So, not sure what you would call this right now. Been a crazy two-plus weeks. My past two or three threads can give you the full rundown if you are new to my sitch.
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She gave up her burner phone and promised to cut contact with OM back in July. I confronted OM a couple days later to make sure he "got the message". Unbeknownst to me, OM kept calling her at work. She never told me. I found out about that roughly two weeks or so ago. Then she had a brief meet up with him at the gym, based on her finding out from one of the phone calls that she had gotten from him. I saw the meetup, I told her we were done and that I wanted her out. She completely broke down, begged me to stay, said she'd do anything etc etc. I left the house for a week. Didn't say a word to her or contact her except for a few seconds the second day when I went back to retrieve some clothes. MC brokered a meet up for us to discuss if and when I [i]might come back. The meet up went surprisingly well, W being very submissive and apologetic and such, and W and I connected very well. This continued and accelerated Sunday (Easter) when we fell into bed with each other. That was nice (Okay, way better than nice), but it derailed/sidetracked the process and discussion we were supposed to have about boundaries and requirements for me to return home. Got the train back on the tracks this past Wednesday with a session with our MC (Jessica), and W accepted all of my boundaries and preconditions. We are now working on some of the exercises that MC gave us to do. We each have IC sessions scheduled next week, as well as one MC session.
W been a little down, as have I, last 24 hours. A little bit of hangover, I think, from the emotional roller coaster, plus we got a very difficult call from my S19 in college last night. He'd already dropped down to 10 credit hours and now is failing one of his three remaining classes. He cant focus or get organized... not even enough to get his tail to a doctor to get some ritaline or enough to get himself to see his advisor and/or his dean to help get him stabilized on some sort of study plan or something. He's really crashing and burning
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I don't have to tell you how freshman year can be tough in so many ways. If he has ADD, it's another huge challenge for him trying to deal on his own. Maybe hearing from Mom & Dad, and knowing they are still together, will give him insentive.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well at least for the past few weeks, several days worth of activity and movement seems to have taken place in a matter of hours. So that means about a weeks worth of activity could have happened since we last heard from you. Hopefully you are making progress and can give us an update later today or tonight.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
He is completely crashing and burning. Turns out he's been skipping classes. Uncertain if it is 100% intentional or if he is just suffering from exhaustion/depression and cant get out of bed in the morning. He did actually sleep through several alarms and miss a critical probation meeting related to his underage alcohol arrest, a mistake that could have landed him in jail, early this semester. It was the social anxiety that got him into trouble to begin with as he felt like he had to drink to be able to talk to people and fit in (I must have fathered the only shy varsity football starter in America, and one of the few that never partied it up and drank in HS and so had no experience with alcohol to draw upon). And then it was that arrest and the associated fretting and anxiety (he has OCD and also suffers from generalized anxiety) that started his downward academic spiral last semester (He could think of literally nothing else, the anxiety made him think we was going to jail-- a technical possibility-- and the OCD made him obsess about it), and a series of unfortunate events carried it over to this semester. Dropped down to 9 credit hours (3 classes) and is now failing one of those. Heartbreaking, because the kid is blessed with a brilliant scientific/mathematical mind. Can look at an equation and instantly visualize the curve it draws without having to graph it out. But he's also tortured by his OCD/anxiety and his inability to focus on things-- which most of his docs have said is a byproduct of the anxiety, but others (usually the ones pushing the meds) have said is a "separate" ADD-type thing. Who knows. Adderal trial helped his productivity a little his HS senior year (though honestly probably no more than it would help anyone's productivity who took some amphetamines) but also made him moody and irritable and messed with his already troubled sleep. Now, he's talked about "getting adderal here at school from some guys he knows" and I really hope he is joking and we've told him absolutely not and he says he's joking but...
So, yeah, he prolly needs some sort of intervention. Which we're doing in a measured way-- hoping he can do the lion's share of, first, getting himself straight (establishing a routine, getting organized because his executive functions outright $uck, finding a regular psychotherapist/counselor, engaging immediately and thereafter regularly with ALL of his professors and with his dean/advisor, etc. etc.) We are monitoring all of his email traffic to make sure he doesn't miss anything (there is an almost INSANE amount of email volume the kids at this school get in relation to their academics), talking to him everyday (his "check in"), and also talking to his doctor up here. It is going to be a long road back for him, and we are considering a semester "off" and, possibly, enrolling in the local community college (a pretty drastic step as he is currently at a "top" institution that is extremely hard to gain admittance to) if he does not pull out his nose dive by the end of this one. Bottom line, is that he never learned in high school 1) how to be planful and organized 2) how to put aside entertainment and fun and focus on the task at hand (thank you, cell phone and video game industries) and 3) how to regulate your sleep schedule. By end of senior year in high school his sleep patterns were so jacked up I am surprised the kid could even function.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
OM may have paid my son's traffic ticket that said son received in connection with an accident a few weeks back that also totaled one of my cars.
