Every decision you make is about your W. You need to work on you Start focusing on yourself, and stop focusing on how your W will feel or perceive what you do.
The love dare is for two people that are willing to work on the M. I would put that book on the shelf for now. Your W probably feels like you are forcing the Sitch with that book.
She is not working on the M now. Her actions will tell you she is working not her words.
What are her actions telling you? From your post she's not in the M now. I'm not saying she want be in the future, but right now She is not.
Become a person only a fool would leave, right in front her eyes. That's going to take a lot of hard work, self reflection and discipline from you.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
But this just seems so backwards to me. I feel like if I start pulling away it will come across more like I've reverted to my old behavior --- bad communicator, disinterest in her. That's what drove her away in the first place.
State, hang in there. There is so much similarity in your sitch to mine. I was not a good communicator at all, and my H didn't/doesn't feel that I showed him attention or affection (love languages here, I didn't learn his, he as well didn't learn mine). I have been back, forth, up, down, moving forward, stepping back. You will too. But you need to listen to the vets here.
Even though you are under the same roof, and you say trying to work on the MR, she just doesn't seem "there". Drop the Love Dare. I read it years ago, and started again after BD, but had to stop. H just isn't receptive to that. What he is receptive to is me detaching and GALing. And I thought the Love Dare was actually for one of you to do for the other, not doing together. Maybe I understood it backwards.
Anyway, start treating your W like a houseguest. She's already in another room. The more she sees you actually working on YOU, and not even appearing concerned with her, she will start to wonder.
I'm almost 4 months in to my sitch, and I guarantee I have so many more to go, before it goes one way or another. Like they all say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Settle in for the long haul. Oh, and start thinking about your boundaries. I have recently set some myself, it took me along time, but H doesn't like them, and they seem to be making him take a hard look at himself.
Hang in there.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
State18, Sorry you going through this, but the reality is your WAW is staying there for financial purpose, and maybe even waiting for taxes to come and to take what belongs to her.
I mean you say ya are trying to work on marriage why would W ask about taxes I know I would be focusing on marriage and kids. But a WAW is selfish and all about them. You need to first financially protect yourself if you read many stories here the 1st thing is protect your finances please my W clean me out on April as soon that check came in W took and all the savings and walk out literally and left me at the time the 3 kids. Within 2 or 3 months she was traveling to 3 or 4 different countries while I was wondering how I was going pay rent, bills and food in the table when I ask W her reply that's not my problem. Trust me WAW are like Vampires they suck you alive. All I can say is financially protect yourself. And if you have kids please protect them. For now put that money up a d tell W let's focus on our family.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
My wife's sister-in-law lives about 2.5 hours away and is due to be induced tonight. Our children had been a little sick, so there was a little worry that they had to be fully healthy for them to go. They've both been healthy the past couple days, but there is some concern the youngest may still be a little contagious. Last night, we had discussed a plan where my wife would go tonight with the oldest that is in Kindergarten -- stay at her brother's, then I would come tomorrow or Sunday with my youngest, just to give her another day to be fully healthy.
Fast forward to this morning. My oldest asks my wife what we are doing this weekend and my wife announces that she is going on her own and we're going to visit the new baby in a few weeks. Essentially, my wife is going to go to the visit on her own.
She says she is staying at her brother's house, but may also stay with her parents in a hotel.
I can't help but be totally suspicious. The other man is about a 2 hour drive from where my wife is traveling.
I played it cool as I could this morning when she told us of the new plan, but it was hard.
Every part of me wants some reassurance from my wife. I want to ask just once -- "there is nothing I need to worry about, right?"
But right now I just need to focus on saying "ok, me and the kids will have fun here". Right?
She says she is staying at her brother's house, but may also stay with her parents in a hotel.
I can't help but be totally suspicious. The other man is about a 2 hour drive from where my wife is traveling.
State18,
She's full of sh*t.
The way I'd handle it is I'd tell her that the whole family is going and all of you will stay in a hotel room. If any of the children are still potentially contagious, then maybe the grandparents can sit with them while you and your wife visit the newborn.
Your wife will complain bitterly, but just stand your ground; insist on being there for the special family event. You wife will be p*ssed and b*tch and moan.
