I had no idea what a MLC was until now...

[Gordie]

Follow actions not words

Sounds like she was intoxicated by his attention and praise

Good she is trying to make amends

Good you are both going to counseling

Why the dramatic change in such a short time

What do you want

What are you doing

[JaseP]

I'm definitely watching her actions more lately, even though it's hard not to get too hopeful when she spews out all the right things. But her actions are still largely self-serving, especially when it comes to being a workaholic and not giving me or the kids much time despite saying this'll change soon. She's lettting her ego get in the way of her better judgment. She could quite easily negotiate being laid off and get a year's severance and finally get a break but she says instead of asking "those a-holes" for any favors she'd rather get a big "f you" job to show her boss (former crush/EA) she doesn't need them and to minimize any chance of her being cast as weak or not being able to hack it. To me that'd just be going from frying pan to fire...

I hope her therapist gets through to her because she doesn't listen to me.

In the last month or two she's realized her boss (the new owner) was only telling her all she wanted to hear, kissing her butt, praising her nonstop the first couple months when she fell for it. Now she's saying she thinks he's a psychopath/pathological and has a habit of doing this with others. No wonder his previous companies have been run into the ground.
I've still never met him...

I want her to be 100% honest about everything. I think she's getting there, but of course my guard is still way up.
I'm trying hard to be patient with her, but after 8-9 months of shouldering so much of the workload at home and with the kids I'm at the end of my rope.

Now it's not even so much about her emotional affair, it's about the disparity between what she says she wants (i.e. work/family/life balance, regain my love and trust, better mom and wife, etc) and what she's still doing which is burning the candle at both ends with her job and refusing to turn it off once she's home. Crying all the time about her job and the mess she's in. She knows she's completely consumed by her career and that it's killing her and us yet in my opinion she's not moving fast enough to extricate herself from the situation. I don't say this to her, at least not like this, because she's still so quick to anger due to her stress and anxiety...and I'm sick of the friction and wary of her flipping out and threatening to walk again.

It's tough! Thanks for listening, buddy. I always appreciate your feedback. Hope you're having a good weekend.

[Gordie]

W sounds very self absorbed

Self centered

Putting hereelf first

Main identity is outsude the M

Has she always been like this

Or is this different

What about you

Pre b d

Post b d

[JaseP]

Hello again sir,

She's definitely gotten much worse this past year. Not only with the job obsession but her anti-mom/wife attitude. She's finally now claiming she wants a real balance and to have her wknds be for the family, but I know it'll take at least another couple months or more before she's got a new job.

She was saying more often in the thick of her MLC-ish fog that "I've been a mom long enough giving my body and life to these kids, it's time to put me first." But even though she's now saying that we should come first her actions are entirely self-serving.

How much time do I give her to show me and prove she really wants this?

As far as me? I'm just trying to be a good dad. I need her to quit so I can work more again. I'm down to two days a week as I bear the burden of everything else, and even though I make more than enough to support myself and over half the expenses she holds it over me that she's the breadwinner.
I've never asked her for money (we have our own accounts), but she flips out if I ever second guess her purchases, which are frequent and frivolous. She's always been a little wasteful but now it's gotten crazy. I don't even say anything about all the clothes she orders online, but frequently boxes from Amazon arrive with a case of something we have a ton of already...
I mostly hate being on eggshells around someone with such a hot temper. I hope she's honest with her therapist about this so she can work on it.

Thanks again for listening.

[Gordie]

Jase

I feel for you

Because my w has said everything your w has said

You are still relatively new to all of this

But it probably feels like forever

I was a slow learner

Whoch only prolonged my pain

And i know it is tricky with young kids

Your w is only thinking about herself

She told you that

But then you get frustrated and exhausted when she acts that way

Stop that and accept that

If you want to save your M you are going to have to be patient

But you do not have to put your life on hold

That was my mistake

How much time do you spend each day doing things for w

Do you do things for her even when she does not ask

And when you do she does not say thank you

Stop doing those things

You want to work more

But you are waiting on w to change her job

Why can you not just do what you want to do

Get after care or a sitter for the after school hours

Warning that your w may rebel against your independence

She may spew all sorts of crazy

But do not back down

Stick up for yourself

And what you want

[JaseP]

Thanks again, buddy. Been reading more on your story and I do see some parallels. My heart goes out to you...I don't know if I could do this for 2.5+ years.