My insurance rates are already sky high so we were going to "challenge" the traffic infraction in court-- had the kid take a driver improvement course, etc-- and hopefully have the DA agree to write it down to something non-chargeable or, better yet, get the judge to "take it under advisement" as a first offense for a kid with no priors, clean driving record, and excellent academic record. Get to court today and the lawyer I'd hired (only a fool represents himself or his near kin in court) is freaking out because "the ticket has already been paid"... which in this state is also effectively an admission of guilt. It also means the case is now "closed" and we'd need to move the court to reopen it-- which is hard without a paper trail as in this case where the fine was paid in cash... with no security camera footage of the payor. Coupled with some anomalous statements by one of the responding officers and all of a sudden it is not a question of WON my son can get the ticket written down, but WON the DA is going to charge him with something more serious like reckless driving or even hit and run. (Son pulled his car off road a block and half away to get out of busy traffic-- dumb... but it was his first accident, and the cop's notes were ambiguous enough that the DA thought it was perhaps an attempt to evade followed by an effort by my son to pay off the ticket (in cash) without anyone knowing. We talked the DA into putting away his bazooka and got out "even"... plead nolo to the original charge... but it was touch and go.
So, then I start thinking: "Who could have paid this? Could it have been inadvertent?" I speak with the clerk, who tells me that, yes, mistaken application of payments sometimes happens, and even mistaken payments by the payor... when conducting such business online because it is just a "click through" and fairly easy to make mistakes. OTOH, when someone pays in person, and especially with cash, the clerks go out of their way to create a paper trail in order to prevent mistaken payments from being made on account of the wrong ticket. IOW they make absolutely sure that the payor (who can absolutely be someone besides the person charged) is paying the ticket that they intend to pay. Per the clerk, whoever paid that ticket for my son "Either did it intentionally or is extraordinarily stupid and careless", because the clerk confirms everything before accepting payment.
So, I start thinking, who would do this? Whoever did it likely didn't intend for it to completely jack up the litigative process for us as it did, so likely someone wanting to be a good Samaritan... or assuage their conscience and get in good with me and or my W(?) The ticket was paid the Monday after our big "blow up" weekend where W went to gym, meeting OM in the process, and then I blew up, walked out, and sent several threatening texts to OM. It was also paid at 3:30 PM--- 30 minutes after OM gets off work (or at least did when I knew him as a friend). W says she "can't remember" if she mentioned S18's accident to OM on the occasions they spoke recently (Incidentally this has pushed her over the "sorrowful and apologetic and upset" ledge, again) but that OM hadcalled/texted W's bff a couple of times Sunday night asking "Is HJ's W okay... I'm worried about her", and that he had done the same after I confronted him way back in August. (Slimy SOB... he knew and knows darned well that my W was "okay"... he was just trying to insinuate himself back into situation and look like a "good guy.") PAying something like that would also be right in line with his MO... don't know how many times I saw him "pick up a tab" or buy something for someone (often coaches of the teams his kids played on) to try to curry favor with them.
IDK. Just can't see anyone else doing it. W and I don't broadcast our kids' troubles widely beyond family (the gossip culture around here is just sickening), and we have no family locally. W said she can think of two, maybe three "friends" of ours who know, none of whom we can see paying the ticket like that, and at least one of whom has enough legal knowledge to know that paying it would potentially screw things up legally. And both of those people know we were trying to get it dismissed for insurance reasons. So OM seems like a likely possibility.
Note that this was, however, before W made her "get lost" call and sent her "get lost" letter.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Sorry to hear about the son's issues. OM may have thought paying the ticket would score him some points with your W, if she gave him the brush-off, as she claimed that day in the gym. I hope she won't feel indebted to him! It wasn't his place or any of his business.
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Note that this was, however, before W made her "get lost" call and sent her "get lost" letter.
BTW, how did OM react when your W gave him the "get lost" phone call?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
PAying something like that would also be right in line with his MO... don't know how many times I saw him "pick up a tab" or buy something for someone (often coaches of the teams his kids played on) to try to curry favor with them.
how would paying this ticket gain him any favor if no one knows that he did it? it is quite the mystery... who paid the ticket??? are you positive your son did not pay it?
btw, i think it's normal that the OM asks a friend or relative if the WW is okay after the H finds out, especially if there is NC...he is left to wonder: is she okay? did he kick her out? did he beat her up? etc...
how did BFF take the news that she is now persona non grata?