My approach is probably not DB, but I don't like the idea of allowing a cheater to cheat right under your nose. Would a Clint Eastwood movie character knowingly allow his wife to go off with another man on what should a family event? Oh h3ll no.
State18, if you take doodler's approach, don't do it sad, whiny and in a poor me way. Be firm and stern, on the verge of angry, but always in control. Do it from a position of strength, no pleading or begging.
Your assertiveness will cause her to be taken back. You've probably been a bit of a worm since BD. Overly accommodating. Extremely nice and well-behaved. Your sternness will really surprise her and make her feel less bold to stand up to the decision.
I'll pray that if you choose this route it goes well. As doodler said she may, after her initial shock at your assertiveness, come back and put up a protest. Just stand your ground. "If you go we all go."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No, no, no. You are worried about pushing her away, take a step back and look at your situation objectively. I know it's hard but your W is not coming closer to you.
You think not telling her how you feel about this trip will make your feel better and trust her more. You think you will trust her more after she comes back from this trip that your are already suspicious about if you don't say anything? No you are going to worry and wonder.
Stop worrying about what your W will think. Start worrying about how you feel. How do your feel? Stop worrying about pushing her away. You need to be pulling yourself away. She needs to feel the lost of you. Stop worrying about the lost of her. You are worth more! Pick yourself up, don't agree to a trip that she didn't ask your or incorporate you about. Be the man of the house and M. You tell her, that her decision is BS and you disagree.
"It comes as desperate and untrusting", But you don't trust her, that's the truth right? Don't fake like you trust her when you don't, that is NGS, and that is not want a man and H does, he is honest and upfront.
You have to start standing your ground and stop worrying about her feelings. Start taking care of State. She needs to get on your train now, get off of hers. I know it's hard. Take it one situation and day at a time.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
If you'll recall, she had changed plans last minute for her to go out on her own about 3 hours away to see her nephew being born. The man she had been having an affair with lives about 2.5 hours further past that, so I was worried he would have travelled to see her. I'm about 90% sure she didn't see the other man, but I can't be 100%. She didn't call much, but lots of posting on social media from the hospital and calls while she was with her family. Didn't seem to be much room to see the other man.
Since then, things have been ok. Not great. Our daughter broke her arm, so that's been a focus of ours. The other night as we were tucking her into the bed my wife is sleeping in, we were both being a little silly with my daughter and my wife leaned over and kissed me. That just doesn't happen these days and it was amazing.
But at the same time, it's the little things. She has gone out a couple times with friends. Both times she said she wouldn't be long, but it ended up being about 2-3 hours. Seeing as the other man is about 5-6 hours from us, I don't think he's here, but she could be using that time to talk to him.
A couple months ago she claimed she was "all-in". But it just doesn't feel it. Her style with dealing with conflict is to avoid it, and that may be what's happening here. She isn't the type that would want to go to therapy or work to try to improve the relationship.
Maybe she thinks it can mend itself over time. I don't know.
But today something happened that hurt. And it's likely going to sound a little ridiculous.
My wife loves her country music. We have Amazon Unlimited music apps on our phones, so I can see what her playlist is...
And today I noticed a bunch of new music added recently.
Songs like...
Break Up With Him Up All Night I'll Wait for You Butterflies You Make It Easy This Time Around Nothin' Like You Just Got Started Loving You Diamonds or Twine
Essentially, a ton of songs about new love, or breaking up with someone, or hot, sexy love... which is the opposite of us right now.
I so desperately want to say to her tonight --- "tell me, do you still want this to work?"
But I know I just need to keep doing my thing. Focusing on me and the kids and doing my responsibilities around the house.
I guess one other bit of info... I really do think I've been doing a far better job on myself, especially over the past couple months.
I've been working out and lost 15 lbs. I'm doing a lot of the manual labor around the house that I didn't before (replaced a garbage disposal this weekend! Before I never would have tried pulling that off).
Also, I haven't been obsessing over things (at least in a way that's visible to my wife). I still tell her I love her. But I don't force hugs or kisses.
I'm doing my best. Just feel like she's too far gone.