I've got full time work lined up for the summer but it's out of town so it's going to take some juggling of the kids, but we'll make it work.

Once home in September I'm hoping she's either left her job or started something much more manageable so I can get back to working full time again too. My reluctance in seeking more work these past few months is that I fear the friction and resentment that'd ensue if I was working crazy hours and still doing all the childcare on weekends. She refuses to help much and instead buries herself in work or escapes to pamper herself or "clear her head" by working out.
I do use a sitter on the nights when I work midweek but I'm saving wknds for the family...6&7yo, as you well know, is a cute but crazy age and I feel like I've only got 5 or so more years before they're off doing their own thing.

She says she wants to be more present for the family, but her job now prevents that.

[JaseP]

Whoops, hit "submit" on accident.

Anyway, I don't do too much for her anymore. If she knows I'm shopping she asks me to buy her some food, so I'll do that. I used to chauffeur around to her job in the morning, but I've stopped that. I leave the laundry in the dryer for her to fold as that was her only real chore before I started doing everything, so she's doing that again finally. And not complaining about it too, which is nice. She used to make excuses for having no time for anything but serving herself.

You're right that I still do get frustrated when she shows me she's almost entirely self absorbed. It's hard not to, but I'm trying. I rarely show it, but man, I'm frequently rolling my eyes at some of the crap she comes up with.

I feel like things are slowly getting better. The other day she had a total meltdown about some work stuff and was screaming at me about it...the kids walked in and I had to reassure them that mommy was only angry about her work not at me. But then I felt like this shouldn't be happening in the first place, so I barked back at one point "it seems like you'd be much happier on your own" and she said "no, maybe you're trying to goad me into saying I want a D, but I'm committed to this marriage and I love you."

That was a nice surprise, but I've still got my guard way way up. Thanks for chatting.

[Gordie]

I do not know the dynamics

But sounds like you put your life and work second to your w

Is that true

Is that your marital agreement

Is that ok with you

Now is the time to figure out what you want and how to get it

I totally get wanting to avoid the conflict of you working more

And the friction it will cause with her

And the difficulty of child care

But I do not think conflict avoidance is helping you

You have to think that divorce is a real possibility

And if so it is really important you establish the work and child care division of responsibilities now

For me it meant stepping up my child care

For you it may mean giving more to her

I do not know

But just guessing from what you have written

[JaseP]

Thanks again, Gord.

Now I see it as true that I have put my life/work second to hers, but before all of this I would've said I supported her work ambitions and put the family first. I agree that now that good intention has been warped and has only encouraged her workaholic tendencies. We never had some arrangement that this was to be the case, in fact, I made it abundantly clear last Sept that I knew she was in for a rough next few months and as such I agreed to take on the lions share of child/house duties, but that was to end by January or so.
Things changed, of course, and now it's May and I know it'll be a rough next few weeks, but I can't wait to start my temp gig out of town where I'll have time to myself to be a great worker in a special place, reigniting my passion for my profession. Once back home in late August we'll need to reassess where we're at...

Had a good therapy session yesterday and the topic of my immigrant father in law losing his job when W was only 8yo or so has had a big affect on her behavior. To this day he's never found steady work since, instead depending on his wife to hustle low paying jobs for the past 35 years. Now they're old and have little savings and as they gave so much to send their kids to good schools she has a lot of guilt over this.
He was a professor and well paid, and is now just a broken delusional dreamer chasing get-rich-quick schemes that of course never pan out. It's a shame, but I can see how this deeply affects my wife even if on a subconscious level.

She had a few good emails and meetings the past couple days with potential employers, so im praying something works out that makes her happy and allows for some life balance for the family.

Thanks again for the solid feedback, as always...

[Gerda]

Jase, if you are leaning on church, some aspects of your stand can be much clearer -- make sure to visit the rejoice ministry site. you can get a daily e-mail from them to keep you going, and you can sign up for the weekly men's devotional that will be more specific to your situation. They have lots of things you can listen to when you are doing the dishes and fighting the urge to crawl into a hole. I would never have made it through (well, not through, I am still deep in this tunnel o' fun) MLC without Rejoice.

My suggestion is also not to set up what you think you can and can't do -- e.g, you suggested you aren't the type to wait too long. You don't know what type you are yet in this. I never thought I would be the type to wait either, but I let this experience (and learning to trust God, mainly) change me into someone much better than I was before. It was only possible through this impossible wait.