My Scenario Pt.5 - Big D and Detaching the Monster

[SteveLW]

She was justifying her change. People growing and changing positively is one thing. A spouse falling in love with someone else and tearing their family apart is not "growth". It is negative, selfish, awful change.

Imagine if after marrying her you started banging another chick. She finds out and you say "shouldn't people grow and change?" Do you think she would accept that. These people are so delusional that they can't see their own lunacy. "Growth and change means I can sleep with someone else!" HUH?

Also, she isn't the same person. The person your W is today is not the woman who you married and gave birth to your son. She just isn't. Maybe she is being true to herself now, and she was fake then. Or maybe childbearing, motherhood, wifehood, a combination of them or something else changed her. But regardless, women don't just go back on their commitment without a major change of heart.

Funny you put it that way Steve, i remember asking her "What if i had cheated on you during all this" when we were still talking. She said "I would have left you immediately, it would've been the proof i needed that this relationship really is over"
So its ok for her to do it, but not me.
The amount of crap ive heard that i later realized was her justifying things to herself is astounding.

Sandi, i know my WW isn't your typical case, but i know these justifying feelings and trying to explain their way out of a situation is common. How often, whether they VOICE it or not, do you feel the WW eventually realizes she was trying to fool herself, not her H?

My W said she wishes I would have. It would have made it easier to leave. WWs have skewed thinking. I can remember her begging me in our first years of marriage to never cheat on her. My how they change.

Women marry a man hoping they'll change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't.

We don't. They do. S*cks to be us.

[OrangeK]

I'm still on the fence with the D proceedings too.

Ill break it down in two ways.

Emotionally: I am not ready for this to be the end, we havent spoken, She never filed D. She said she wanted it a few times but never actually did it. I am still tempted to withdraw my entire D proceedings paperwork. I still have a motion to hold proceedings on file and pending. The Judge hasnt touched it. Dunno if he is just busy, as my other motions got processed fairly quickly, or if he is deliberately sitting on them because the May 22nd date is approaching.
When i spoke with Court today she said that could go through at any time and the May 22nd hearing would be pushed back / postponed indefinitely.

Logically: Probably best i move forward with D and let it just happen. I feel like me pulling back at this point will look like pursing / control to WW. Plus if she is as damaged as i believe she is at this point, she needs to be pared away and let to destroy her own life, without my involvement.

My heart and mind are constantly at odds about this.

[OrangeK]

Another Challenge: MIL dropoffs.

Each time i meet with MIL for a drop off i expect some sort of drama, it often doesnt happen.

I need advice, she is my only chanell of communication to WW.
I am always SO TEMPTED to talk to MIL, ask about WW, mention how this all went bad, and how i want to fix it, and so on.
But i know this is self destructive.
Help me maintain control people.
I feel like im going to cave and reach out to WW soon, or talk to her mom or something.
I really expected the TRO to go away last week, now its here for another year.

How do i maintain? What if she is wishing things went different, but cant face the music? what if my M could have been saved and it cant now?
What if i had acted differently and not been such a NGS?
Would she have considered staying?

I miss her.

[JujuB]

If she wants it to work, she will do anything to make it work. Piecing would never be successful unless she was at that state. She is not.

Do not bring your MIL in to this. Do not contact your ex.

Get through each day, one day at a time. When you feel angry go for a run, lift weights. Do something. Run first thing im the morning of you can. Your body meeds some endorphins. Get out with your friends. Talk to an MD to figure out if there is something you can take to get you through this.

You have every right to be angry. Bur you also need to be smart and take control over your actions. Do not contact her.

I went through the same thing months after BD and it was really difficult to not call ex. But you have more of a reason to control yourself. She put a oop on you.

It will get easier. Know that you wont always feel like this.

Fyi, 3 years ago. my ex left me and son in financial ruin. I am living with my parents. I hate him every day of the year for that. But i am so much happier without him. I realize what people like him and your wife are like and im glad i wont be wasting more time with him.
I am dating someone that i really like and who is also a LBS.

Life gets better. You are younger then me. It will be easier for you. You have a great future ahead of you.

