I feel you on this one, Ive tried going as dark as possible but me and W have a D that we exchange everyday. We don't talk to each other on these exchanges, so its possible to do NC to some extent but man oh man is it hard.
I actually just had a lengthy convo via text with wife, before she would write only single words or short sentences, this time was full on. NOt that it was anything to be excited about, mainly just giving me her side of unhappiness and what she is bothered with, and to end it she did state she is sure of what she wants and that she has filed for divorce already. Time will tell
Keep your head up, i will be reading more into your sitch shortly.
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
InFocus - I feel you about DB with kids. Not sure how young your kids are, but here is what I have been able to do. My kids are both young under 10, but no toddlers or stay at home kids. Both are in school.
NC I only contact W for kid business. We have no more financial or other stuff to talk about. I also don't report to her everything and I don't send her pics of the kids when they're with me. I keep the convos via text just about the kids and very business like. It's worked.
GAL I obviously don't do any external GAL stuff when I have the kids. Not sure what your split is, but I have them 50% of the time and W and I do a 2-2-5-5 schedule. I incorporate some of my GAL stuff with the kids - like movies and climbing. But, I generally just focus on them when they're with me. On days they're not with me, I make sure I am not idling around. I go climbing, workout, read books, and listen to podcasts.
So, it's totally possible to do NC to a specific degree and GAL as well. Just figure out both for what works for you with your situation, but both are very possible.
I have the same issue, children too small to GAL or NC. as a mother of an infant there is a guilt factor associcated when I stay out of home for too long outside of regular work.
Thanks guys for the replies. Wife filed restraining order on me, dissolved it at hearing - thanks to me getting a lawyer and the judge asking her to dissolve it. That's set a precedent for her living in the marital home with the kids and me just taking the kids when she would like me to.
Last month or so I've been NC and GAL and I've noticed she actually tried to talk to me a couple of times when I was calling the kids. Strange, because of her tone seemed like she wanted to reconcile, but in retrospect - she realized she doesn't want to be a single mother with 3 kids.
This has led to her actually agreeing to splitting the kids tie with us equally, which I've been working towards the entire time since she dropped the bomb mid March.
I'm not sure how this is going to work. I know she wants more time for herself and I find myself struggling a bit to prepare for this change. I know it's best for the kids, but the last month and a half alone has really allowed me to heal from my wife's decision to divorce and let me start GAL.
I'm not sure what I want now, other than to ensure my kids are good to go.
I have some goals but they're more along the lines of NC, GAL, and being the spouse only a fool would leave.
I do struggle with the knowledge that the quick turnover in our marriage was due to another man or the possibility of another man. I'm struggling a bit with that, whether I want to know or I don't want to know. Mainly because I feel like it will help clarify my goals to push this divorce along.
I'm in a good spot. I know life is waiting for me past divorce. I'm just trying to be as deliberate and true to my heart as possible as I get there.
I'm not quite healed, not quite myself, but I'm getting closer. I feel like when I get there, I can face my wife's contempt without letting it affect me. That's the day I long for, because it's been a long hard couple of years living without a kiss, an affectionate touch, or her looking into my eyes lovingly.
GAL is about goals outside of the M. Not NC, not showing her what she will be missing.
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Last month or so I've been NC and GAL and I've noticed she actually tried to talk to me a couple of times when I was calling the kids. Strange, because of her tone seemed like she wanted to reconcile, but in retrospect - she realized she doesn't want to be a single mother with 3 kids.
They often do this to temp take or see if they still have any hold. Just proceed with caution.
I mean these things for your own benefit.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
My kids are older, but the I still have the same issues. When they're around, I want to spend time with them. But they don't need, or want, me around all the time, so I go out about half the time I have them, usually for around 2-3 hours. I also try to make sure GAL includes them sometimes, like taking them to dinner and movies I want to see, or an airshow, or skiing.
I think it's important, too, for them to see you enjoying yourself.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Yes, it's important for them to see you enjoy life and be happy.
Kids take their cues from you. They are super sensitive to your moods and it affects them greatly. So, that's why it's important to take care of yourself because otherwise you will be this stressed, anxious, snappy parent, which makes the situation way worse.
When I relaxed around my kids, it really changed things. Don't be a sad sack around them, and if you are feeling down, find some private space and process your emotions - whether through crying or binge watching something or whatever.
Lots of great advice in this thread. The key, as always, is to have your own life that's awesome, where you're the best parent you can be, and the best person you can be. If you do that, you'll move on emotionally, and DB just becomes life, not something you have to "do" or strategize over. Getting there emotionally is the challenge, of course, but it's a beautiful journey in a lot of ways, even if painful, and if you do it right, it will fill you with immense and justified pride that you made it.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Seems impossible to go NC. Makes it twice as difficult to GAL, at least from a personal perspective.
You can't go NC with kids, there's got to be some level of communication taking place. Michele says in DB that when kids are involved, there's no such thing as divorce. IE, you and that person are always going to be in each other's lives to some extent because of the kids, there's just no avoiding it. That said, you can "go dim" rather than dark and keep communication short and businesslike.
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Last month or so I've been NC and GAL and I've noticed she actually tried to talk to me a couple of times when I was calling the kids. Strange, because of her tone seemed like she wanted to reconcile, but in retrospect - she realized she doesn't want to be a single mother with 3 kids.
I think you're reading too much into it, there's no way you can tell by her tone that she wants to recon. If she wants to recon she will at some point declare that to you, you won't need to read tea leaves to figure it out. Probably what you're experiencing is the normal distance/pursuit dynamic. You pulled back and as a result she no longer feels pressure, so she's reaching out more. She might even temp check you, asking if you're dating or something like that. Again it doesn't mean she wants recon, it just means your DB'ing is working.
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At this point, I have to fully accept it's over. There's no way back.
The old M is over and there is no way back to that. But it didn't work anyway, why would you WANT to go back to that? That doesn't mean you and your W are over though. You might build a new life together some day. Plenty of couples have done just that. Or you may build a new life with someone new like I have. Life is a book with many chapters, when one ends it doesn't mean the book is over, it just means when you turn the page it's the start of a whole new chapter full of excitement and rich with possibilities.
