Multiple EAs. At least one PA, but I think more than that. Bomb drop. Separation. False reconciliation. Agreed divorce that turned contested. Custody fight. Parental alienation.
And yesterday morning, she died in her sleep in OM's arms. I got a phone call at about 4:00AM. I know we don't post personal information here, but don't feel like that matters in this case. What can possibly come of it? I know Cadet will edit this if it's a problem. I just want you to know a little bit about her that I didn't write.
I don't know how to to feel. I'm sad. But I'm mostly numb. But I keep getting sadder. GF came over in the middle of the night, missed work, to be here for me, and for D once she woke up.
D is doing ok so far. She cried when I told her, but after about five minutes she was ok. I told her mommy was with mamaw, and that gave her peace. I know that this peace won't last. I know she's still processing. She was a normal kid running around with her cousins yesterday, playing, and laughing. Last night she started asking "why" questions. I think when she sees her mom on Saturday at the funeral it will really hit. I talked to her C. I talked to school (who made sure school C knows). I talked to her teacher. Grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, and friends' parents, and girl scout troop leader. She's going to get the support she needs from everyone. Everyone loves her. People I work with were emailing me saying if I ever need a babysitter, they'll watch her in a heartbeat.
My poor liittle girl lost her mother!! AGAIN!! FOR GOOD THIS TIME! WHY?????? WHY THE HELL DID SHE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS DIVORCE TOO??? And the end of this is that her mom is gone???
I thought I was a single dad. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT UNTIL YESTERDAY!
I read that divorce (and infidelity) are like having your spouse die, and having someone else walk around in their body. What do you do when that person dies, too?
This place has been my journal but I don't know how to write here anymore. I don't know that I will. "How are you doing, East, how's your sitch?" "Well, she's still dead, so..."
I saw myself in a lot of you. We made the same mistakes, and some of us did it together. Many of you helped me so much that I can never say "thank you" enough. You gave me great advice, even when I didn't take it. You gave me emotional support when I needed it. You hit me in the face with 2x4s when I needed those, too.
Thank you.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/11/1908:11 PM. Reason: remove link
So young. Yes it is sad. But take solace in that everything happens for a reason. Even when we can't see the reason. East, I expect your emotional roller-coaster will continue over the next several days, maybe longer. Hang in there man, there are still great things to come for you and your daughter.
I will continue to pray for your family.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In wanting to say something consoling, I usually end by saying something stupid. Still, my heart wants to reach out to you, b/c you have had an experience forced on you that you didn't choose or want.
I know your main concern is your child. And, I think you are going to feel almost every negative feeling in the coming days. All I can tell you is to allow yourself to feel it, without expecting more or questioning yourself.
With every loss of a loved one in death, our reaction varies. I have learned through my own experiences, that the surrounding circumstances connected to that loved one....determines our level of inner turmoil, as we try to find acceptance and peace in figuring out how we live with their absence.
You will be very sensitive to what others say. Just try to remember, most people feel impressed to say something....but they don't know how or what is appropriate. Asking how you are doing, for example, may seem so crass.......but it's what people say out of habit and custom.
Please accept my heartfelt condolences for you and your child.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know how to to feel. I'm sad. But I'm mostly numb. But I keep getting sadder. GF came over in the middle of the night, missed work, to be here for me, and for D once she woke up.
Your GF sounds like a very kind and understanding woman. I know some women who would say "so what you were divorced" but someone who understands what you're going through rather than resenting it is a treasure.
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I talked to her C. I talked to school (who made sure school C knows). I talked to her teacher. Grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, and friends' parents, and girl scout troop leader. She's going to get the support she needs from everyone. Everyone loves her.
That says a lot about you as a person East. That in the middle of your own grief, you immediately swing into action to make sure your D is getting the help she needs without a second thought. You are conducting yourself with the utmost dignity despite the horror of this.
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My poor liittle girl lost her mother!! AGAIN!! FOR GOOD THIS TIME! WHY?????? WHY THE HELL DID SHE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS DIVORCE TOO??? And the end of this is that her mom is gone???
It really isn't fair, there's just no way to paint it in a better light. But she still has you, and that is what is important.
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I read that divorce (and infidelity) are like having your spouse die, and having someone else walk around in their body. What do you do when that person dies, too?
You take however long it takes and you grieve. The shortest path is through the pain, not around it. You lean on others when you can't stand up yourself. You never get over it but you come to accept it.
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This place has been my journal but I don't know how to write here anymore.
I think you're doing a fantastic job of sharing your feelings. I can only hope that we help you a little in getting through this terrible time.
My H1 died aged 33, at the time we were fostering one of his two younger sisters, I was pregnant and lost my little girl (she was still born). The grief was truly truly terrible. It was sudden and that makes it shocking, the unexpected part of it. Being unprepared.
I am telling you this because I thought I would never breathe again, never stop crying with pain. I still do sometimes but it's ok, today most of the time I recollect the love more than the pain. The grief cycle is complex to navigate. The world seems surreal and disconnected.
What has happened to you and lovely D is horrible. Unjust and like you I don't get it. It seems mean.
And you are more concerned about D than about you. Cautious about being a single dad, concerned and perhaps bewildered. East you are wonderful, everything you could possibly want in a dad. Know you are loved, that you have love even in grief.
It is awful and it hurts. It really doesn't matter than you were D, that you had conflict, you loved each other once and you love D. It is enough that you do because you do. That is a precious gift that you have, the gift of love.
I just wish I could make it all better. Just know I am sending you my rainbow strength in the next few days.
Much love to you and D
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sorry for your loss,as I bet your head is still spinning but remember something always everything happens for a reason. One day everything will circle back but please don't forget to take care of yourself as now you are the only thing your D haves. You must now put that super cape.
Speaking for myself when I got the bd and then when the monstering came I realized my wife that I knew died. I remember having a breakdown in therapist office literally ball up in a corner crying nonstop I felt like I got the news my W died my therapist said is normal because I am in a mourning stage and it made sense. I send you and you D and family my condolence and remember take it a day at a time.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
I don't know how to to feel. I'm sad. But I'm mostly numb. But I keep getting sadder. GF came over in the middle of the night, missed work, to be here for me, and for D once she woke up.
East man, reading this brought tears to my eyes. It makes me think about my young girls and the emotions I would feel if something happened to my STBXW.
You are a good man E and I hope your D and you can find the peace and happiness you deserve.
My condolences. Your daughter is lucky to have you, and she will be ok. As will you.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
You and your D will be in my prayers! My condolences as well...your D has a fantastic father.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
