that is a very dispairing way to look at it but he just seems to NEED so much. He is thrown off course by the tiniest of disappointments and stresses and never seems to just let go of stuff. Nothing I say or do ever seems to help, when we got back together he said he felt I had been blanking him and ignoring when he felt bad. This was because I felt like I had gone through every other option and finally decided that him being a moody bugger was not my responsibility.
We had a row at the weekend, I can't go into details now, no time. But for the first time I started to spell out to him how being around him feels to me, and that I have been trying to work on myself and make myself less controlling, less critical etc and that it is time he started to work on himself. How selfish I feel he is, everything has to stop because HE needs a cigarette or HE needs a beer or HE needs his sleep I am always the backstop, I always have been for him.
Something hit home I think, I can't remember what because this was Saturday and now it's tuesday, but he stopped and seemed to think about what I had said. Mood did not really lift next day though, even though row seemed to be patched up.
I feel close to tears all the time at the moment. Just feeling DBing was a waste of time.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
You have come such a long way. Hang in there. Keep using this bb to vent. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. I think really opening up to your H about how you have been feeling is a good thing. Your H and mine and many others just stopped sharing with us many moons ago and look where it landed them. So, sharing the bad and the good things are important.
How are things for you now? It's been a few days since your last post. nik
Have you considered going to Alanon? I don't think you and H are going to make any progress in piecing until your H is sober and working on his alcoholism, if he is indeed and alcoholic. But, of course, you can't make him see that. That's where Alanon comes in. Alanon helps you to detach and take care of yourself much like DB does, but you learn a lot about alcoholism in the process.
Thanks Yashie, I guess you are right, there will be no progress until he has control over his alcohol consumption. I will look into going to alanon. He must be using alcohol to mask his pain - whatever pain that is - and he no longer has control over it.
One of the reasons I decided to keep up R with H when we first got together (apart from feeling like I was in love) was that he had a very straight-forward happy upbringing with parents still together etc. I felt like he was a safe bet (compared with ex). So it has come as a big surprise to me to find he is an emotionally needy person who is often depressed and needs to use alcohol. There is nothing in his background to suggest this should be the case, he comes from a loving family who are there for him. I get the feeling that he has somehow always felt like the outsider in his family and can't really connect with them.
He is a weak person, I am strong. People have described me as strong. I guess it's just a trait like what colour hair or eyes you have. I am emotionally strong, he is not. Nobody's fault. I have to try and understand that about him. Physically I am not strong, I am short and since child-bearing I am not good at lifting anything remotely heavy. Sometimes I feel he feels put upon when I ask him to lift stuff for me, and maybe that is an insight into how I feel when I need to carry him emotionally. I can do it he can't. Just like he can do the heavy lifting, I can't.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
, but working through them, rather than letting them slide and fester.