Last week my husband told me that he wants a divorce.
First, let me give you a little background on how we got here.
We got married in our early 20's during the great recession. My husband graduated with a teaching degree and, because there were no jobs, joined the army. The recruiter fed him a bunch of B.S. and so instead of getting a commission, he went in as an enlisted.
We did not get a good duty station. He was very unhappy and was working in a very abusive environment. The stress left a toll on both of us, but we have always clung to one another for support.
Two years ago, everything changed for the better. My husband got accepted into the Officer Candidate School and I received an offer to go to law school. Everything was going great. We knew that things would have to be long-distance for a while, but that it would be so much better in the end. We quit our lease, loaded all our things onto U-Haul Pods (everything was coming with me since he would be leaving in barracks for a while) and went to drop him off at the OCS. That was when he got cold feet. He wanted to quit and come home and be with our three cats and I. He was sad. He was crying. I tried my best to comfort him, but there was no home to come back to anymore -- our lease was done, our things were going across the country, and I was going across the country. The next day he failed his entrance physical fitness test. He has never failed a PT test before that, and deep down I think that he did it on purpose. The school gave him 2 weeks to pass. He again wanted to quit. I again convinced him to stay.
Well, he stayed and he passed. For a while, things between us were going better than ever. Until he brought up children, that is. It was the end of my first semester at law school. I was stressed, I was tired, and I was under impression that our marriage was in a place where it could take a disagreement. He wanted us to try for children as soon as I graduated. I was begging to wait 2 or 3 years to give ourselves the opportunity to have a really good life together. The kind of life we deserved after all our hard work. Just the two of us - travel, spend time together, look for a house. He exploded. To him, this was a betrayal. He believed that I was lying to him and delaying just so we don't have kids at all. He believed that if he waits to have children, he won't be able to enjoy fatherhood. He told me that this is the only thing he ever asked for and his wishes, apparently, did not matter to me. At one point, he yelled something like "f*&$ you and all your dreams."
We made up after that, but he has grown distant, cold, and became disinterested in sex.
April of last year, while he was at the school that trained him specifically for his officer job, he told me he was done with the marriage.
I reacted exactly how the DB book tells you not to react - I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I clung. This man is the love of my life. It was like we were living in two different marriages. I was upset over a bump in the road, and he has forgotten everything good that has ever happened between us.
Last August, he has made some effort to reconcile. Again, I wish I had read the book. I wanted more than baby steps. I wanted a sincere apology and a promise that his appalling behavior will never be repeated. He told me he was trying.
Now, did I try on my part? Yes. I am taking 16 credit hours at law school (and was last semester as well). I live with my in-laws during the week and drive every week 5 hours one way to see him. When I am home, I prep him 3 meals and snacks for the week, I go work out with him, and I make sure that everything he needs to get done gets done: bills, appointments, calls to the cable company for a new router, etc. I have done my best to recreate a life for him that he has always had, all while driving 10 hours each week, taking more than a full course load, and carrying a 3.84 overall GPA. There are days when I honestly feel like I am going to collapse.
My husband? For the most part, he remained disinterested in sex, and when I'd ask him to call me or text me during the week, he'd always tell me that he's busy. Also, he said he no longer wanted children.
Last week, I told him that I was unhappy with the situation and that I needed things to change. He agreed and asked for a divorce.
The first evening, I cried and begged. Then I grew a spine. No matter what, he is not allowed to emotionally cripple me the way he had last year. Never again.
Then I found Michelle's books.
This takes us to the present. Our arrangement is as follows: we will get a divorce after I graduate law school and pass the bar. He continues to pay all the bills and does not begrudge me a dime. I continue to be the master organizer (I have, however, stopped cooking). He told me to not expect any marital fidelity from him, however, there has not been an affair, nor is there one in the works.
Last week, he told me that he loved me but that he wasn't in love with me. He told me that he will probably always love me on some level, but that we both deserve better. He even asked if he could come to the store with me before I left and gave me a hug before I took off for my usual 4 days.
I have honored all his wishes. I let him know that I got home safe (he asked me to). After that, I did not contact him all week (he asked me not to because he finds texting me to be annoying). When I came home on Thursday, I found a man who has gone back to what he was doing a year ago. He is obsessively on his phone trying to reconnect with old buddies from his enlisted days and OCS. He is very cold towards me (for no reason, might I add since I am being polite and cheerful, NOT affectionate). He makes an enormous deal about any casual touch. Since we still sleep in the same bed, occasionally, one of my extremities will end up brushing against him. It is not something I try to do, nor is it anything that could be viewed as even remotely sexual, and half the time, I don't know that I'm doing it. His reaction to this is "get off me" and "move." He gets really mad about it.
Yesterday, we had plans from last week to go to the zoo and a movie. He told me last minute that he wasn't going. I dressed in my business-casual best and went alone to both. I did not act upset about it. On my part, it was a smile and "Okay, I'll see you later. Have a good time!"
And that is where my confusion lies. Every time I respectfully and tactfully step back, I return to a man who is grumpier, more negative, and more hurtful than the man I told "have a good time" to. I cannot tell whether my LRT attempts are working. A part of me wonders if he just doesn't care. A part of me wonders if he expected a certain reaction from me that he's just not getting. But at this point, I'm not sure how to read this or what to do.
Today, I have a day-long hiking trip that I scheduled on MeetUp. After that, I bought myself a ticket to a movie. He does not know about this yet. In fact, I plan to take off for the day while he's at the gym this morning and let him wonder where I went. Am I moving too fast?
Also, I have not really been sharing with him about my week. Usually I tell him everything that happens and this past week a lot of good things happened for me, but for now, I keep my life to myself. Am I making a mistake?
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Why do you continue to drive the 4-5 hours to see him every weekend if he treats you like this? It’s oretty hard to call this LRT when you are putting forth a ton of effort to go see him.
And I would say it’s too soon to gauge the impact of your new behaviors. It’s only been a few days. I’d keep up with GAL and following Sandis rules.
Thank you for posting resources. I have actually lurked here for about a week. So, I read them all. Twice. I'm just not sure I am objective enough to evaluate his behavior in a productive manner.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
Well, Amoafwl, it's simple. This is my home and I will not be the one to leave. My things are here. Our cats are here. I will not let a raging a-hole drive me out.
Also, if I break this pattern now, there will be questions from well-meaning friends and relatives. I have had a hard enough time convincing my husband that he should tell no one. I'd rather not do something stupid and inadvertently air my dirty laundry out in public. In other words, I want there to be no questions from anyone.
That said, I am about to spend the next 14 hours or so M.I.A.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You are doing great! There is no time frame with LRT though because you cannot control your H's behavior or thoughts, feelings and emotions. He may never accept them.
Regardless if he does or not, you are being you...strong and confident. I agree with the drive, keep doing it. One of my mistakes was exposing my dirty laundry to many friends and family.
You are way ahead of the game. Keep doing things together if he accepts, if not walk your own road.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Olya, time is a big part of this. If you are doing the LRT to only get attention you are doing it wrong.
Just like last time when drastic changes were agreed to on the fly, real lasting change is going to take time.
Read about detachment. Read about GAL
I know you feel you have a life but you really need to prepare yourself to be apart. No this doesn't mean it is inevitable, but it also let's it sink into his head and heart.
Fast change is not real change.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