[OrangeK]

Thanks Juju. I really appreciate the boost. I fell off my exercise routine, now i can see how much effects mood improvements. I like cause and effect experiments!

[Newly20]

Thanks Juju. I really appreciate the boost. I fell off my exercise routine, now i can see how much effects mood improvements. I like cause and effect experiments!

O, this happens to me as well. The hardest part is getting out of the house and doing it, but just discipline yourself to get out of the house and at the end you will thank yourself for doing so. At this point i dont even know what to say about your sitch except to just let time do its thing. If you feel ready to proceed with D, then just sit on that thought and see how strong it is in a month or two. No need to rush this, keep working on yourself and the answers to all your questions will present themselves when the time is right. Keep on keeping on brotha.

[Vanilla]

Sadly you can't fix this.

V

[Vanilla]

OK that was dramatically short.

There is nothing you can do to 'fix' this because this is your WW psychological make up.

If you even begin down that road then the abuse will be much worse because by going back you are saying yes to repeated abuse.

And next time it will be worse. The gazelle that escapes doesn't go back into the lions den.

Don't pet venomous snakes. They side wind.

My thoughts

V

[OrangeK]

Ok folks. I did a lot of soul searching last night and came to the following points that i need to work out once and for all.

1.) Detachment - This needs to be my top goal in regards to DBing/moving on. Ive been trying to convince myself that i am over her. I am not. Just because I am very angry and hurt by her, and i realize she isnt the woman i fell in love with / married, I do still have a lot of emotion attached to her and I do miss her, and love what I thought we had. I need to actually move on, actually detach. I know this will be a big big challenge as i still have a lot of untended emotions, unanswered questions and a ton and a hlaf of why's, what if's and if i had's. Plus all the happy memories, im still reminded of some happy event around every corner. I know time will help this, and i think eventually meeting and dating others will help. I know that has helped me in the past.

2.)Stop the Hamster Wheel.
I am working on mental exercises to block out my tendency to be CONSTANTLY Running over all of this in my mind. Ways i can recognize my downward internal spiral and try to pull it back from the brink. I am self destructive in this. Here is where the What if's, If I Had's , and Why Me's live. They are unproductive and toxic.
I will be re-doubling my efforts in fitness, recreation and creativity to try and accomplish this.

3.) The Physical Connection.
WW is gorgeous. I still think about her both affectionately, as i want to hold her and brush her hair like i used to, but also sexually. We had an amazing sexual relationship at first, and then it faded off, and re-emerged prior to our wedding.
I still fantasize about her all the friggin time. I need another woman to be the object of my desire. I know it seems petty but i know it will help me move on. WW was everything i ever wanted physically in a woman, the right look, figure, everything. It has been really hard to let go of that aspect too. Doesn't help ive been celibate for almost a year now, at age 30.... Not fun.

4.) Know the situation, Know myself.
Logic needs to win the battle.
My emotions are constantly fighting my logic.
Love her vs. Leave her
Miss her vs. loathe her
wait and see Vs. turn and walk away
Wait on D Vs. Charge forward

I have solid decisions to make, and i need to stop flaking back and forth on them.

I know if i really dig deep i will find these answers, and i will be sure of my situation and my plan moving forward.



This feels like an up day in the ever recycling series of ups and downs.
I am hoping i can stay the course for now.
If only her face would stop flashing through my mind, smiling in the sun.

"sparkle someone elses eyes"
The Guess Who "American Woman"

[OrangeK]

another thing I seem to dwell on a lot is all of the Lost opportunities. All of the future birthdays and Christmases and moments that we were supposed to share as a family. I know she is constantly chasing that fairytale relationship that's never going to materialize, and it makes me very sad to think that our relationship is the only one she has ever had that has not started with infidelity and drama. I am the father of her only child her first and so far only husband. the closest thing she was ever going to get to the fairy tale marriage she wanted is what she destroyed. it's sad and it makes me pity her. I know she's riding the wave of her new relationship right now but the boring life she got sick of so soon is going to be her new reality soon enough. I know she gets very depressed when this happens and despite everything she's done to me it still makes me very sad to think of the woman I once loved with all of my heart existing in such a self-loathing sad way