Gotdie #19: patience, trust...and hope

[Gordie]

Job thank you

She has been wanting to talk more

And I am actively listening

Even if I would rather be doing something else



Ownit

Peace inside chaos

Nice summary but as you have encouraged

I have to find that peace within that has nothing to do with my situation


Gerda

I do not know if I changed or she changed

But now if she speaks respectfully then I will listen

And the criticism that has no merit no longer hurts me the way it used to

It makes me s m h and ask what is wrong with her today

I know it has nothing to do with me


DNJ and SBJ

It has taken me a long time to get here

So I am trying to still fix my m

Difference is I am no longer trying to fix her

Thank you for the quote

[Gordie]

Journaling

So I am 21 months into this

And w is trying to re engage as Home Maker

This is generally good and she is helping again

Trouble is kids and I have gotten used to her disengagement

We can cook and clean and do laundry and everything else without her

Issue is we do not do things the way she wants them done

The food is not good enough

The house is not clean enough

She critiques my parenting

Exhausting



D returned from college

And she does not know how to deal with w

There is heavy tension but I am trying to stay out of it

But am concerned it will explode before long



Generally feeling good about life

Work is good

Kids are better

Hitting the gym regularly

Lost my winter weight

Looking forward to beach season

[Rita]

Hi -- I don't think I am allowed to put links here, so this may be blocked, but it's this one --

http://www.redoakcafe.com

It's in League City. Ask for Kim! I met her at a Rejoice Marriage Ministries meeting in Florida. It's good to have support, that's for sure!

[Gordie]

So w has not been attending any kids events for the last few months

Earlier this week she came to one late

I had saved her a seat but she stood in the back

She also left early so did not see her

Seems like she is okay with private dates

But still does not want to be seen in public with me

While some may say this is teenager ish

My teens always sit with me

So expectations

I guess I do not expect her at these events any more

But I guess I expected that if she showed up she would sit with me

Just a reminder that no

Things are not normal

Still a long way to go

Keep expectations at zero

So I will keep living my life and pushing forward

And hope some day she can catch up

[OwnIt]

Maybe it isn't that she doesn't want to be seen with you, but that she feels the glaring eyes of society for the things she has done when she does and her shame won't let her do it.

Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

[SBJ]

Gord, it is interesting that she doesn't want to sit with you guys, but it great that you have gotten yourself to the point of zero expectations when it comes to that. My ex seems to not have that problem...we sat next to one another at my daughters end of the year dance recital and also at my youngest sons awards ceremony.

I have even invited her to dinner with all of us a few times... she rejected it each time, but I guess the guy not fearing rejections anymore in me keeps it up thinking that one day she will say, what the heck. Keep on keepin' on my brother.

[JaseP]

You all inspire me in such a big way

Gordie hats off to you for having the patience of a saint

I think OwnIt is spot on in his assessment

So you and the kids should not take it personally that she prefers to come late leave early and stand in the back

Stay strong brother

[bttrfly]

maybe she felt self conscious going there in the first place and felt it would have caused more disruption to come sit in the audience rather than being unobtrusive in the back.

leaving early - i dunno -- she is avoiding something and my bet is that it's not you.

hang in. xoxo

[Gordie]

Ownit sbj jasep butterfly

Thanks for the encouragement

And reminders she has her own reasons for doing or not doing what she does

And it usually does not have to do with me

Stop mind reading

Be patient



So new wrinkle as w has been meandering back towards family

She has revealed a lot of debt she has gotten herself into

Early on i divided our finances

To protect myself

So now what do i do

[AndrewP]

She has revealed a lot of debt she has gotten herself into

Early on i divided our finances

To protect myself

So now what do i do

First off. Don't be surprised. Wait - oh you're not.

First off - I'm not sure in your jurisdiction on whether you are liable for debts she took out in her name. I hope they weren't done jointly.

From the tone of your note, you are feeling the urge to rescue but you are not wanting to do that for lots of reasons I would presume. People like us have the natural tendency to rescue our princesses and to protect them from the ravages of the world.

My suggestion would be to perhaps look at this as if it were one of the older kids in a similar situation. How would you handle that?

In a similar conversation, my son's best friend who I occasionally mention as "20 something" got herself into a relatively small hole this past spring. Her credit was about to be destroyed and she reached out to me, not wanting to admit to her parents that she was in difficulty. I half expected her to ask me to write her a cheque with a vague offer to pay me back some day. I didn't want to say no. She's a nice kid even if she sends me far too many SnapChat pictures that include her ample cleavage (different story). She asked me to cosign for her instead. I did and we talked about different payment plans (since she's a novice at managing debt) and she now gives the bank money every 2 weeks after her pay day. Hasn't missed a payment. I told her though both directly and in front of the bank loan officer that I believed in her and trusted her to make good on the loan and mentioned that when my ex and I were in serious financial trouble about 15 years ago that others had believed in us and that was how we got our feet under us.

Not sure if that story applies to you or not Gordie but it may give you food for thought.

There's another story that I read here a looong time ago where the BS bought his wayward wife an expensive car thinking that would attract her back to him. She drove off in the car to her lover leaving him behind with the car payments.

People can be selfish and not be accountable for their own messes.